


Must You Be So Difficult? - Inuyasha

by GizmoTrinket



Series: Must You Be So Difficult? [1]
Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Eventual Happy Ending, Explicit Language, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Inucest, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Japanese spoken by an American, Lemon, Light Bondage, Light Masochism, Lots of plot, M/M, Male Solo, Manga Spoilers, Masturbation, Mpreg, My First Fanfic, Not Beta Read, Oral Sex, Plot, Rimming, Romance, Slash, Violence, sorta gender identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-17 08:19:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5861227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GizmoTrinket/pseuds/GizmoTrinket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inu(Seme) / Sess(Uke) (Mostly.)  This is the story from the Inuyasha's POV.</p><p>After a dark turn of events resulting in Inuyasha begging Sesshomaru to kill Kagome things continue to go downhill. The inability to control mental links is the least of Inuyasha’s problems. <br/>Trust issues abound, someone is trying to kill him, his pack is in danger again and his true mate is revealed but he has more problems than Inuyasha.</p><p>A/N: I may, in fact, be insane. Read the tags.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -A/N:   
> See tags. This has been self edited. See end notes.  
> I will try my best to keep the characters in character. I may interpret events, facial expressions and words differently than you so what I think of in character could be totally out of character for you. Don't forget that there are a lot of translations of this story to English and I can't read a lick of Japanese. Also for the first, like, ten chapters the characters will appear to be OOC. It's just because you don't know everything that happened to them, yet.  
> This is a lemon. Or, it will be. Eventually. I will NOT warn you when things get steamy. Please, for the love of God, only read this if you're an adult.  
> The main characters are Sesshomaru and Inuyasha. Yes, they will have sex. Yes, it will be consensual. Yes, they will enjoy it. Immensely. Yes, they are half-brothers. Yes, they are both male. Yes, one of them may get pregnant. I will try to be as rational as possible. But, c'mon, a lot of shit in the manga doesn't make sense so cut me some slack.  
> Finally, I'm not very creative. So I steal a lot of stuff from other stories. Not plot line. Just, things. Don't bitch at me about it. Just try to enjoy the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie to you, this chapter sucks. It's all angst. Someone gets suicidal. Major character death. I have NOTHING against any of the characters. I think they all have their own strengths and weaknesses. I don't mean to bash anyone. I created realistic (to me) circumstances that draw out negative traits to further my own plot. Actually, I love each character and I feel bad putting them in these situations. The story gets much better as it goes on. I promise. 14 pages.

-How to read this story:

\---- Section break.

"...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.

'...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.

 _^'...(italics)...'^_ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.

 **~'...(bold)...'~** Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.

 **~"...(bold)..."~** Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.

 ** _~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~_** Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

/...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

 **~/...(bold).../~** Emotional response **_received_** through link. +Internal.

 _^/...(italics).../^_ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.

 ** _~^/...(italics + bold).../^~_** Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.

                + Always.  
                +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.

                Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
                External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
                Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
                Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

\---- 

 

'I don't know where I am.  I don't even care anymore. I can feel the change coming. I have mere minutes and I'll be human again.  Where was I when I last became human? Was it that time in the tree? No, that was winter. Or maybe behind the waterfall? That was during the summer. Is it still summer? I can't tell. If I'm in the south it could very well be fall for all I know. If I'm in the north it's certainly summer because the field I'm in has flowers.

'There's something rustling the bushes behind me. I should at least move my head to see what it is but I don't have the energy.' I fell backwards and didn't even attempt to break my fall. 'Maybe if I'm lucky it will have heard me and will finish me off. I don't think I can even lift my arm to defend myself anyway.' I opened my mouth so I didn't have to smell whatever's coming for me.

The change hits me then. 'Good.' I close my mouth and my eyes. 'I don't have to worry about sensing anything anymore.'

Bad. Without anything to distract me I start remembering.

Naraku dying. Kagome being sent back to her time after the wish is made. Rin's awaking of reiki. 'Nearly burnt my bastard brother's fucking new hand off when he scared her.' I didn't even have energy to smirk at that memory. Sango and Miroku's brats tugging on my ears. Three years of quiet suffering as my friends move on. Kagome returning. Planning a wedding.

'Myoga. Kami, Myoga. Fucking, cock sucking, shit eating, kami-sama damned Myoga. I shouldn't blame him, it's my fault after all, but he... he... had bad timing.'

I sighed.

\-----

"Inuyasha-sama can't have pups."

One fucking sentence. 'No wonder everyone hates half-breeds.'

Kagome understood instantly and started rambling something about inter-species breeding producing sterile offspring.

I didn't care what the reason was only that I was, once and for all, proven a freak. But no, it got worse.

"I don't know about all that, normally hanyou can reproduce, if they live long enough. But Inuyasha-sama hasn't had a heat cycle and he's over 200. Even counting the years he was sealed he should have had one ages ago. It's probably because Izayori-sama was a miko. We didn't even think it was possible for them to reproduce. The reiki and yokai energies should have canceled each other out. If anything Inuyasha-sama should have been born a" (normal boring weak) "human."

Rin spoke up then. "It's because of the kotodama no nenju. It's sealing most of Inuyasha's reiki and yokai."

Silence followed that announcement.

Then an argument about whether or not the beads should be removed ensued. Rin was adamant that without removing them I won't age, at all, and would remain at odds with myself. She said my ill temper and rashness were results of my body being at war with myself. Once the beads were removed I'd have my heat and mellow out.

We'd never talked about removing the beads before. The others had commented on it. I'd assumed Kagome would when we got married.

\-----

The fact that she enjoyed smashing me into the dirt to get her way always escaped me.

The voice was the one who pointed that out to me.

'Enjoyed probably wasn't the right word. At least, it wasn't during the quest. I think. Maybe. Fuck, I don't even know anymore.' But I still believed that she would've removed them and it was my fault she didn't.

\-----

Kagome wouldn't have any of it. She insisted that she needed some sort of control over me in case I "went all yokai" on them. Miroku pointed out that even if I did I had never once tried to kill her and all they would need to do was to get the sword.

Keade speculated that I wouldn't even have that problem after the beads were off. After all, I didn't have the sword before and I never went crazy.

That was all fine. Everything made sense and everyone was rational.

I walked up behind her and laid my hand on her shoulder, (The most intimate contact I'd initiated since she came back. She was overly aggressive in that area and it freaked me out.) "It wouldn't hurt to try, right? I mean, we could always put them back on if we need to."

She refused.

She cried.

She shrieked obscenities and threw things. Reiki swirled in the air and I was thrown back through the window partially purified. She screamed things I didn't understand. After the first five "osuwari" I lost consciousness.

The last thought I had was thanking the kami that Shippo had left for training that morning and Sango and her kids were in their home, asleep.

When I woke up Keade, Miroku and Rin were bandaging each other's hands.

I was groggy, mostly human and in severe pain. "What the fuck happened?"

Everyone looked away.

I tried to sit up but I couldn't. I fell back and my vision went black. I rolled to my side and vomited. After the dry heaves stopped, or maybe even before they did, I passed out.

I was awake again. My yokai was returning at an alarming rate and I could feel something else too. Healing me while my yokai focused on returning my strength. The two forces clashed when I tried to fight the new... feeling, energy-whatever.

Rin put a cool towel on my forehead and told me to stop fighting with myself. It was my reiki, freed after so long fighting the kotodama no nenju healing me and adjusting to work together with my yokai.

I thought it was some crazy sleep dream. 'Reiki and yokai in one being? At the same time? Fever dreams never make any sense.'

The light woke me up. Or maybe it was the screaming. I had a horrible headache and the fucking screeching wasn't helping any. I stormed out of the hut, the light blinding my eyes. "Will you shut the fuck up? Damn it! My ears are going to bleed."

I blinked a couple times to see my friends. Sango was restraining Kagome while trying to be careful of her pregnant stomach. Rin was holding on to the staff Sesshomaru got for her on one of his bi-weekly visits and chanting. Miroku stood next to her holding his staff and looking at me like I was some sort of crazed zombie escaped from one of Souta's video games.

Everyone just stared at me.

"What?"

... Slience.

"I swear to the kami if you don't start talking..." I didn't have anything to finish my threat with. 'I won't get you firewood in the winter? I won't go hunting when Miroku can't score us some food or cash for dubious work?' The only things I could think of weren't exactly threatening.

They were just staring. I looked down, 'Maybe the ningen stripped me while I was sick?' My chest was bare but I had on my hakama and sported no bleeding wounds. A few reiki burns around my neck but nothing serious. I noticed a purple mark peeking above my loosely tied hakama. What? A stripe? At my hip?' "What the fuck?" I almost untied what was probably the only thing I was wearing but I stopped my hands just short of the knot. I could find out later. I was too naked already.

Kagome took that moment of distraction to stomp on Sango's foot and elbow her in the stomach. Sango cried out in pain and Kagome crashed into a barrier. I ended up empty handed on the other side. I blinked a couple of times trying to figure out what just happened.

_^'Bitch hurt pack. Kill bitch.'^_

"What the fuck?" I shook my head. 'Did I just hear a voice?'

Sango fell backwards through the barrier and before I could think she was in my arms. I moved my arm to support her and my other hand over her stomach. Miroku struck me with his staff. I ignored him. Some instinct I had was determined to see if her pup (wait, kid) was ok. It was writhing in pain. I whimpered low in my throat and reached out to it mentally. 'There, the arm is shoved into the rib and the rib is damaged.' I closed my eyes and blocked out everything else. Miroku's beating, Sango's shoving and crying. I focused on the task on hand. Protecting my pack. The new energy I had flowed out of my hand and reached out to the pup (kid, damn it) soothing it while fixing the damage. Its energy was similar to mine. It caressed me as a thank you and retreated. I took that as a sign to return my reiki too. When I opened my eyes my other senses returned as well.

I set Sango down and ran a little (How am I already down the street?) to sneeze. 'Fucking ofudas.' There must have been six of them burning on my back and one on the side of my face. I ripped off all the ones I could reach. "Fuck! Miroku what the hell? I save your brat and this is the thanks I get? Thank the kami that this new one has better manners. Try not to" -sneeze- "Damn it!" -sneeze- "fuck him up." A new smell hit me. 'Burnt hair. '

I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth in my rage but I do remember smacking the hentai with his own staff into the wall of a nearby hut. Not hard enough to cause any damage but hard enough to get my point across.

Then he went through the wall.

I blinked. "Fuck." 'What the fuck is going on?!'

The villagers and Keade were nowhere to be seen. I could hear both Kagome shouting expletives and Rin chanting but I ignored them. I had to go see if Miroku was ok.

Suddenly I was laying him next to a groaning Sango. 'When did I move?' I could smell his blood. It smelled...weird. Good, but bad. Like him with salt and something dirty and something holy. 'Odd.' I wanted to lick it. 'Odder.'

He groaned.

'Oh, right.' I shook my head to collect my thoughts and reached out with my hand and reiki. I had no idea how I knew how to do this stuff but I didn't have time to ponder it now. 'Damn. Broke his skull. Didn't mean to do that. Fuck, his arm too. Lots of bruises and a few splinters.' I took the large ones out. Sango was making noise next to me but I didn't focus on it. I had to move the houshi's arm so it would heal properly. My reiki told his powers 'Was it reiki too? It feels different. Like his kid's but not the same. Not as pure. Not evil... I'm getting distracted.' to focus on numbing the pain in his arm while I worked. Once the bone was repaired we moved on to his head and the worst of the bleeding wounds. His powers nudged me then as if to say "I've got it from here, you're tired and have other things to take care of."

It took me longer to come out of my trance. I groaned and rubbed my head. 'Fuck a headache. But my pack is safe.'

_^'Not safe. Bitch wants to kill them. Pup with powers failing. Need to kill bitch to keep pack safe. Let me take over. I kill faster.'^_

I could feel something moving in my yokai. I didn't know it was what it was but I didn't allow it to have control.

Rin whimpered and swayed. Kagome was doing something with her hands. It was hurting Rin.

A feral growl erupted from between my teeth. My vision glowed red. I felt the new voice thing merge with me.

Suddenly I had Kagome pinned. Each one of her arms was under one of my knees and my hand was putting pressure on her throat. Not much but enough to show her I meant business.  "Explain." I demanded.

Rin fell. I whined when she hit the ground but I had to take care of the threat to my pack before I could help her. I didn't smell blood.

Kagome's lips were blue and she was flailing her legs. 'Oops. Why the fuck am I so strong all of a sudden?'

After she finished coughing she spit reiki infused saliva in my face. "Bastard!"

I flinched but it didn't hurt, physically. I tore off the sleeve of her shirt and sliced it into a rag to wipe off my face. My eyes narrowed. She was channeling reiki along her skin but I couldn't feel it. My reiki was creating a barrier. "Explain why you hurt our pack." I growled and bared my fangs.

I could feel the eyes of the others on us. Rin too. 'Good, she is ok. Based on her breathing tired, but ok.'

Kagome looked at me with nothing but hate. She poured all her aura into burning me. It was tainted. Evil.

My yokai fed my almost completely expended reiki in defense.

_^'We need food.'^_

It also created a barrier around her so she couldn't infect my pack. She was wiggling out from my knees so I held her wrists in my hands and kept them spread so she couldn't concentrate her power.

"You cheated on me. First with Kikyo then with half the village while I was gone. Didn't even think about me did you? I gave up everything when I came back. But you don't care. All you want from me is to remove the beads." She cried.

I looked at the others, mystified. Sango smacked her hand over her face and Miroku shook his head sadly.

'This is my fault. She didn't trust me to be faithful. After Kikyo I couldn't blame her. I never saw the signs so I couldn't reassure her. I'm just not that bright.'

That weird new consciousness in my head snorted derisively.

"You stupid bitch! You've been manipulated. I told you it wasn't true. That they were lying to get you out of the way. Even Sesshomaru-sama said you were an idiot for believing them. I told you not to take their presents. But did you listen? No! Your aura has been tainted with your and their hatred. You nearly killed Keade when she was trying to get the evil tea out of your hut. But did you listen? No. You drank it. YOU DRANK IT! And now it's poisoned you. Now the only way to clean your aura is if you let it be cleansed. WE TOLD YOU THIS!" Rin was crying and her tirade was pierced with sobs.

My instinct to console her was overridden by the need to keep this crazy bitch away from my pack.

I shook my head to clear it. 'Why the fuck am I thinking of Kagome like this all of a sudden?'

_^'Focus.'^_

Sango cradled Rin while Kagome screamed some of the craziest shit I have ever heard - and I fought Naraku. It wasn't all coherent, so clearly she was losing her mind. I could get the gist of it though. She came back when she was done with high school and didn't fit in anymore or have any good job prospects because of her grades while she was fifteen and the other guys were boring, she couldn't get over me so she came back to marry me.

'Ok, I knew that and it was both flattering and a little insulting, but she'd always been a little different. Maybe it was normal in her time.'

She had expected me to propose right away and it made her angry that I hadn't.

'I actually never did, I just said we should wait until we were married when she tried to do more than kiss and she started planning a wedding- not that I was opposed to it.'

She had to have miko training...

'I was happy. If she came back for me then she loved me and I didn't want her to be defenseless if I had to leave her alone for any reason and she could help protect our pups.' (Keade had said that she wouldn't lose her powers if she wasn't "pure" citing kuro mikos and monks as examples.)

...because I didn't want her as a weakling. She needed to prove that she was stronger than Kikyo so I'd love her.

'I already love her. I don't care how strong she is.'

Things got less rational after that after that. Something about a stable of whores and only being with her so she could release me from the kotodama no nenju so I could marry one of them. One of the many that I'd already knocked up. Apparently Myoga was in on the whole thing. Fighting over tea-

'Was that before or after Myoga? There were incidents before but the ones I wasn't there for she didn't want to talk about.'

-and trying to keep her friends away from her.

'I wasn't even aware she had friends outside our pack, the village girls seemed mean to her.'

How I wouldn't sleep with her because I was always in someone else's bed.

'Hell, I hated sleeping near her because she said osuwari in her sleep. A lot. She slept in my hut, in my bed. I slept in a tree.'

I didn't understand much else except that next she tried to kill me. Then escaping whatever held her while I was healing and trying to kill me again.

I think she said the word osuwari at least 200 times. The first few times I cringed out of reflex. I hadn't noticed the accursed _thing_ was gone. 'That explains the bandages on everyone's hands the first time I woke up.'

When she realized she couldn't move, couldn't purify me and couldn't sit me she just started screaming.

Keade gathered Rin into their hut and Sango hid behind Miroku as he tried to purify Kagome's aura. He couldn't get past my barrier though.

'I swear to the kami my ears are bleeding.' Her screaming made her throw up but she didn't stop. Even when veins in her eyes popped. It made me feel sick. Miroku reached out to my reiki and I allowed him though my barrier. 'Anything to help her. I love her.'

As soon as his energy touched hers she attacked him. His eyes started to droop and I could see the evil spreading.

I cut him off and purified him before it could hurt him. I was tired. All of my yokai was being converted to reiki just to keep her from attacking me. I could feel my strength waning and my claws becoming nails. 'It's no use. She's too far gone.'

 _^'Can't save her. Threat to pack. Must kill.'^_ The voice was just a whisper.

I sobbed. It was true. Tears came to my eyes and blurred the sight of her vomiting blood as she damaged her throat with her continued screaming and the acids from her stomach. 'I have to save her. I _have_ to. There must be _something._ ' But I was weak. Too weak to do anything but rip out her throat and I only had human teeth now. 'I can't ask Miroku to...' I shuddered.' ...do it nor could I ask Sango. It would fuck them up.'

Black spots came into my vision.

"Idiot."

Yokai nudged me. Familiar yokai. Supporting me. It nudged me again.

'Sesshomaru.' I allowed it in without thinking. Allowed his yokai to flow in my muscles. My reiki wasn't happy with the unfamiliar energy but allowed it.

**~'Foolish. You should have killed her immediately.'~**

I didn't even have the energy to ask why Sesshomaru was in my head. Or why I could feel his exasperation. I felt my claws come back but my fangs and superior senses weren't returned.

"Well I know that _now_. I love her, idiot, so I had to try everything. But she's a threat to my pack. I haveta kill her." I had the distinct feeling that he could feel me roll my eyes.

 **~'You find this distasteful.'~** He was curious.

"Duh. I haveta bite out her throat and I don't want any part of her in me. 'Cuz, ya know... the evil." I sent him my frustration and my inability to mentally damage my pack by asking any of them to do it. **~'Plus it would be an unnecessarily long and painful death with these fucking human teeth as weapons.'~** I kept the last thought to myself.

It took him longer to process this than I thought it would. He moved rather slowly to roughly shove the slayer in the tent. The monk just looked at the dai-yokai resignedly and nodded.

I converted some of his yokai to reiki to protect the bastard.

I felt his eyebrow rise and the unspoken question.

"I don't want you to get contaminated. Yer evil enough. Bastard. Make it quick if the houshi is watching."

"Who said this Sesshomaru would do anything? She is your pack and therefore your problem."

He tried to hide all his emotions and just send me arrogant contempt but I felt that he would kill her for me- if... **~'Something. If I ask properly? Maybe.'~**

I rolled my eyes. "So you're admitting that Rin is my pack?"

I converted more yokai to keep up the barriers. Kagome was weakening. **~'Thank the kami she stopped screaming.'~**

Sesshomaru growled mentally.

 **~'Arrogant bastard.'~** If I wanted his help I had to cede something. "Sesshomaru" I ground my teeth and tried not to growl "- _sama_ , I cannot end her life and there is no way to save her. Please," **~'Oh, kami that was physically painful.'~** "help me protect _our_ packs." I needed to get that out of my head. I thought at him, **~'Good enough? 'Cuz that's all your're going to get. Also, I hate you.'~** but didn't give that part voice. I needed his help and didn't need to spoil the effort I'd already put forth.

I had to bite back a laugh as he snorted aloud while preening in his head. Then I bit my lip so hard blood ran down my lip as his annoyance and mortification of being caught doing something undignified came through the... link or whatever. Then I felt something fleeting as he scented my blood and the link broke. He wasn't in my head or supplying yokai anymore.

"Please Sesshomaru-sama." The monk pleaded on his hands and knees. "I don't want her to suffer any longer."

Keeping Sesshomaru's yokai behind a barrier was much, _much_ harder when he wasn't linked with me. Instead of biting my lip with amusement I shredded it in concentration. I didn't feel any pain but copious amounts of blood was pouring down my chin, neck and dripping onto Kagome's clothes. I unconsciously let out a whimper as I felt my body weaken.

My eyes were shut but I still felt the moment Kagome went still below me. Her aura started to dissipate and I rolled off her keeping her and Sesshomaru's barriers in place but dropping mine. I could smell her blood and it was worse when it wasn't mixed with bile. I rolled onto the side not facing her and breathed though my mouth. At the same time I recognized my pain. 'Stupid lip. Whatever, I've had worse.'

Sesshomaru smacked me with his bound yokai. I grabbed hold of it and... fed and felt him wordlessly ask me to remove the barrier.

 **~'It is so fucking weird that I can just know what he wants.'~** I didn't have the energy or willpower to pretend to be polite anymore so I just told him what I wanted him to do. "I can still feel the evil. Melt her and the ground around her with your poison until I tell you to stop. Then have the monk, Keade and Rin purify the area."

**~'You're being paranoid.'~**

I could feel that a small part of him was worried though. I assumed it was for Rin and for some reason that pissed me off. "Just shut up and do it. I don't want to take any risks. And do it fast fucker 'cuz I'm exhausted." I didn't bother opening my eyes, my nose was working fine and I didn't need those images in my head.

Amazingly, he did what I told him. I felt the evil and it disappeared as she did. When I was sure there was nothing left I released both barriers.

Sesshomaru huffed in my head and fed me more yokai so I could move.

I could only speculate on his reasons but I guessed he didn't want to touch the filthy half-breed. I shoved his yokai away. "I got it. You deserve a thanks so thanks I guess." I stumbled into Keade's hut and fell over into the corner fast asleep.

\-----

'Why the fuck did he act like that?'

It was surreal. We hadn't said one word to each other since he dropped off the pup. And it was more of a demand that we take her and a threat that we protect her than a conversation.

Other than that time Kagome called him brother I never even saw him when he came. I replayed that scene in my head. 'That was fucking weird and _wrong._ '

\-----

The night I left it was raining and dark. 'Close to the new moon.' I noted absently. 'Not the best time to leave but...' I didn't want to stay in a village that killed my intended mate and I couldn't look at my friends without seeing pity in their eyes.

I had suppressed both my yokai and reiki and pretended to be weak. I only ate enough so they wouldn't complain. I pretended to sleep a lot. Mostly to avoid the commiseration.

Sango, Miroku and their brats would revive the slayers village. They'd already talked with Kohaku about it. Rin was going to leave with Sesshomaru the next time he came. Keade pointed out as many of the culprits as she could and the village headman punished them. Didn't know how, don't care. 'Doesn't matter anyway. Punishing them can't change the fact that Kagome is gone.' Both Rin and Sango begged me to go with them, either of them, but I told them I needed to stay with Keade. Not everyone was caught and I didn't want anything to happen to her.

True, believable. Because she was sick. I tried to cure her when no one was around and she was asleep but I couldn't. I even went to my hut to get Kagome's healing books to see if there was anything I could do. From what I could see, and I read all of them, twice, she had cancer and it had spread. The cancer cells were too close to her natural cells and my reiki couldn't tell them apart. There was no point to further healing attempts. I supplemented her reiki to block the pain. We never spoke but I knew that she knew what I was doing.

After a few days Miroku's family left. I snuck out when I felt Sesshomaru coming. He was still at least a day away.

I left a note that said I was going out to hunt for Rin and Keade, suppressed everything and ran. I didn't pay attention to where I was running. I didn't care. Every time I could sense anything that wasn't mindless I ran the other direction. I couldn't sense them as far as I could sense Sesshomaru but maybe that was because I was getting weaker. I sheared off all my hair and buried it so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore but it grew back before the sun set. I didn't eat. I only drank when I was thirsty. My healing was impossible. Didn't bother trying to jump off a cliff or anything after my spine broke and I lost two thirds of my blood fighting a nest of snake yokai. The villagers came to thank me, or kill me. I wasn't sure which but I didn't want to smell, see or fight them so I literally dragged myself into a bush to hide until they were gone.

\-----

I didn't have the energy to wince at my memories. 'Funny how the bad ones stick around while the good ones fade.'

I sighed.

'Which brings me to this field. I'm actually kind of glad that everything kept healing. I deserve all this suffering. Eventually I'll run out of energy and something will eat me.

'Took me forever to get used to my new senses and my new strength.' I didn't bother trying to learn abilities, they would either come naturally when necessary or the voice would teach me. 'Thing wouldn't shut up about anything. Ever. It was annoying.'

The voice was quiet on human nights. Usually it demanded that I see my pack and make sure they were ok. It also wanted Sesshomaru. It was REALLY adamant that we-I should find him. As I got weaker it got enough control to herd me toward the western lands. Wouldn't tell me why either. I figured as we-I got weaker it wanted the person who fed us-me (sigh) yokai because I refused to eat. Whenever I sensed or smelt my bastard half-brother I ran as fast and as far as I could away. 'Fucking annoying.'

Also, the voice hated Kagome. It said she was the one who silenced him and would have killed him if not for the reiki. It liked that she was an alpha-bitch and collected our pack but was spiteful that she used the beads, not only to make him weak to which I argued she didn't know and he acknowledged, (Defending Kagome was the only time I interacted with him for anything other than physical and spiritual stuff and he forced those. I just obeyed whenever I felt like it.) but also to punish us unreasonably and humiliate us in front of our pack. I couldn't argue with that. She was young, I was at war with myself and a right bastard half the time, mostly to her. Funny, we wouldn't have argued, as much, without the beads. He would have recognized her as a mate, true mate, or friend. Without my... whatever... inner... yokai... or something voice I was relying only on human feelings for mating and they made no sense. 'Not that I know anything about mating. Everything I know came from that voice and I wasn't always listening.

'Huh, I hear Rin. I must finally be dying. Thank kami-sama. Can't understand what she's saying though. Why the hell am I hearing Sesshomaru? Fuck, must be going to hell. Well I'm not technically human so it only makes sense. Kinda hoped being decent there at the end would save me. Stupid.' The grass was rustling. 'How did Rin end up in hell? She was even nicer and purer than Kagome. Oh kami-sama, did someone get her when I left? Damn, I feel really guilty now.' I didn't have the breath to sigh. Everything started to fade out. I saw the light of my brain cells dying. 'Must not be breathing anymore. Maybe my heart stopped. Won't be too long now.' I waited.

The light faded.

 

 

 

. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ____  
> End Chapter notes:  
> This is version 2.1. For the original (published in January 2016) please msg me. The first version I wrote while in a manic episode and the words didn't come out quite right.  
> \----  
> Thank you:  
> Everyone who left a review at any given point in time. I'm glad you're enjoying my story and I hope you continue to do so. I'm sorry there isn't much sex. There will be a lot (for me) in (much) later chapters. This is one of those annoying stories that's mostly plot. :(  
> naturechild02 on DA who gave me the idea to change the formatting to make mind-speak more noticeable. You can find her on twitter: @authormkrepps and on AFF: MarieKrepps  
> Rumiko Takahashi-sama for her wonderful stories and characters that made this story possible.  
> \----  
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own anything. Well, actually I own a lot of shit. Some of it is pretty cool. All of it is worth next to nothing. I really don't own anything that is in the Inuyasha universe. I kinda own this plot and all OC that come with it. No profit is made from this little gem. But, due to the nature of bi-polar I probably won't finish it. So... yeah. I don't care if you want to finish it if I haven't updated in over a year.  
> \----  
> Other notes:  
> If anyone knows of a pdf site I can upload this story to I can add color coding to further help with any confusion about who's speaking please msg me.


	2. Idiot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Not as bad as the last chapter. You're welcome. Gore. Yeah, it's gross. Like zombie movie gross. You're welcome. There's also some awkward sexual (sorta) situations. Enjoy.

After this chapter the stuff I put in chapter notes will be moved to chapter summery and the how read will be moved to chapter notes. Please read it as I add to it in later chapters.

\----

-How to read this story:

\---- Section break.

"...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.

'...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.

 _^'...(italics)...'^_ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.

 **~'...(bold)...'~** Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.

 **~"...(bold)..."~** Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.

 ** _~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~_** Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

/...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.

 **~/...(bold).../~** Emotional response **_received_** through link. +Internal.

 _^/...(italics).../^_ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.

 ** _~^/...(italics + bold).../^~_** Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.

                + Always.  
                +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.

                Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
                External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
                Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
                Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

 

____

 

 **~'Damn it. Dying shouldn't be this fucking painful.'~** I tried to think back but the memory was fuzzy. **~'I already died, didn't I?** **Wait, I feel pain. And...'~** I inhaled deeply. **~'I smell things. A fire and... People. Familiar people.'~** Another deep inhalation. I couldn't place them. One thing was clear: I wasn't dead. "Damn it." I wanted to scream but a whisper was all I could manage. I was disappointed but didn't try again A: because my voice hurt from not using it for kami knows how long and B: I didn't care enough to scream. It just wasn't worth waking up any part of me or my emotions that would enjoy that act. **~'Maybe if I lay here long enough these people will get bored of me and go away.'~**

**~'You are the most annoying creature on this island. Possibly the entire world.'~**

**~'Sesshomaru. That means Rin must be around here somewhere.'~** I didn't have the energy to sigh. I remembered everything now. They saved me. And since they were still here it was clear they weren't going to just go away. I could feel the bastard in my head. I mentally checked our... **~'What did I call it? Link or something.'~** I didn't know enough about the link to know more than the asshole could sense me as much as I could him. And that he was feeding me his yokai. **~'How did he find me anyway?'~**

_^'I called him. You're a pain in the ass and I'm sick of it.'^_

Now I really wanted to scream. "Why?" I whined at both of them.

Honestly, I was pissed that I wasn't dead so I decided I had nothing to lose from being a dick. "And just so you know outside of our world is the universe. There are more planets-worlds and the stars are suns. Like ours. Some are bigger, some are smaller, some are different colors but almost all of them are dead by the time we see their light in the sky. We belong to the galaxy..."

**~'Do you ever shut up?' /Anger, annoyance and worry./~**

I shrugged. He started it. The pain in my throat was almost worth pissing him off. I had no reason not to continue doing so. "What the fuck are you worried about you psychopath?"

**~/Less worry. Some relief. Embarrassment./ 'Psychopath? That is amusing coming from someone who is trying to kill himself in the slowest possible way and whose beast called for help. Idiot.'~**

Those emotions. From him. **~'I think they're directed at me. This is the weirdest thing ever.'~** "The voice? Is that what he's called?" **~'I hate that guy. Never shuts the fuck up and always doing things I don't want him to do.'~**

_^'Me?! You're the guy who is...'^_

I tuned the voice out and focused on the asshole who probably saved me but still might kill me. **~'He always said he would.'~** That thought was always depressing. No matter how many times I thought it.

Silence.

I could tell he was thinking and didn't really care about the answer so I didn't bother to goad him further. It wasn't appealing any longer. I focused on my energies instead. A quarter of the yokai I had when it was fullest. I'd need to use the yokai to supplement my strength and speed after starving myself for so long but the sword needed yokai too. A tiny amount of reiki. I didn't have enough of either to defend myself properly. And the bastard I usually had to defend myself against was here. **~'I mean, sure, he's helping me now. But I know that doesn't mean anything.'~** I shook my head to clear it and checked Sesshomaru's energy levels.

I was slightly tempted to continue the yokai transfer and drain the asshole of every last drop. But, that would kill him I couldn't kill him before and I wasn't going to now. I decided to rationalize it by admitting that killing someone who's trying to keep you alive wouldn't bring you any pleasure. It was true enough. And I didn't have to think any deeper on the real reason. I didn't know what it was and I had no desire to find out.

I cut the link and glared at him. "You trying to kill yourself now?" 'Ugh, my voice is terrible. Still hurts to use too.' An idea occurred to me. 'Oi, voice, can we open the link just to talk? No yokai transfer?'

_^'Yeah. I'll do it and you watch me. I'm not your servant.'^_

I mentally rolled my eyes and watched- felt, whatever.

Sesshomaru glared at me. He smacked the yokai link my inner consciousness sent him before accepting it. **~'Why are you opening a link after closing the first one?'~**

The voice guided me on how to talk through the link. It felt just like thinking and I briefly worried about past thoughts but got over it quickly. 'Can't change it anyway if I was broadcasting them.' I focused.

 **~'It hurts to talk. Duh.'~** I closed my eyes. I told- guided my reiki and yokai not to heal and focus on replenishing. There was no point trying to kill myself if my voice thing was going to call for help all the time. 'And if someone's going to respond.' The more energy I had as a base the easier it would be to heal later. Plus, I could fight with injuries. I couldn't fight without energy. Not after starving myself for this long.   **~'Maybe I can annoy him into killing me. If I were dissolved into nothing I couldn't heal.'~** The realization that I broadcasted that thought kept me from being depressed over it.

_^'Idiot.'^_

Sesshomaru tried to send more energy through the link and I glared and mentally smacked him. **~'If you want me alive someone's going to have to defend us. I have enough energy, for now anyway.'~**

**~'When was the last time you ate?' /Concern./~**

'That is so fucking weird. When did he try to stop killing me?' I thought back on all the fights but I had picked them apart repeatedly over the years and still didn't have an answer. 'Even further, when did he start caring about me?'

_^'Ask him. Or use your brain. You're smart... At least now that you're out of that damned prison of hell.'^_

'I was smart before then. How do you think I survived until now?'

 _^'Me, idiot.'^_ He rolled his eyes.

'How does something that is nothing more than a voice roll its eyes?'

_^...^ /Glare./_

'Or glare?'

_^... ^_

'Never mind. Anyway, I never had you. Not until the beads came off.'

_^'You just couldn't hear me until you matured. And then you couldn't hear me while I was being suppressed. I honestly have no idea how you had your first heat with those cursed beads suppressing everything.'^_

'How do you know anything anyway? I didn't know anything. Until you anyway. Aren't you part of me? How can you know what I don't know?'

**~'I don't repeat myself. Answer.' /Impatient. Frustrated. Nervous./~**

I whimpered. I was just so tired. And I didn't have the patience to deal with these two fuckers separately on a full stomach. 'Whatever.' **~'Keade's. Day before I left.'~**

**~/Surprise. Guilt. Worry./~**

So strongly felt I washed in them, oblivious to anything else. I could tell they were Sesshomaru's feelings. Suddenly the link cut off.

'I think this is the weirdest day of my life. Maybe I'm hallucinating before I die. That actually makes more sense. My brain cells are dying and I'm tripping. Or maybe I ate another bad mushroom. What if Kagome coming back and everything after was all a dream?'

The voice interrupted my delusional rambling. _^'I think I'm just going to call you idiot. There is no other word to describe you. It is officially your name.'^_

'Kami-sama I hate you so much.' I pondered what to call him.

_^'Everyone just calls me beast.'^_

'Everyone? Who the hell else do you talk to? Can you talk without taking over? Just how much control do you have?' I was scared of the implications. Ever since I first heard that I could lose my soul I've been terrified.

_^'I am your instincts. Passed down through your heritage. Whichever parent had stronger instincts gave them to you. In your case your father. Your mother, as a human, didn't have any. I can only talk to those you have spoken with in the past. Sorta. Do try to be careful. If someone is stronger than both of us they can wipe your mind and control you. I can only do what you allow me to do. Unless you're gone. Or unstable. Then I take over. But don't worry about me. I can't survive without you.'^_

That was a little reassuring. Somehow I could tell he wasn't lying. And, if he did take control to call the bastard for help he relinquished control willingly.

The asshole suddenly stiffened and I smelt the sharp tang of terror from him.

'What the?' I linked to him and he accepted but I couldn't feel anything from him. I listened and probed for danger. Rin was asleep. There was a barrier on the cave entrance that blocked everything else out. I tested the strength of the barrier. 'Really fucking strong.' I could probably get through it if I wasn't weak. But only because I had my own reiki to help counteract her's. And no one and nothing was probing the barrier. I checked Rin over more thoroughly. 'Nothing. Super strong reiki. Amazing. I think she can kill Sesshomaru when he's at full strength. No evil. No taint. No nothing.'

Beast snorted (how?). _^'There's no way that pup could kill him.'^_ (I raised a mental eyebrow) _^'Unless he was weakened.'^_ He conceded.

'Please, I almost killed him, twice. Plus, she burned half his fucking hand off without trying. And not at this strength.'

_'You. Are. A. Moron.'_

'Oh, kami. I honestly have a headache from arguing with myself. What did that book call it? Schizophrenia?'

Beast didn't dignify that with a response. We both knew that comment was stupid.

I physically turned my head to look at the other annoying presence in my head. He had the strangest expression. And body language. Like he was in pain. I nudged Sesshomaru mentally. "Oi." He was freaking me out. I didn't know what the fuck would make him look like that. As far as I knew the only things he cared about were Rin and himself. 'Probably not in that order though.'

He closed his eyes and actually whimpered. Aloud.

I panicked. **~'What the hell is wrong with you?'~**

Another whimper.

Terror. I didn't know whose. My chest hurt. I bit through my lip to distract me from the feeling so I could think. I could breathe but I was hyperventilating. I rolled myself to my side so I could see his face better and forced open his side of the link. I couldn't even articulate any thoughts in my head. The only thing I felt was overwhelming concern. 'Is something attacking him? I've NEVER seen him like this. Anything that could do this to him...'

 **~/Pain. Guilt./~** Overwhelming. He wanted to hurt himself because he felt he deserved it. **~'My fault. It's all my fault.'~**

The comment was directed at me. I was stunned. I didn't know what the hell was going on. 'What's his fault? And, more importantly, why the fuck is the guy who stuck a hand through my stomach feeling like this all of a sudden?' I didn't like it.

My beast was freaking out. Whimpering. Demanding freedom.

'Will you stop? You're making my headache worse and I can't think.'

Beast threw himself against the chains I had around him. _^'Go to him. Comfort him.'^_ He whimpered and sent me instructions.

'What?! Why?'

_^'He's upset about you!'^_

'I know. But _why_?'

Blood. Salt. Tears. The smells flooded my nostrils.

**~/More pain. More guilt./~**

My vision swam from sensory overload and my brain turned off.

Beast took control while I was overwhelmed. He flung my body into my brother's- half-brother's and wrapped my arms around him. He started... purring.

 _^'What the fuck?'^_ I had no idea what that sound was. Or why he was making it. And I didn't like it. Even if the sound was oddly soothing.

He reached out with my yokai and comforted the asshole with it. He took the bastard's hand into mine and started licking the wounds left by his claws. Beast was in heaven.

I knew I had no physical body but I shifted uncomfortably anyway. I didn't know why or how but I could taste the blood. And it tasted good. _^'This is the weirdest thing ever.'^_ I thought without meaning it. Honestly, my life was so fucked up this was partly normal and almost expected _. ^'My other friends tried to kill me before they joined my pack. My alpha-bitch got off on dominating me. Hell, with our relationship-'^_ I rationalized, ^ _'Shesshomaru and I should be lovers.'^_ I snorted at the ridiculousness of that thought.

Slowly Sesshomaru came back to himself. Mostly because he was surprised at what I- no, beast was doing.

When the cuts were healed beast cleaned all the blood. When that was gone beast didn't stop his ministrations.

Sesshomaru felt... something more than brotherly.

Beast felt it too. And he liked it.

I forced myself back into control and away from my disturbing, mind fucking, mentally scaring thoughts. **~'I hate my beast.'~** It was the only thing I could say- think- communicate before the pain and exhaustion forced me and my beast into unconsciousness.

\-----

'Weird.' I didn't feel any pain. But I could think. 'Sorta.' There was something. 'No. Someone. Feeding me reiki.' I reached mentally and felt her. 'Rin.' **~'Why won't you people just let me die?'~**

_^'Idiot.'^_

Rin snorted and I could feel her roll her eyes through the connection. **~'Idiot.'~**

I felt around but couldn't find Sesshomaru. I felt worried. Then I realized I felt worried. 'Why the FUCK do I feel worried about that fucking bastard?!'

 _^'I can't even talk to you. You're exhausting.'^_ He started banging his head against a wall.

'How does something that has no form bang his head against a wall? Where did you get the wall?'

The banging increased.

 **~'Oi, Rin, where's the bastard?'~** 'Not that I'm concerned or anything.'

_^'Keep telling yourself that.' ... 'Idiot liar.'^_

"He went to hunt."

Panic.

I didn't know if it was mine or beast's. Or both. But I did know one thing. 'That's what I said when...'

Beast and I whimpered at the same time.

 **~'When?'~** 'Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. He's not the type to... He was fine when we passed out, right?' My chest tightened.

I took a deep breath. 'Oh kami-sama I am such a fucking girl. I shouldn't care! I should be happy. I...'

**~'This morning before sunrise. I don't know what's taking him so long. He was all weird when he left too...'~**

"Fuck." 'Ow. Stupid throat.' I forced myself to stand, ignoring Rin's protests. I panted against the cave wall while I forced my body to do my command.

**~'Don't move! You haven't eaten in over two years!'~**

I blinked a couple of times while I processed that. **~'Wow, that's... kinda impressive actually.'~**

_^'I ate. Don't feel smug or overly full of yourself.'^_

I snorted. **~'Don't worry. Apparently beast ate for us.'~** I tested my legs. **~'I just need to get out of the barrier then we can search for the bastard.'~**

**~'Beast is such a boring name. I named Sesshomaru's beast Fluffy.'~**

I fell over. Laughing. 'Oh, kami!' I laughed harder than I had ever laughed in my entire life. I laughed until I cried and my ribs felt like they were broken. I'm certain there was a hysterical edge to my laughter because I'm pretty sure I was, at least a little, insane. When I was positive I was going to vomit if I laughed any more I forced myself to sit up and look at Rin.

 **~'Are you ok?'~** She looked at me like I was crazy.

I thought about it. **~'No. No I'm not. But that is the funniest fucking thing I have ever heard in my life. I'm glad I didn't die. That was TOTALLY worth it.'~** I snorted as I tried to contain my mirth.

_^'Ok, you've had your laughs. Now find him BEFORE there's no him to find.'^_

**~'Rin, can you check outside this barrier and check on...'~** Snort. **~'fluffy? He was all weird last night.'~** I remembered the scent spike. I felt... Concern. Emotional pain. Fear. And residual humor. All over my half-brother. And all at the same time. 'Yep, I've lost it.'

There was no reason for me to be feeling this way. I knew the asshole could take care of himself.

_^'But, he was weak. And...'^_

'And weird? Yeah, I know.' I didn't have much experience with my brother. Even less of it was positive. But never once had I seen him display any emotion other than anger. 'Maybe distain. And superiority. Sometimes indifference...'

_^'Focus.'^_

Rin nodded and gave me a wide berth as she stuck her head out the barrier. The second her head was outside the cave I lost the link. I checked over myself while I waited. My reiki was at about a quarter of whenever it felt the most full... Which was apparently over two years ago. I pondered that and found that I honestly didn't care. I wondered how long it would take me to die after these two took off.

Beast whimpered.

I ignored him. He probably wanted me to go check on my pack or something. 'Hell, Keade is probably dead now.' That hurt. 'Stupid humans. I should have never allowed myself to get attached.' I hung my head. 'Eventually Sango and the pervert will die. And their kids will die. And I'll still be a teenager by their standards.'

_^'You'll probably look like you're in your early twenties actually. Wait, no, you'll still be a teen. Humans only live like 50 years, right? Hmmm, how old are they anyway?'^_

'That doesn't help.'

Beast shrugged. _^'You won't age past whenever you look like you're twenty-five if that helps.'^_

'What? But that's dai-yokai aging. I'm part human. How the fuck does that work?' I sighed. 'I shouldn't bother taking a mate then. No dai-yokai would EVER want a worthless hanyou half-breed. I can't imagine watching my mate age and die. Then probably my pups. I mean, a quarter human and half a lesser yokai? They'd certainly age. I'll be stuck alone. Forever.' I banged my head against the floor. 'That fluffy laugh wasn't worth living for. Hey, beast, if I had a miko enchant restraints and sunk myself to the bottom of the ocean I'd die, right? I would drown eventually I would think.'

_^'First: you have reiki. No one would be able to bind you. Second: STOP TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF and pay attention. Start fucking thinking. For the love of kami-sama are you blind?! Did you listen to ANYTHING I told you about mating?'^_

I ignored him. 'I wish I had told Kagome about all the yokai around in the future. We ran into one on the street. He was suppressing everything and had some sort of illusion charm. Then I would have had something to live for - seeing her again. Not that I knew I would live that long. Would I have lived that long with the kotodama no nenju on? I would have, right? Rin said I wouldn't age with those stupid beads... Or that Kagome would come back if the well sealed... But, at least she wouldn't have gone crazy and died.'

_^'Oi! Idiot! The pup is talking. Stop your girly pity party.'^_

I reached out to her aura and felt her reiki attach to mine. She was worried. 'Fuck.'

**~'I can't sense him. I can't search very far while maintaining the barrier but he shouldn't have gone outside my range...'~**

I honestly don't remember getting to my feet or leaving the cave. I remember blind panic as I threw my yokai and reiki in opposite directions (for maximum coverage) looking for the bastard. 'There!' I withdrew everything else and poked him with my yokai. Hard. He was so far away.

No response.

"Mother fucker!" I stabbed him harder. His yokai was weak. Weaker than last night and last night he had given me so much he was weaker than I was. 'Why the fuck did he go so far?'

Rin was babbling about something but she was just background noise. All my focus was on my idiot brother. Half-brother. I was mentally scrambling for something, anything to find out why he wasn't responding.

Nothing. 'Maybe I am stupid.'

Beast reached out and I shared my awareness with him. He used my reiki to search the area around the jerk. _^'Miko. At least three. Go. NOW.'^_

I prevented him from taking control of my legs. There was no way we'd get there fast enough if I ran.

Idea.

**~'Oi, Rin.'~**

"Yes?"

I prodded Sesshomaru with my yokai. **~'I need as much reiki as you can spare. I found him and he's surrounded by miko and weak. He won't respond. Can you also show me how you made that reiki shield around Kagome?'~**

She pushed the reiki into me so quickly and forcefully that I fell to my knees. I shook it off and watched- listened to- absorbed her explanation. It only worked against tainted miko. I nodded at her.

I prodded the miko surrounding the cold bastard. No taint. 'Fuck.' Still nothing from him either. There was NO way I was making a connection with any unknown miko. I wrapped my yokai around him and searched for injury. I couldn't penetrate whatever those bitches were sealing him with. 'Wait...'

'Sealing? He was SEALED?!' I let out a guttural roar that tore my throat. My beast shared my brain in my rage and we shot forward. I converted reiki as needed and focused on my destination. And the way those bitches would die. 'Oh, yes. They will suffer. Painfully.'

_^'Agreed.'^_

I landed in a crouch protecting my only family and eyed my enemies. There was an older one who was moderately powerful and two trainees that would be as powerful as her when they came into their powers. 'No threat.' They couldn't sense anything from me and were cocky. I didn't bother listening to them as I moved so I could see my brother but didn't put my back to them.

What I saw almost made me snap. I screamed in rage and my fangs claws tore deeply into my palms. "SEALING ARROW? A FUCKING SEALING ARROW?!" My voice was rough with rage, disuse and beast. I held on to the only thread of sanity I could find. I couldn't kill them if they had to remove the arrow.

I moved my reiki as a shield on my hand and pulled on the arrow. Nothing. 'I HATE that FUCKING spell.' I tested the reiki and recognized the eldest miko's signature.

She had her energy flared as she prepared an arrow for me. I allowed beast to take over. I needed to be fast and I didn't want to fuck this up by over or under estimating my strength.

I blinked.

Screaming.

Finally my yokai found fluffy's. **~'Fucker.'~**

He narrowed his eyes at me and huffed mentally. The only thing I could feel through the link was exhaustion.

The screaming turned into choking and all I could smell was the mikos' blood. I didn't bother to look; their auras were fading fast.

 **~'Was that necessary?'~** He was eyeing the eldest with a brow raised.

Honestly having no idea what he was talking about I turned to look at her. She had been eviscerated with the sealing arrow and her intestines were unbroken and slung over a tree branch. I couldn't see where her hands were but they weren't attached to her wrists anymore. It looked like her tongue was missing too biased on the fountain of blood she just spit up. I didn't want to examine her closely enough to find out for certain.

My human half winced. My yokai half was trying to give me more ideas. I thought about his question for a second and turned back to him. **~'Yes.'~** There may have been more venom in my voice-mental voice than I intended.

I wondered why I suddenly didn't have any problems killing humans. 'I suppose it's only fair... I mean, there are good yokai and I kill bad yokai. Isn't it only fair to do the same to humans?' I pursed my lips and decided I didn't really want to think about it too much. I checked on the other two. They only had their throats slit. 'Thanks for not torturing the young ones. Although, they probably didn't deserve to die.'

Beast shrugged and directed my attention back to the bastard.

He had very little yokai. I checked my yokai and reiki and wondered if I had enough energy to give him some and still get us back. The adrenaline was wearing off and I was weak.

 **~'Did you at least get us some food? Or were you hunting miko?'~** I asked, sarcastically.

He glared physically and mentally and tilted his head off to the side. His eyes drooped and he rested his chin on his chest.

I sniffed around. Miko blood, his blood and... the faint scent of deer blood. We were both covered in rapidly drying red stains and I couldn't tell how injured he was. 'Maybe I- we... you should have been neater...'

The elder miko gurgled. She was still alive. 'Cool.' I smirked.

**~'Rather pleased with yourself aren't you?'~**

**~'She had it coming.'~** I retorted. **~'You should know how I feel about sealing arrows.'~**

He snorted. Aloud.

I tilted my head at him. **~'You ok to move? I don't know if I can give you energy and still get us back.'~**

**~'You look like a dog when you do that.'~**

He sent me a mental picture of myself. I did look like a dog. 'Stupid ears.' **~'Ha. Ha. Really funny bastard. You need to eat and I am not leaving you alone to get ambushed by silly weak miko again. I don't want to drag your heavy ass over those bushes but I will if I have to.'~**

Glare.

 **~'Kami, is that all you can do? Glare? Well I can't lift your lordly ass right now. I can hardly fucking stand.'~** I sent him my exhaustion. **~'I may have yokai left but that didn't mean that I have any muscle mass. If I were full yokai this wouldn't be a problem. Fucking human half.'~** I probably weighed less than Rin.

His eyes widened minutely. I wouldn't have noticed without my new eyesight. I also felt his surprise through the link. I could feel his unspoken question.

**~'I'm half human. That comes with limitations and bonuses. Asshole.'~**

He cocked his head as he thought.

**~'You look like a dog when you do that.'~**

**~/Humor. Exhaustion. Half-hearted glare./~**

'Huh. It's almost like he did that on purpose for a laugh.' **~'Get your fat ass up already. Damn it.'~** I locked my knees so I wouldn't fall.

He didn't miss the sway.

He stood up slowly and I smelt fresh blood. I ignored the part of me that wanted to lick it. It smelt really, REALLY good. His blood. 'Oh, kami. I really am insane.'

He narrowed his eyes as he looked in the direction of the kill then he subtly looked at me.

The link was quiet, as was he, but I understood. **~'You're a giant pain in the ass. If you need help just fucking ask. It's not like there's anyone to see you. And if there was leaning on me is way less embarrassing than getting sealed by those weaklings.'~** I marched, as best I could, over to him and flung my arm under his ribs. He seemed thinner than he should be. 'Is it the lack of armor? Has he always been this thin? He feels half starved.'

_^'He smells AMAZING!'^_

'I hate my life.' I ignored the death throes of the miko. Her lungs were filled with blood. Her heart didn't have enough to keep pumping. Seconds away from death. 'She should have suffered longer.'

I took a step forward and fluffy stumbled. He was weaker than he let on. /Worry./ **~'Put your arm around my neck.'~** When he didn't I did it for him. I fed him some yokai and carried- dragged him over to his kill.

Correction: kills.

**~'Did you kill the entire herd? Damn!'~**

There were at least twenty deer cleanly killed in the clearing and I thought I could smell more beyond. I tried to sit him next to the biggest buck but I wasn't strong enough and ended up dropping him and falling in his lap.

Beast purred.

I ignored him and pushed myself up. And fell to the other side. I wanted to ask why he massacred more food than we needed, or could, eat. Ever. I wanted to know why he went so far from the cave. I wanted to know how he ended up sealed surrounded by miko.

He was asking me something. He was nudging me.

He wanted me to eat. The thought of eating made my stomach turn. I brushed him off mentally and fell asleep.

\-----

**~'Eat.'~**

'Oh, kami. Why am I awake?' Every part of me hurt. But I had more yokai than I'd had in a long time.

**~'I don't repeat myself.'~**

**~'Why aren't you all "This Sesshomaru doesn't repeat himself?"'~**

Pain. **~'Ow. Fuck. Did you just kick me? I think it's a reasonable question.'~**

Mental sigh. **~'You eat, I explain.'~**

**~'You eat. This Sesshomaru tells you no more than necessary or that your tiny half-breed brain can process.'~**

Mental wince. **~/Guilt./~**

Splat. **~'Did you just throw raw meat on my face?'~** I could feel the blood seeping toward my eye and mouth. I picked up the food and examined it while wiping off my face with my sleeve. **~'Fucker.'~**

**~/Humor./~**

I was torn, on the one hand I needed to eat. On the other I'd been violently ill from eating raw meat before.

_^'You won't get sick.'^_

I mentally rolled my eyes at him. 'Sure. That's why I was soooo healthy as a kid.'

He let out an exasperated sigh and moved my reiki to purify the meat.

I nibbled at the newly purified liver carefully, testing each bite to make sure swallowing it wouldn't overly irritate my finicky stomach. **~'Well?'~** I posed to cover-up my weakness.

**~'Rin was imitating me. It was annoying and inappropriate for her to be doing so. Since you are pack I saw no reason to have you imitating me as well.' /Guilt. Lie. Wince./~**

/Disappointment./ 'The only thing he could by lying about was seeing me as pack.' My stomach turned and I threw the uneaten half of dinner at his face.

 **~/Confusion./~** The liver skimmed his ear and hair. **~/Annoyance./~**

I fell back and closed my eyes. I blocked the emotional link on my end. My emotions were changing so fast I couldn't keep track of them. And most of them I didn't want to have in the first place. Let alone processing the ones that were his. **~'When'd you get so slow? I got you there.'~**

 **~'I am not slow. You need to eat.'~** I could feel him testing my energy levels.

"Ha!" Wince. 'Ow. Stupid voice.'

**~'Eat.'~**

**~'Fuck off.'~**

Sigh. **~'Eat... please.'~**

Stunned silence. 'Did he just...?' My eyes felt like they couldn't get any wider and my head turned so fast I pulled my neck.

His face was an emotionless mask. Not even his eyes gave me any insight into what he was feeling. I watched as he cut some tender meat from the deer near us and sat down next to me.

'That does look good.' My brain was still too frozen to realize he had wrapped his arm around my shoulders and lifted me so I sat against him.

He moved the meat closer to me and I devoured it before I was done blinking. My body wanted more but my stomach was rebelling. This was the fullest I'd been- well, remembered being, in... 'Huh. When was the last time I ate a proper meal BEFORE I left? The day Kagome came back? No, I was too excited to eat properly. And she was always bitching about how I ate like a pig when I ate to my fill. Hm...' My head cocked without my knowledge while I tried to think. I was so focused on my thoughts I lost track of my surroundings. /Comfort. Safe./

_^/Happy./^_

\-----

'Oh Kami!' **~'Yesssssss.'~** I was in pleasure overload. I sucked as the most delicious thing I'd ever had ever flowed into my mouth. I moaned against... something as I felt _that_ spot on my ear sucked on. My back arched and my eyes rolled back in my head. Blood traveled south.

The flow was stopping. **~'More.'~** I moved to bite the...thing and my ear was released. I whimpered at the loss.

"Shhh. Later. We need to get back."

Strong arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me against warmth, my hair tangling in the grass. I sighed and leaned back. I took a deep breath through my nose. 'Sesshomaru.' I tensed expecting pain. (A perfectly reasonable reaction considering our history. Non-recent history.) But he smelt different. And he was holding me. And he was breathing on my neck. I wiggled, uncomfortable at the situation and my response to it.

And his response to it. Which I could now feel. In his pants.

"GAH!" I leapt out of his arms and across the field. I noted absently that it was filled with mostly skeletons. 'Was it him that was sucking on my ear? Oh, I am NEVER thinking about that. Ever. As far as I'm concerned that was a dream. Featuring someone else. ANYONE else.'

_^'Then why is your ear wet? And your pants tight?'^_

He leaned up on his arm and gazed at me. **~/Amused. Aroused.../~**

'And slightly... sad? I can't be interpreting that right.'

'How can him being disheveled and covered in blood be sexy?' ... I slammed the link closed, hopefully before that thought-feeling-both-either was sent. 'Where the FUCK did that come from?!' I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. Then, avoiding looking anywhere in his direction and breathing through my mouth. 'Not that it helps much, I am COVERED in his scent.' I banged my head against a tree.

Repeatedly.

It wasn't helping.

'Wait. I only smell him. And me- I smell clean. Where's all the miko blood?' I looked down and saw bare torso. I winced. I didn't even realize that it was possible to see every bone in someone's body. At least my hakama were still on. They were damp though and a little muddy. I opened my mouth to talk and winced as I tried to clear my throat enough for anything intelligible. I did not look at him.

"Relax." He reached out with the link slowly.

I sighed and accepted. Then I waited for an explanation. And did not look at him. Absently I ran my fingers through my hair. It was clean and not tangled. I frowned at the silvery strands in between my fingers. 'What the?'

**~'It had been too long since you last ate. Your body spent all your energy converting the meat you ate. You were still hungry but... there was less meat left then was desirable.'~**

I cut him off. **~'You ate ALL those deer?!'~** I looked at the setting sun. **~'In one sitting?! Holy shit!!'~**

He mentally huffed. **~'Yes. I was hungry. It had been... longer than desirable since I last ate.'~**

I allowed him to finish the sentence before I interrupted. I wasn't sure where he was going next and I wasn't sure I wanted to know. **~'Is desirable the only word you know? How long has it been since you have done something desirable in less than longer?'~** 'Oh kami SHUT UP.' I realized that came out _way_ too sexual considering the moistness on my ear and my partial nudity. /Embarrassment./ Blushing.

Beast was rolling on the floor laughing. I think he actually had tears in his eyes. He must have been keeping most of his amusement hidden from me because he seemed fainter than normal.

Sesshomaru didn't need to shut off the link for me to understand his reaction. Barking laughter carried through the better part of the forest.

I cocked my head and watched him laugh. It was nice. And creepy. I returned to banging my head against the tree.

When he calmed down he responded. **~'Clearly you need to eat more. Or you're insane. Both are possible.'~**

The bark was coming off the tree.

He waited. And inched closer.

I sighed and turned to him. He had my fire rat under his arm. I avoided looking at his face while donning it. I would have asked where my kosode was but I probably lost it long ago. It wasn't self repairing or cleaning and I had more cuts and holes in my body in the last two years to count. It was strange that I never noticed that I didn't have undergarments. Because I certainly wasn't wearing any. 'I REALLY hope that I didn't have fundoshi on before...'

**~'It is clean enough. As are you.' /Amusement./ 'Unfortunately the water was cold.'~**

"ARGH!" I glared at him. But it turned into more of an ogle than I had intended. 'This is soooo weird.' I'd never felt this horny in my life. I shook my head and tried another glare. This one came out better. **~'Really? Right when I start to get comfortable? Ugh. How are you so creepy?'~**

 **~'Humans.'~** He spat the word as a curse. **~'Firstly, your pants were on the entire time. Secondly, what on earth is creepy?'~**

I REALLY didn't want to comment on... anything so I side stepped the question. **~'I left Rin weakened. We should go before she gets into trouble.'~**

That diverted him. He asked me how I arrived and when I couldn't tell him I showed him what I remembered. He nodded and indicated that should we both help so the energy tax wouldn't be much.

I don't know how, but somehow I didn't understand that we would be traveling by light ball or whatever it's called. 'I didn't even know I could do that. That I did do that.'

He embraced me (fucking tree to my back prevented my escape) and surrounded us in energy just as the sun went down.

'New. Fucking. Moon.' My yokai dissipated and with it my link to the asshole that I was merged- surrounded - trapped with. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't see. I couldn't feel my body. But I could feel my brain. And the essence of the bastard who was currently killing me. I couldn't tell him that though. And somehow the moron didn't notice.

I didn't want to die. Two fucking years trying to kill myself and now when I was getting my wish I didn't want it. 'Fuck.' I could feel brain cells dying again. I couldn't speak to Sesshomaru without a mouth and I couldn't speak to him mentally without yokai. There was only one thing I could do.

'I don't want to hurt him.' ... 'I don't want to die.' ... 'Kami fucking damn it!'

I flared my reiki.

'AIR!' I was so busy mentally thanking every kami I knew that I could breathe again that I didn't realize I was falling. It hit me about the same time the first branch did.

"Ow!" Branch. "Fuck!" Scratches. "Ooph." Branch. 'There goes the air.' Branch, branch, scratches, ground. I waited for the breath to get un-knocked out of me and my vision to return. 'Could I hate being human more?' Headache. Evidently I landed on my skull. 'Apparently yes. Yes, I can hate being human more.' I mentally cursed every kami I knew.

Something was approaching. 'Fucking human senses.' It was even worse now that my hanyou senses were better. It was like living in breathable salt water. You can see, kinda, and hear, kinda, and you can't smell shit, literally.

I snorted a laugh at my mental joke. 'Ah! I can breathe!'

Rustle. 'Fuck.' I could hide my reiki and hope whatever it was didn't notice me or I could flare my reiki and hope to scare it off. 'But, if it notices my reiki and is more powerful than I am (likely at this point, I'm so fucking low on energy) it will kill me. Hm...'

Rustle.

'It sounds closer.' I blinked but couldn't see anything. Anything worth noting anyway. 'It's weird how no matter how dark it is you can tell when you can see and when your vision is gone for any reason.' My vision was back but I didn't bother to look at what sounded like a bush. 'Stupid human eyes can't see whatever it is when it's this dark.' I noted that it didn't seem this dark on the last new moon. 'Wait, wasn't that last night? What the fuck?'

"Are you going to just sit there and wait for death since the fall didn't do it?"

'Huh, didn't matter what I did. ... Actually, better I did nothing. Wouldn't want to burn the fucker worse than I already did. Or hide from him. ...Wait, what?' Brushing away unsettling thoughts about actually wanting my homicidal brother's- half brother's company I tried to remember what his question was.

Pain.

"Ow, damn it! Don't fucking kick me." 'Oh, kami. How in the hell does speaking hurt MORE than before? ... Oh, right. Human.'

"You are _undoubtedly_ the most annoying creature on this island. And the entire world."

I snorted. 'How is Sesshomaru funny? Is he trying to be funny? ... Or am I just insane?' I cocked my head and rubbed my temples. 'Ugh, bleeding again. Stupid face.' I opened my eyes. 'When did I close them?' I could make out a little of my brother's- half brother's hair and his eyes reflected light I couldn't see. They looked like they were glowing. 'Creepy.'

He had his head cocked. "You're human again."

I mimicked his tone. "You're observant." 'How can I see his eyes narrow when I can't see them? Is it just that there's less reflecting or...'

Smack.

"Ow! Fuck!" I closed my eyes. 'I probably deserved that.'

"Why are you still suicidal?"

My eyes snapped open again. "I'm not. I changed while in the light sphere of human death and since you failed to notice I was dying I did the only thing I could do."

His eyes narrowed.

"I know, right? I told you that you were observant. But, I'm sure you would have figured it out when we landed and my corpse fell at Rin's feet."

Silence.

"I hit my head." I said as an explanation. I wasn't sure I needed one but I was sure I wasn't coherent in my head so I probably wasn't coherent aloud.

"Hn."

Then, just because I could: "You probably didn't notice."

Smack.

"I think I'm funny."

"Quit your inane chatter and get up."

'Yeah, no. Fucking head.' "I don't think I can anyway. Probably have a concussion. That would explain it. I didn't think I was this... whatever before. How do you explain a concussion to a bastard dai-yokai? Head injury? Does he know anything about healing? What does he..."

Smack.

"Oh shit. I was saying the in my head stuff aloud and the out loud stuff in my head, huh?"

"This Sesshomaru pities your head for having to listen to you."

"...I don't know if you're joking or not."

There was no response. The bastard didn't even blink.

"I think you are though. I think you have a sense of humor. I think-"

"Stop thinking and start moving before your blood attracts things that this Sesshomaru will be required to eliminate."

I moved my arms and started to lift myself into a sitting position. "Fucking head!" I felt more moisture on my cheek. I couldn't wipe it off because my arms were supporting my torso. "Ugh."

'Wait.'

'Wait.'

'How is the moisture running up my head?'

"Mm."

"ARGH!" I flung myself over. "Kami-sama! Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why the FUCK are you licking my face?!" Throb. 'Fucking head.' Throb. 'Fucking life.' Arms lifting me against a warm strong chest that smelt REALLY good. Bridal style. "Should have let you kill me." Throb. "Seriously." Wind.

"Can life get any WORSE? First, living with those fuckers mom called relatives. Then, she dies and I get beaten as I'm chased out. Next, seeing you and feeling more excited than I can ever remember. I mean, family, real fucking family. I knew just by looking at you. I was so hungry and alone. Then you FUCKING snort, narrow your eyes and turn your back on me. Fucker. I don't even want to think about the years leading up to Kikyo. Or Kikyo. Then the whole mu onna yokai mom thing. Do you have any idea how fucked up that was?! After that it's all stomach holes and stabbing. By the way, holes anywhere, but mostly in the torso, take FOREVER to heal. I must be the luckiest being alive that I was always healed enough by the new moon. Or maybe I have the worst luck ever. Kagome FINALLY returns, just when I was getting over her, and she goes crazy. Everyone leaves and Keade gets cancer. Now I'm getting licked by the only person who's ever given me a full erection. And it's my brother." I moaned pitifully. "Oh kami my head!"

"This Sesshomaru believes you have a severe head injury."

I blinked in mortification as I realized my internal monologue had become external. "Oh, fuck me! I should have known that was all aloud. Could you dissolve me now? I can honestly say I'm suicidal again."

"Idiot."

 

 

 

 .

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to edit again. After 6 mos. and several different stories you'd think I'd be a much better writer. I should apply for a beta but... meh, it's probably not worth it. :/
> 
> After becoming more familiar with AO3 I've moved stuff around. Please comment if you get confused.


	3. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Fluff. Budding sexual fantasies. First stirrings of actual plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.  
> ____

When we passed through the barrier of the cave Rin came flying at us and hugged us. Which was unfortunate. Partly because I hated being touched. And partly because I wanted the fuck out of the bastard's arms and couldn't effectively struggle when trapped between the two of them.

"Oh, thank Kami-sama! I was sooooooooo worried. Are you both ok? What happened?" She released us.

I wiggled my way out of my brother's arms and onto my feet. And then my knees gave out and I started falling into the fire. 'Fuck. This is going to hurt.' I braced myself.

An arm shot out and wrapped itself around my waist. I was pulled roughly against a body.

'I'm going to have a bruise. But, it's better than being burned I guess.'

I knew it was Sesshomaru. I wanted to want to pull away. But, honestly, I just didn't care anymore. For some reason I was human again. And I was weak. And tired. Too much had happened much too fast. I closed my eyes, hung my head and accepted my brother's comforting embrace. 'Even if he doesn't mean it or if this is all some elaborate plot, it's still nice to have some positive attention.' I allowed myself to believe, if only for tonight, that I was accepted.

\----

Rin has the worst bedside manner ever. It's not an opinion. It's a cold hard fact.

Apparently, Sesshomaru put her in charge of taking care of me when I fell asleep in his arms whilst standing. I was forbidden from arguing or fighting with either of them because of what happened next.

The change was always more painful and disorienting if I was asleep when it happened. Waking up in pain and confused was bad enough. Waking up in pain, confused, trapped in someone's arms who has a scent you associate with both physical and emotional pain and your future demise (but still smelt good and made your new hormones go haywire) was hell.

'I still maintain my reaction was valid and was in no way excessive.'

_^'You broke his arm while trying to rip it off.'^_

I was saved from responding by being prodded in my twice bruised ribs by Rin.

**~'Ow! Fuck!'~**

**~'Then eat.'~** Both Rin and Sesshomaru thought at me at the same time.

**~'It's creepy that you can do that you know. It's like you're the same person. Only one's a girl. You could both be girls I guess. Fluffy does have the same eye makeup as Sango.'~**

Smack.

"Ow! Fuck!" **~'See you even hit me at the same time. Don't you think that's weird? Although... it's more like slapping. Which makes sense because you're both girls...'~**

"Mother fucker!" **~'I prefer the slapping to the punching. Just so you know. Wait, are you coordinating your abuse through the link?'~**

 **~'Yes.'~** Exact. Same. Time.

I growled and turned off the links out of spite.

It was weird discovering that mentally talking to others wasn't something all yokai could do. Beast didn't know if it was a hanyou thing or if it was because I was special. Not many hanyou made it to their first heat and as far as he knew I was the only creature ever to have yokai and pure reiki.

'More proof that I'm a freak.' I sulked.

Sorting through my, Rin's and the bastard's emotions and thoughts on top of beast's (which Rin had yet to name - she assured me she would though) made me feel like I really did have Schizophrenia.

"Eat." They both laughed when they did it again.

Well, Rin laughed. Sesshomaru snorted, lifted the corner of his mouth and his eyes twinkled.

'Twinkled? Really? I couldn't come up with a less... weird word?'

_^'I don't know about weird but it was the most accurate description. See? They're still doing it.'^_

I growled and decided to distract myself by picking a fight. Well, continuing a mini-fight. "How the hell did you do that without the link? Do you two share a brain?" Then raw meat hit my face. I wiped it off and started eating.

 **~/Amusement./~** Mental laughter. Apparently Rin had linked.

 **~'Fuck you Rin.'~** Links happened without conscious thought now. Half the time I wasn't even aware of the other person.

**~'Stop eye-banging Sesshomaru and I'll stop throwing things at you.'~**

"ACK!" 'Oh kami. Choking. No air.' **~'Help!'~**

Sesshomaru smacked my back until the meat stopped blocking my airway and landed on the floor. "Fuck! Rin! REALLY?!"

She was laughing so hard she didn't even realize I was choking. She didn't look like she would recover anytime soon either.

I could feel Sesshomaru's curiosity through the link.

'I guess she figured out how to talk just to me without him overhearing. Thank kami-sama.' **~'DON'T EVEN FUCKING ASK!'~** I thought at him.

He tried to lift the answer from my mind.

I slammed the links shut and threw my meat at him. "Oi! We said none of that! Fucker."

He looked ashamed. At least his face moved millimeters into what would be an ashamed expression. "Gomen."

It was so quiet I barely heard him. 'Still weird for him to be so... un-lordly? Not such a cold bastard. Normal.' I snorted. 'He will never be normal.'

_^'You're hardly one to talk. And you don't want him to be normal.'^_

'I don't even want to think about what I want in regards to him.'

_^'You mean his strong, pale, naked, striped body writhing in pleasure, eyes half closed and rolled back. Mouth parted and moaning exposing his long white neck while his long toned legs are-'^_

"SHUT UP!" My ears flattened to my head and I threw my hands over them. I shook my head violently, trying to get the (arousing) image out of my head. 'I told you, NO! STOP thinking things like that!!' Beast had been doing that randomly whenever I was awake. As soon as I let my guard down-

_^'- flung over your shoulders. As your throbbing-'^_

"ARUGH! I said SHUT UP!!" I smacked myself in the head to get the point across.

Both my cave mates looked at me like I was crazy. They didn't say anything though. They knew I was having trouble adjusting to, for lack of a better description, being sane.

_^'I've told you there is nothing wrong with that. You're yokai! It's normal. Two males isn't even a problem with humans except they've got some crazy button that makes them all uptight. Each individual is born with preferences-'^_

'BROTHER! And I like GIRLS!'

He snorted. _^'Liar. You'll have amazing pups with your brother.'^_

I didn't know what to be indignant about most so I settled on what I was most curious about. 'How the _hell_ do males have pups?'

_^'We're not like humans. If we desire to carry pups we can. Well, most of us can. True alphas can't. Actually they probably could. No one would know because they'd never be the uke. We evolved because female yokai are very rare and quite frankly not worth the time. Bat shit crazy and NO instincts to care for young. They usually eat them. You see-.'^_

I cut him off since he was rambling. 'No. Just... no. I'm not talking to you about this. EVER.'

I said it with such finality that he actually shut up.

Meat appeared in my hand. I ate it and stared into the fire so I didn't have to look at anyone. Rin moved to take her fish out but I slapped her hand away.

"Not ready yet."

She snorted but listened. She got food poisoning a lot less often since I joined.

'I honestly have no idea how she survived before she came to the village and once she left. Sesshomaru is the most helpless thing I've ever seen. At least when it comes to human foods.' My curiosity was enough to reestablish a link with her. **~'Oi. How are you not dead?'~**

She had the ability to understand anything you said to her with or without the link. I knew she purposely misconstrued things to make them more sexual than intended. 'Too much time with the monk.' I mused. Why she wanted fluffy and I to fuck I'll never understand. And I REALLY didn't want to ask her.

_^'Because she sees what you refuse to.'^_

'I thought I told you to shut it.'

**~'Jaken-san took care of me.'~**

I gave her a flat look and raised an eyebrow.

She sent me a picture of my expression and matched it to my brother's. We looked a lot more alike now that I had stripes- even if I only had one on each cheek instead of two and mine were purple instead of fuchsia. Except for the eyebrows. And the skin tone. And the ears. 'I will never get used to my new appearance.' I was both glad and upset that I had markings. 'I'd always wanted them in the past but because I wanted to be full yokai. And I wanted that because-' I stopped myself. 'I _refuse_ to continue this line of thought.'

_^'You wanted your brother to accept you.'^_

'I wanted _anyone_ to accept me.' I argued.

He snorted. _^'But mostly him.'^_

**~'Jaken-san kept me from eating what would kill me. I was sick more often than not. I suspect that Sesshomaru-sama often took pity on me and left food where I could find it.'~**

I was thrown into memories of finding food and fresh kills when I was so hungry I could no longer hunt. I ignored them.

She gave me a knowing look.

I pointedly ignored her until her fish was done. Later I fell asleep wondering if she was right.

\-----

'Urgh, morning.' I tried to roll over but couldn't. I opened my eyes.

 **~'Why am I waking up in the middle of a girl sandwich?'~** It was a legitimate question. I was sleeping in between my brother and the pup.

Sesshomaru ignored me and nuzzled into my hair breathing deeply.

I wondered if I should stop him. 'The happiness through the link is worth the weirdness. I think.'

He was very touchy-feely. At first I threw a fit. He used the excuse that it was easier to feed me yokai if he was touching me. It was true, but I suspected it wasn't the reason.

He demanded that I use the (limited) control I had over my energies to help heal my human-ish body instead of replenishing. I had a lot of health problems from not eating for so long. When I replied that he had no say because Rin was in charge he smirked and told Rin to tell me. I would have bitched more but I felt kinda bad for trying to take his arm again. Even if I wasn't fully awake when I did it. So, I gave in and did as I was told.

The benefit of this plan was that the stronger my ningen part was the less I needed to supplement it with yokai for strength and speed. Sesshomaru overheard me thinking this and added that was why I had so much stamina. I had: my human strength, well of energy and adrenaline, my yokai strength and well of energy, and my reiki. Plus my stubbornness. I laughed at that. As far as I was concerned he was the stubborn one.

Thus, I was continually touching either him or Rin as they fed me. As the days passed I became more and more comfortable with it. I only freaked when Sesshomaru was aroused anymore. Or, more like when I knew he was aroused. He had very good control of both the link and his hips now.

'Although, him being all touchy feely during the day and waking up being spooned by the bastard are a little different.'

_^'Shhh, just enjoy it.'^_

Rin ignored me too. She pulled my arm more securely around her waist and put Sesshomaru's hand on top of it. I was used to waking up next to her. I pulled her back into my chest. I thought of her as pack when the bastard dumped her in my- the village but now, even though she was an adult by this era's standards, I thought of her as my pup.

Rin was talking to her father. 'Gah, weird. He's like, nineteen by human standards. And she's... fourteen? It's weirder that she calls me dad. Never asked me if she could either.' **~'I'm like, fifteen for heaven sakes!'~**

**~'Seventeen-ish. Hanyou age strangely. Or two-hundred and twenty...three? Yes. two hundred twenty-three by human years. Do you count the time you were sealed?'~**

'I did seem to age suddenly when the kotodama no nenju came off.'

_^'Not really. You just matured as per your heat cycle over the past two years.'^_

Rin and her father spoke behind me mentally. They could now muffle their conversations to the point that I couldn't listen in. It had been weeks since the sealing incident and I was getting worse about controlling the link. Half the time my thoughts slipped through to everyone when I was trying to think to myself. I knew beast wasn't doing it because I was getting better at controlling him.

He snickered. _^'Want some more ideas for your bath later?'^_

Well, controlling his control over me.

_^'Is that a yes?'^_

I needed a distraction.

**~'How old are you anyway?'~**

He mentally shrugged. ~'Over five-hundred. I don't keep track. Mother warns me if I'm about to come upon a heat cycle.'~

Beast explained heat cycles to me. They were periods of maturation and only the first one was really important. After the first you became an adult. You got your major yokai powers and became sexually mature. Each time after you got more standing in society and became more powerful. You were also mentally unbalanced until each was complete. I clung to this excuse for my behavior. No one believed me. Not even myself.

'Wait...' **~'Mother? You have a mother?'~**

 **~'Oh, yes. Most beings do.' Sigh. 'I imagine she'll want to meet you at some point.'** ~

I ignored his smartassery.

 **~'She killed me. She brought me back though. And it was a really important lesson for Father so I forgave her.'~** Rin actually sounded happy about it.

Based on the feelings I was getting from her father he did not.

 **~'How do you have a mother?'~** I could feel him preparing to make a sarcastic remark so I continued before he could. **~'I mean, that's alive. I thought dai-yokai had to mate to produce offspring? And I thought inu-yokai only took one mate at a time unless they found their true mate. And then, if they had a current mate they were killed.'~**

The emotional part of the link cut off at his end. **~'I have never asked. I have, however, speculated that your mother was Father's true mate.'~**

I knew I was already pushing, if not over stepping, the bounds of appropriate questions but I didn't stop. **~'A human as a true mate?'~**

**~'A miko.'~**

I winced. That made even less sense.

_^'Actually, because she had an aura strong enough to bond to your father's they could mate. And true mates would never reject each other. They were made by the kami themselves for each other. The red string of fate-'^_

I cut him off. I hated thinking about fate. She was a vicious harpy who only brought misery. **~'Besides, what is the point of living if your path was already pre-determined? There is no such thing as free will.'~**

**~'I have often pondered fate myself. I have wondered if turning your back on fate is what causes your suffering. It would also force someone else to take your place. And in return the Kami punish you.'~**

**~'What the fuck did I do wrong then?'~** I didn't bother bemoaning the fact that my thoughts crept out of my control again. I had given up controlling them. 'It's not like Rin or Sesshomaru care. They actually seem to like it.'

Rin intervened. **~'I don't think it was you who caused all your suffering. I mean, I believe Naraku and all that was your fate and by overcoming you can now reap your reward.'~** She shoved a picture of Sesshomaru into my brain.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. 'Some reward.' **~'Fucking brat.'~**

She ignored me, wiggled free and left the cave. I knew enough about humans' morning needs not to follow her.

Sesshomaru took the opportunity to lean up and breathe on my neck. I knew he did it on purpose but I couldn't prove it.

_^'Nor do you want to. What you want is for him to lean down and kiss, lick, nip and suck the entire exposed expanse and all non-exposed areas as well.'^_

'I hate you.' I also hated my pants. And I knew that soon my willpower would crumble. More of me liked that idea than disliked it now. 'It's not fair. I get hormones, finally, and my beast decides that my brother would make a good fuck. Perfect.'

_^'Just imagine being held tighter. How nice it would feel to push back into him and cuddle. How much happiness you would get through the link.'^_

  **~'He is warm...'~**

_^'Then grinding your ass against his-'^_

When the arm tightened I smacked my head against the floor.

Thankfully Rin came in before I had a mental breakdown and Sesshomaru backed off. Minutely. More like moved his mouth a centimeter away from my neck. When she linked he didn't share his emotions with her. I was certain the emotions he was blocking were far less... brotherly then he led me to believe.

When she linked she was overly cheery.

There was a buzzing in the back of my head that told me they were chatting.

I freed myself and stretched. There was a hot spring not far (for a yokai) from here and I wanted a bath. Alone. I checked everyone's energy levels as a precaution before I left.

\----

I had found this place when I was looking for some human food. As much as I loved eating raw meat or fish it wasn't enough for me to live on. I didn't get sick from eating it now that I'd had my heat like when I was a kid but the human half had different requirements. Cooking the meat and fish did not fulfill those- contrary to my brother's beliefs.

There were two pools fed from underground vents on the side of a deep stream. It didn't take much work to dig trenches and stack rocks so that the cold and warm water mixed to the perfect temperature. Plus, it had the added benefit of being self-cleaning.

I came to this hot spring everyday now. Sometimes twice a day. And I always came alone. 'Stupid hormones. I fucking hate being a teenager.'

And of course I had to think of the bastard when I came. If I didn't then I couldn't fucking get anywhere and I left more frustrated then when I arrived. 'Thank the kami for beast's imagination.' With him providing the images I could argue that I wasn't the one thinking these things.

_^'It's a lame excuse.'^_

We arrived and I stripped off my clothes and jumped in. 'Just shuddap and do the only thing you're good at.'

He ignored the insult and obliged.

\----

I was relaxing in the other pool when I felt him. Sesshomaru was subtlety checking up on me with his yokai. Well, he was trying to be subtle. In the past it would have worked but my new ability and senses made me super sensitive to spiritual energy. He was attempting to read my energy without linking. Every time I was away for what he deemed "too long" he tried to checkup on me without my noticing. This attempt was more creative but also more noticeable because of it. I rolled my eyes and smacked him- his yokai with my yokai to let him know I was fine and to leave me alone. My washing pool was warmer and I had cut up part of a waterlogged tree from the creek to be a bench. I leaned my head back on the mossy bank and closed my eyes.

\----

/Danger./

I was disoriented. I held perfectly still and searched for the threat. I didn't see anything or feel any energy. I sniffed but didn't smell anything out of place. I was about to relax, assuming that it was some dream I didn't remember that had awoken me but beast stopped me.

_^'Don't move. Something's off.' /Unease./^_

I allowed him to share my consciousness so we could look at the same time.

He wanted to let out a burst of yokai in hopes of scaring whatever it was out into the open. I disagreed. Either the thing wasn't aware of us or was spying on us. I wanted to know which.

I lifted myself out of the water as soundlessly as I could, focusing the majority of my senses downwind.

I hesitated, wondering if I should at least put on my hakama. 'I _hate_ being naked but the red is detrimental for stealth. On the other hand, they'll protect me and... me. But the extra movement could attract attention-'

My ear swiveled at the sound of a branch snapping.

I forced myself not to allow any other part of myself to react. 'That snap wasn't followed by anything. Someone's spying.'

Beast wanted to jump them but I reined him in again. I'd left Tetsusaiga back in the cave.

I put on my hakama and shook myself off.  While I was picking up my top I glanced over where I'd heard the sound, moving my head and eyes as if I were just routinely looking.

'There!' There was something out of place in those bushes. I forced myself to act nonchalant while I finished dressing.

 _^'Contact m-ah, get help.'^_ Beast chuckled uncomfortably.

I narrowed my eyes. Beast was clearly hiding something but it wasn't in my best interest to pry into my own mind right now. Whatever was in those bushes was aware I was aware of it. The stench of fear reached my nostrils.

Another twig snapped as whatever it was moved.

I tackled it.

"AHHHH!!"

I looked down at the girl under me.

"Keh." I snorted and let the ningen up. "What'cha doin' out here, kid?" I insinuated she was a child to help her fear. She was young but no child.

"I'm sorry, please don't eat me!" She shuddered in fear.

I rolled my eyes. 'Humans.' "I ain't gonna eat'cha dummy."

 _^'You really want to mate this?'^_ Beast asked, disgust clear in his voice.

'Oi, Kagome and Kikyo were different.' But I also saw his point. She reeked. The smell of human, sweat and female arousal was potent and unpleasant. Add her fear and I was as flaccid as I could get.

I looked around, there was an abandoned basket of berries next to the bushes. I picked it up and set it next to her. "Not that I ain't flattered or nothin' but you ain't my type. You may wanna move downriver from now on." I waved my hand at the multitude of bushes downstream.

My ear flickered to the sound of others approaching. I assumed they were villagers looking for her. I sniffed but they were downwind. I growled and wrapped myself in reiki. I wanted to leave but I was worried I was leaving the girl to become a snack for something else.

_^'She's not your problem.'^_

'I know. But, I don't want to see her hurt either...' I dithered until I felt Sesshomaru's yokai against my shield.

"Shit." I growled. I didn't know what the bastard would do if he knew a local had found my bathing spot but I figured he wouldn't let her go tell the others. Or he'd demand to join me.

"Get outta here, and don't come back if you know what's good for ya." I had beast's help changing my eyes, nails and fangs from hanyou to yokai. I didn't want to scare her but I also needed to get my point across. I wasn't going to give up this spot if I could help it.

She scrambled to her feet and ran as I took off in the other direction. I dropped my shield and allowed my brother to link.

**~'Why were you in a shield?'~**

**~'Thought I heard something. It was nothing. I'm on my way back now.'~** I lied. Hopefully he wouldn't be able to tell.

_^'You should tell him. There was something... off about the whole thing.'^_

I rolled my eyes. 'What could it possibly be?'

Beast didn't say anything but he was still uneasy.

'Do you really want him coming to our baths with us?'

_^'Oooooooo yeah. Then he can touch us. And we can touch him. Can't you just picture it? You touching yourself but he comes up behind us and reaches around-'^_

Smack.

"DAMNIT!" I glared at the tree I just ran into, tempted to hit it for getting in my way. But, I knew that was pointless. I focused instead on setting my broken nose. 'Don't do that while I'm running!'

**~/Concern./ 'Brother?'~**

I growled. **~'I'm fine. Beast just distracted me.'~** It was embarrassing but it'd also keep him off my ass.

My head was filled with the mental image of him _on_ my ass.

I held my head in my hands. 'Why?!?'

_^Laughter. 'I couldn't help it. It was too perfect.'^_

Sesshomaru's yokai nudged me.

 **~'Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm coming. Keep your pants on.'~** I grumbled at my impatient brother. 'Don't you DARE!' I shot at beast when I realized that could be made into a joke too.

_^Laughter.^_

\----

Sesshomaru was FAR more powerful than he let on. The first time he stopped shielding his true power from me I was so overwhelmed I fell into his arms. I knew then, for a fact, he NEVER actually tried to kill me. I, at that time, was a kitten fighting one of those semi-trucks I saw in Kagome's time. How he didn't kill Naraku just by looking at him I didn't know. I figured he had a reason for what he was doing. He always did. Even if it was shitty. Not that I knew, it was all guesswork on my end. I didn't want to destroy our new truce by asking questions.

Not only did he have more power than one being should ever have (he wasn't half fully matured yet either) he stored what he couldn't suppress in mokomoko. _That_ furry bastard had a mind of its own. Smacking it also seemed to cause its master pain. Sesshomaru kept us separated.

My brother was irritated when I came back from my bath covered in blood. He became even more so when he realized the injuries were self-inflicted.

"It's not like I meant to!" Normally, I'd use the mind speak but I didn't want beast getting anywhere near fluffy so I resorted to speaking aloud.

**~'Nevertheless you will need to be cleaned up. And, we do not have enough clean water to do so.'~**

"So? I'll go get more. It's not a big deal."

**~'You are NOT going out like that.'~**

"What? Why?" I asked, exasperated and irritated.

He gave me a flat look and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, my blood would attract things but..."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Fine, what do you propose?" I knew there was no way in hell he'd ever volunteer to get water. And Rin was never allowed to go anywhere alone.

 **~'Have him lick it up. It's obviously what he wants.'~** Rin chimed in.

_^'Yeah! That's a good idea!'^_

"W-what?" My head whipped back and forth between the two. My eyes widened when I realized she wasn't joking.

 **~'Unless you have a better idea?'~** He blocked all his emotions but his eyes were still alight. He clearly liked the idea.

I growled. **~'Every idea is better than that idea!'~**

 **~'We need specific ideas in order to judge them and I don't hear any other ideas.' /Impatient./ 'It is not as if you can lick your own face.'~** His tongue darted out to moisten his lips.

I whimpered. I really, _really_ wanted that tongue on me. Some parts more than others. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. Then growled when the sharp pain reminded me that was recently broken.

"Rin? Any ideas?" 'Something, anything...'

 **~'Why? My idea's winning.'~** She giggled.

'Smug little traitor.' I glared at her.

Then I practiced meditation as I was licked clean by family. It would have been a lot easier to focus if it weren't for the little moans that escaped both of us intermittently.

When he was done I needed another "bath" but he demanded I stay and protect Rin while he hunted.

I was upset about this for two reasons: One, I couldn't get my rocks off. Two, I'd have to have my link with him terminated. I was getting used to always having them in my head. We did almost everything together. And I was a little... something after his sealing experience. But, Rin needed sleep and I was hungry. She could stay awake a lot longer than most humans but she was no yokai. 'Neither am I, but...'

I turned to argue with him but he was gone.

"Fine, be that way." I sulked.

Then I realized I was sulking.

I growled and cleared my sinuses into a rag.

Rin shivered in the corner.

'Why don't we have blankets?' I'd not realized it until now but most beings slept with blankets. Not me, obviously, I usually slept in trees.

She shivered again.

I sighed and wrapped myself around her. I would have given her my robe but then I'd be topless and I wasn't going to show any more skin to my sibling than I had already.

'Why does this feel so right?'

_^'Inuyokai usually sleep with their pack in a big dog pile.'^_

I sighed. I _should_ know that.

\-----

Days, weeks, months... Time ceased to have meaning for me long ago. I should have been paying more attention to the lunar cycle at least but for some reason I felt safe, in this little cave. With my brother, of all people. And his pup. Who was also my pup. I knew they'd leave. That it was all too good to be true. That was the story of my life, it starts getting good, then it ends up worse than before.

'I shouldn't get used to this. But I already am.'

_^'Don't worry so much. Everything will work out.'^_

I snorted.

The little traitor's fingers started scratching behind one of my ears. She giggled when I leaned into her hand and sighed.

'When did I start letting people touch me? Especially my ears.' **~'All people ever did was pull on them, pinch them, stare at them and make fun of them.'~**

Rin's fingers stopped and I realized I was broadcasting again. She hugged me with all her strength and sent love and acceptance through the link. **~'I think your ears are your best feature.'~**

"Keh." 'Weird. But also... nice.'

**~'I, too, like your ears.'~**

"Ack!" I choked. That was more than I could handle. My brain broke and I left the cave to cut the links and clear my head. 'Preferably in nice warm water.'

\-----

While scrubbing my body with a sand and herb mixture that cleaned, disinfected and didn't smell fucking awful I took stock of my body. I was physically back to normal. It was hard to judge because I was never exactly well fed but I seemed more muscular. The fucker was still a lot taller than me. I couldn't tell if I grew taller or not. It wasn't much if I did.

It seemed like my yokai and reiki would never be full. I was scared to fully release either of them now. And there always seemed to be room for more.

Sesshomaru was watching- monitoring... hovering. I could sense him by the cave entrance. He didn't attempt to link, 'thank the kami,' but his yokai was hovering.

I smacked his yokai into retreating, again, and tried to relax.

It was back.

Sigh.

Irritated, I linked. **~'What?!'~**

**~/Worry./~**

**~'It's not like I haven't been alone before. You KNOW I'm not suicidal anymore. Why are you hovering?'~**

**~'I have a feeling. /Foreboding./~**

I cocked my head. "Hm." I'd spent so long ignoring my danger sense I didn't have one when conscious anymore. I nudged beast- who did.

He cocked his head. **~^ _'There! To the west! Approaching fast!'^~_**

It was the first time beast had ever used the link, at least, that I've been conscious for. I didn't have time to ponder it before Sesshomaru disappeared.

/Panic./ Both beast's and mine.

'Relax, he probably just went to get Rin.' I told us both. It didn't help the panic.

I could feel Rin and Sesshomaru exit the cave and I linked. I was wary of the approaching threat and didn't want to make myself known when I was so far away from my pack. When I moved to exit the water Sesshomaru screamed- yelled... commanded mentally:

**~'STAY IN THE WATER. PUT UP A BARRIER. THE STRONGEST YOU CAN. _NOW!_ '~**

I hesitated for almost a full second before Rin wordlessly smacked me into compliance.

I lost my link to Sesshomaru but Rin pulled me into her brain so I could... be there.

 **~'Oh kami!'~** It was awful. Her vision wasn't normal. I think. I'd never been in another human's head and I'm not a normal human so I had nothing to compare it to. But...

**~'Shh!'~**

She could see... life. She could see the auras to the west. There was A-Un, a lesser dragon yokai who was intelligent but not enough to change forms or communicate verbally. He was... 'Ugh.' So much information! She instantly _knew_ everything about everything she saw. _Everything._ Age, lifespan, health, strength: physical, spiritual and mental. Health, mood, temperament, intentions toward anyone it sensed, character, character flaws, needs, desires...

She sensed my distress and looked at the ground. Grass had far less to it and I adjusted as fast as I could. On top of the weird info she couldn't see as clearly as I could. Everything seemed blurry.

She knew everything about what was coming and told Sesshomaru all the relevant information. "Informant. One of your mother's spies. She knows you're looking for Dad but not why. She's frustrated and there have been talks of an uprising focusing on your cousin. I can't tell which one. You've been away too long."

"You? And the speculation?"

She returned her attention to the newcomer. "They know I'm with you. They're watching Edo and the taijiya village. They know I'm a miko and wish to test my strength. Use me as a weapon, kidnap other potential miko and monk children and train them to serve her."

He growled. "Her."

"Exactly."

"Inuyasha?"

I didn't know if that was the first time he'd said my name or if it was just hearing him say it now, with our new relationship but it was... amazing.

The emotions Rin was receiving made her smack me. She'd blocked her response and I was very grateful. I honestly didn't want to know and was more than a little mortified.

"They believe him dead." She didn't elaborate but she didn't need to. Her tone said everything. They were happy. Very happy. And if they found out I wasn't it wouldn't be pleasant.

Sesshomaru growled and his yokai flared enough to come into the edge of Rin's vision. She soothed him with her reiki.

She could read him without looking at him but I couldn't understand. She refused to share and refused to look at him when I nudged.

**~'If you continue to push I'll kick you out of my head.'~**

Rin always seemed wiser than her father-or anyone, everyone, else and now I knew why. I grumbled but understood. 'I wouldn't be surprised if she could see fate's design and being so attuned to Sesshomaru she saw something that I couldn't, or wasn't ready, to know. Either that, or she saw so much the information overload would make my head explode.'

**~'Both.'~**

I started. I knew I wasn't sharing. 'You can hear me?'

**~'You're in my brain. And such a simple creature I know without effort.'~**

'I _should_ be offended. But, I don't think you're human. And seeing the part of your brain I can understand, because I know there's more that I can't, I'm not.'

She mentally smiled. **~'I wasn't always like this. Something happened the second time I died. I felt different but I was still... human. Puberty, my heat, set something off.'~**

She showed me.

\-----

The very second her egg released (I could only understand that thanks to Kagome's books) her brain changed. She was talking with Keade one second and the next she knew only pain. It happened so fast she didn't even stop the word she was speaking at the time. Everything went out of focus and she blinked. Then she _saw_.

Keade sensed the reiki explosion and assumed the power she possessed made her a miko. Rin figured she did use reiki so she didn't question it.

Sesshomaru was the only one who noticed. She called him father out loud without asking first. He narrowed his eyes and blinked. When she couldn't _see_ him anymore she cried out.

"Tenshi."

\-----

**~'He unblocked me and we never spoke of it again.'~**

She showed me a picture of him when he uttered the word. Most of it was fuzzy, I guessed blocked information. But he was smiling. Widely. Unbridled joy. But, over the top of it was his usual mask. Nothing out of place except the outer corner of his eyes and by so little I wouldn't have noticed except she pointed it out.

"Oh, kami-sama!" That face! His smile! He fucking glowed!

**~Smack.~**

**~'Thanks.'~** I made a serious effort not to focus on my sudden, and quite painful, erection.

 **~/Amusement./~** She showed me a picture of the time she happened upon Jaken urinating into a bush.

 **~"AUGH! RIN!"~** 'I swear I'm blind!'

 **~'Better?'~** She asked with feigned innocence. Her mental laughter was deafening.

**~'Take it out of my head! Erase it! Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew...'~**

**~'Shut up, idiot. I'm sure you'll find future uses for it.'~** (AGH!) **~'And resume control of your barrier. He'll be able to sense us soon and my energy is... distinctive.'~** She looked into the forest to distract me.

I rubbed my eyes (until I realized that was stupid) and did as she commanded.

"Rin." Sesshomaru commanded.

"Ah!" She sent out a burst of purifying energy.

I sent her my confusion.

**~'Covering/erasing your scent, yokai... any trace that you exist. That can be purified, anyway.'~**

When she could tell that the rider could sense them she moved behind her father and his mokomoko curled around her ankle. The contact looked incidental but she could send, and feel, emotions through it.

'It's more sentient than I thought.'

**~'Duh.'~**

The closer the pair got the more emotional Rin became. She didn't articulate anything to me but I understood.

**~/Protective of me./~**

 He wished me dead, preferably in a painful manner.

**~/Defensive./~**

 If he had a chance he was to capture her.

**~/Rage./~**

He was sizing up her father. His mother planned to overthrow him.

Mokomoko twitched minutely. Sesshomaru understood.

Neither gave any indication of what they knew. Their powers were suppressed to almost nothing. Rin's face was a mask of innocence and curiosity. She seemed only excited to see her dragon again. As the threat approached she actually bounced on her toes in excitement.

**~'That act won't work much longer.'~**

**~'Duh.'~** She mentally rolled her eyes.

**~'Oh, right. You would know exactly how to act.'~**

She wasn't looking at Sesshomaru but I assumed he looked blank and threatening. His mask probably firmly in place.

When they landed Rin cried out in rapture. "A-Un! I missed you!" She made to run to him.

"Rin."

She froze and looked to her father.

 **~"Argh!"~** I shut my mental eyes. 'Too much.'

 **~'Gomen. I should have blocked you.'~** She proceeded to do so to the best of her abilities. He looked overly fuzzy again.

His head inclined slightly to her in reprimand and he returned his gaze to the spy. Who dismounted quickly and clumsily.

She was mentally expatriated at the idiot who was painfully over-acting. She huffed impatiently.

The spy bowed low to his lord. When he came up Sesshomaru inclined his head slightly.

The dragon yokai took the initiative and ran to Rin, who immediately started loving on him.

A-Un was excited to see Rin. Even though she couldn't understand words from him he communicated with her through some sense I didn't possess or understood her responses based on her pets.

She babbled nonsense aloud to disguise their actions and kept an eye on the spy.

When the spy didn't move or say anything Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes slightly.

The spy jumped in actual fear, which amused us all greatly.

"M-My lord!" He bowed again. "I have a message from your honored mother."

When the spy didn't move or elaborate Sesshomaru prompted him. "Indeed."

The spy cleared his throat. "Y-Yes. She bids you return. Talk of a plot has reached her ears."

"Hn."

"Y-Yes. Your cousin is plotting to overthrow you. Reiji-sama believes you weak. The West believes you chase ghosts and since it's been two years since we last heard from you the rumors have grown worrisome over the past year. "

"Why hasn't anyone come to Sesshomaru-sama sooner! A year?" Rin was the picture of innocent indignity.

"W-Well..."

The silence lasted too long.

Faster than Rin could see Sesshomaru removed the spy's arm.

"ARGH!"

When the spy stopped moaning and the bleeding was manageable he looked relieved.

'Probably happy he gets to keep his life.' I mused.

"You may tell Mother this Sesshomaru will return to quash _any_ opposition. Remind _my cousin_ of the last who threatened this Sesshomaru's rule."

The spy winced.

"Rin."

"Yes, Sesshomaru-sama?"

"I will return you. Prepare yourself."

"Yes Sesshomaru-sama!" She dithered between the cave and the dragon.

"You may take the dragon."

The spy looked happy for the briefest moment.

"Thank you Sesshomaru-sama!" Rin was ecstatic.

We all laughed mentally at the spy's crestfallen expression.

Rin ran to the cave pulling A-Un's reigns rambling excitedly about nothing and bemoaning not being able to go with her lord at the same time.

Sesshomaru stared at the spy without blinking. When so much time had passed that his knees started knocking Sesshomaru moved his head the smallest amount possible to indicate the spy could leave.

The spy bowed repeatedly and much lower than when he arrived and bolted as soon as his lord's attention turned to his ward.

Rin monitored the spy's escape and Sesshomaru searched the area for any hidden threat. When he was done Rin checked.

**~'Ok.'~**

I dropped my barrier and climbed out of the water linking with my brother at the same time. Watching those two was hilarious.

**~'A-Un says your mother has no designs on your rule. She's playing to draw you out.'~**

**~'She's bored.'~** Sesshomaru groaned internally. Just like a teenager.

Both Rin and I smirked but didn't comment.

\-----

 **~'Argh, flying in a barrier is both exhausting and boring.'~** We were close to the taijiya village and I missed my link with my brother.

Rin was chatting with A-Un and mostly ignoring me.

Sesshomaru was flying in the lead. I couldn't see his face, couldn't feel his aura, couldn't be linked to him and I HATED it. I had no idea how I was going to survive while he was gone. 'Don't think about that. Definitely don't analyze why you're feeling that in the first place.' I sighed. 'At least I'll have Rin.'

"How long are you going to be at your..." I frowned when I realized I had no idea what our ancestral home was. "...castle or whatever?" I had to ask aloud. Which was surprisingly annoying.

He shrugged his shoulder.

I was not pleased with the lack of response. I was going to miss the bastard. A lot. I growled at my reaction.

Rin laughed at me. **~'Now who's being the teenager?'~**

**~'Well, I am one.'~**

**~'Love sick.'~**

I wasn't going to dignify that with a response. Or think about why it felt as if it rang true. Or think about it again. Ever.

Beast was dancing and demanding that I do things that I didn't think I could do while airborne.

I mentally smacked him. And physically adjusted my hakama.

Rin was happier than a human should be. In fact, she was so happy I was worried she would fall off A-Un with her bouncing.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to ask, **~'How is a human not grossed out about the fact that I want to rut with my brother?'~**

**~'I'm not human and I was raised by yokai. Duh.'~**

That response was upsetting. For some reason I just now realized that they'd been hiding the fact that she wasn't human from me. Even when she called me dad. 'Add the fact that Sesshomaru raised her and not me...' I growled.

"Are you concerned about seeing the rest of your pack?" Sesshomaru didn't fool either of us. He was concerned about me. And he sounded annoyed that he had to speak aloud.

I cocked my head as I thought about it. "Actually, no. I'm excited." The fact that I was surprised showed.

Rin was smirking about something but wouldn't let me in on it.

Right before humans could see our approach Rin flared her reiki and touched Miroku to let them know who we were. No matter how much yokai Sesshomaru suppressed there was no way to mistake him as anything but a dai-yokai.

A bell was ringing and people were shouting. The whole fucking town was gathering by the gate and it had grown more than I thought it would have. There were people everywhere. Some yokai too. Miko and monks were only barely not openly hostile. I watched the pervert physically hit them each with his staff but there were so many beings I couldn't hear anything specific. My ears hurt and we were still so far away Rin was having trouble seeing them.

Rin felt my discomfort. "Why don't you land here. I'll bring your pack to you."

The stench was burning my nose so bad I was getting dizzy. I nodded mentally and peeled off.

**~'Keep your barrier up. Even your suppressed yokai will freak everyone out.'~**

Sesshomaru slowed when I moved off course.

"Don't worry. He just hasn't adjusted to his new senses. He's overwhelmed." Rin explained.

"Humans." His voice was faint.

I was leaving them more quickly than I would have liked but... **~'Ugh, humans.'~**

 **~'Indeed.'~** Rin said in her Sesshomaru voice. She matched his speaking voice so perfectly I yelped. I could understand it was her (their voices when mentally communicating sounded different, similar- but different, than when they spoke aloud) plus the link's energy left a signature. Plus I wasn't linked with my brother.

I laughed with her.

Until they landed in the village. I whimpered when they were surrounded.

_^'Pack in danger. Go to pack.'^_

'They're fine. We can feel Rin and she's happy.'

_^'Miko and monks. Taijiya. All near mate. Protect mate and pup.'^_

'We're _not_ mates. And we both know that Sesshomaru could kill every person in that village before anyone could raise a weapon.' Just because I wanted to fuck him didn't mean I wanted to be with him.

_^'Pup too! Spies in village.'^_

'Ah, fuck.' **~'Oi, Rin!'~**

I was allowed into her brain while she focused on Kirara but moved so she was touching mokomoko.

It took both of us to block me from her senses enough for me to focus.

**~'Remind fluffy that there are spies in this village.'~**

She communicated my reminder to both my mate- 'ah fuck! I can NOT just call him that!'

 _^'Yet.'_ ^

**~'Yet.'~**

Apparently, Rin could hear beast. 'Fantastic.'

...and to Kirara. I always knew that cat was smart but I had no idea just how smart she was. 'Once I can drop my barrier I'm linking with her.'

She promptly ran to her mistress and nudged her to Rin.

'Seriously, how did I miss this?'

 **~'Don't feel bad. Those beads really fucked with you. It hurt to look at you. I would have removed them as soon as I changed but I didn't know how and then Kagome-sama came...'~** She sensed my discomfort at the topic and dropped it.

Rin was friends with all the teens and children. The holy people were also welcoming her. They were all checking her aura and saying how strong she was.

'Ha! They have no clue!'

**~'I am strong with what I'm not suppressing. Look.'~**

There was nothing to say. Rin could see total energy potential and the others were... ants.

Sango's brats jumped on her. "RIN-CHAN!"

'Ow, fuck. They're loud even to you.'

**~'Look at the youngest. His name is Ken-kun.'~**

'Holy shit!' He was, or would be, more powerful than the entire town combined.

**~'He's the one you healed.'~**

There were two reiki signatures in his aura. One was Miroku's and the other was...'mine? How?'

**~'How do you think?'~**

I had no idea. But Rin was scanning the crowd for the spies and I left her brain to avoid a headache.

**~'Found them. We're almost done and then we can bring your pack to you.'~**

I was adjusting my senses so I didn't worry about what they were doing. Between the two of them they had it handled.

Screaming.

My head snapped up and I listened to the link. Rin was ok and Sesshomaru wouldn't scream like that...

**~'Both spies are gone.'~**

I slipped into Rin's head in time to see the villagers scattering. Weapons lay forgotten on the ground, the holy people were shaking, pups- children screaming and tripping as they ran, Sango holding her head in her hands and Miroku saying a prayer.

I had her look at the carnage. There were two headless bodies on the ground and two heads with surprised expressions. 'How did he behead them without any blood?'

**~'He used his poison to cauterize as he cut.'~**

'Cool. Why is everyone freaking out?'

**~'Sometimes father has too much fun when there's an audience.'~**

She replayed the scene for me. Seeing what she saw under what everyone else saw together was strange but didn't distract from the theatrics.

I was laughing. He never broke character outwardly but his inner smile, while twisted and terrifying, showed how much he was enjoying himself. 'His name really does suit him doesn't it?'

 **~'Indeed.'~** She mimicked Sesshomaru's... mind voice.

She laughed aloud at my surprise. Then she froze. It looked to others she was laughing because one of the villagers dropped the second spy's head.

"Ooooh..." I winced. **~'BAD timing.'~**

She looked around like she didn't understand why everyone was staring at her. "What? A-Un was chasing their tail! Did anyone else..." She trailed off and appeared to become upset that she didn't understand. It was good cover, A-Un was taking themselves to the stables and no one had been watching them.

People shook their heads and moved on. I felt the tension leave Sesshomaru with a breath and felt him warn her through mokomoko. Everyone knew Sesshomaru's reputation as a cold hearted psychopath (not exactly un-true either...) and it wouldn't do to have Rin appear twisted.

Amazingly she wasn't either. She didn't take pleasure in killing or death but no amount of gore would phase her. I wondered how that happened. 'How did you die, twice, grow up with Sesshomaru and still remain so pure?'

She mentally shrugged. **~'It's all in how you look at things.'~** She showed me her feelings as the spies were killed. They were a threat to her pack. Evil. Sesshomaru was happy disposing of them. She was happy he was happy.

'Strange... pragmatic.'

She picked the definition out of my brain and silently agreed. **~'You know, I always knew you were smart.'~**

'How? I was a moron the whole time I was with you. And don't get me started on the whole Naraku debacle.'

**~'Nah, the beads just made it hard to think and on top of that you were acting. Once you got over Kagome-sama the first time and accepted village life your mask slipped; not much, but enough for your pack to notice. Kirara-chan told me how you were always reading Kagome-sama's books when everyone else was asleep before and after she left. Plus, after the change, I could see it. Yokai are smarter than humans anyway.'~**

'Really?'

**~'Yeah, humans are just more adaptable and creative. Remembering my old brain and seeing yours and Father's is really cool. You have the best of both species. It's fun seeing how you look at things. I _see_ , Father thinks and you solve.'~**

"Keh." I folded my arms into my sleeves.

**~'Complements still make you feel weird.'~**

I didn't need to respond.

She understood what I didn't say. **~'Father didn't mean it you know. Saying all those things.'~**

I snorted.

**~'He made a lot of mistakes before I changed. Hell, he still makes mistakes all the time. He's so YOUNG, you know?'~**

'You realize you're, like, fourteen in human years... and actual years.'

The last of the villagers had left Sango and Miroku alone with my family- pack. I pondered the difference. 'Wait, Rin and Sesshomaru are family and pack and my friends are just pack. How...?'

 **~'Hanyou thing.'~** Rin explained. **~'Well, I see it the same way so maybe we just can't fully comprehend the inu-yokai pack structure?'~**

Sango and Miroku were nervous around my mate 'Gah! Not yet! ... Wait, yet? FUCK!' I groaned and returned my attention to my pack, ignoring the reactions of beast and Rin. The couple's skittishness was funny. I wished I was in Sesshomaru's head. 'I bet he's preening.' I knew he wouldn't hurt them and they were pack.

Sango looked around and whispered to him, "Did you find him?"

Miroku leaned in to hear the answer.

"I made a new friend but he's scared of the village. Do you want to come see?" Rin chirped.

The couple's eyes lit up but they were trying not to hope. Sesshomaru gave nothing away. "You will prepare a hut for Rin and her _friend_ (his lip curled around the word like he found it distasteful) away from the others."

Before I could think Rin mentally explained the word offended him- not me. He wanted to say dad but couldn't. Even if they were pack he didn't let them see past the mask.

'Why?'

**~'It's too complicated for me to explain. Ask him.'~**

I snorted. Nothing was too complicated for her. 'Liar.'

Sango was village headman. It was weird because she was a woman, wife and mother but it was somehow right. She'd always been ahead of her time and Kagome made it worse- better. Every villager was happy with it too. Everyone was equal there. There were even yokai that were treated just like other humans.

 **~'She had a lot of problems at first. Men didn't like the change. The ones who couldn't accept were run off and most of the village started out with abused and/or widowed women. The first rapist was brutalized by his victim. When she couldn't hit any more other women took over. When he was near death he was castrated, painfully. It was so brutal a lot of men left and word spread. Equal amounts of couples and women flooded in. Most of the husbands who came got a lot of shit from their villages for treating their women like equals and were happy to be in a place where they were welcome.'~** Rin was bursting with pride through the whole story.

So was I, when I wasn't wincing at the idea of painful castration.

I was so busy listening that I hadn't noticed they were already coming my way.

When I smelled them I left Rin's head to link with the houshi. When he felt me he sobbed and fell to his knees.

 **~"Inuyasha."~** He said my name mentally and aloud in between gasps for air.

I winced at his emotions. They were stronger than Rin's and Sesshomaru's. **~'Fuck man. If I knew you were going to cry I would have-'~**

Rin mentally smacked me. ~ **'He's human. And they missed you.'~** She said it to both of us but only sent me the warning. They may be pack but they weren't family. She was human.

Beast wanted to go to his pack. I quieted him and reminded him they were coming to us.

"What? Where? ... What?" I heard Sango ask.

 **~"Can't you hear him?"~** Miroku was overwhelmed and confused.

 **~"They can't. It's a reiki connection. It's hard to explain. Now c'mon, don't you want to see him?"~** Rin intervened.

 **~'Yeah, get over here already. I'm tired of sitting in a bubble.'~** I sent to both. **~'Ask my mate when I can drop this fucking thing.'~** I sent to Rin.

**~'You're doing it again, calling Father mate.'~**

"Argh!" I was irritated with myself. Then a thought occurred to me. **~'He better... I mean... He...'~** I whimpered. **~'He does want me as a mate right? Not just a lay?'~** I didn't know why but I wanted, no, NEEDED him to think of me in that way. Even if I wasn't sure I trusted him, or even _wanted_ him as my mate.

 **~'Insecurity doesn't suit you.'~** Rin blocked all her emotions.

I was confused but still needed an answer. **~'Don't fuck with me Rin!'~**

 **~"What's wrong Inuyasha?"~** Miroku didn't have the hang of mental speaking. I could hear him in stereo.

Which meant Sesshomaru could hear my whimpering.

 **~"RIN!"~** 'Could this be any more embarrassing?'

**~'Relax. You have nothing to worry about. Drop the barrier and see for yourself. He's all worked up.'~**

"FINALLY!" Linking with Sesshomaru was a huge relief for both of us. We reveled in each other until Rin reminded us we weren't alone.

**~'You realize Miroku-sama is getting all your emotions too, right? I mean, I don't mind but...'~**

**~"Gah!"~**

**~'Eloquent as always little brother.'~** He was amused and embarrassed.

 **~"Ugh, how do you all deal with this?"~** Miroku was getting a headache and luckily it seemed he couldn't accurately process emotions- yet.

At least he wasn't grossed out if he could.

"Deal with what? What's going on? Where's Inuyasha? Why are you holding your head? What's that aura up ahead?"

 **~'Will someone tell Sango to shut the fuck up? I forgot how fucking loud she is.'~** I also didn't like hearing her worry and not being able to link with her.

**~"They're talking in my head. And I can feel all their emotions. And Inuyasha says to speak more quietly. His new senses are quite acute."~**

**~'Why does everyone feel the need to nice up my language? Hell, if I said it that way no one would believe it's me.'~**

Rin laughed out loud with Miroku. Sesshomaru laughed mentally just for Rin and I. I was proud I was able to distinguish who was talking to who. Or he just made it impossible to overlook. Both members of my family had much better control over the link than me.

"What? What's funny?" Sango sounded annoyed. Which was better than worried.

 **~"Our friend has a way with words."~** Miroku was purposefully pissing Sango off, and we all felt it.

"Indeed. He has increased Rin's vocabulary in unbecoming ways." **~/Pride./~**

 **~'Why are you proud of that?'~** I directed at my mate- brother- half brother 'FUCK!'.

 **~'It amuses him when I swear.'~** Rin was proud of that. And apparently she heard me.

**~'Aw, fuck. I'm never going to get the hang of this link and I'm the one who does it.'~**

**~'Control never has been your forte.'~** Rin and Sesshomaru said at the exact same time in the exact same tone. And they were both amused.

Miroku laughed aloud.

"What? What's funny?" Sango sounded exasperated.

**~'I can't tell her Sesshomaru-sama has a sense of humor. What if he hears me and he doesn't and that was just a coincidence?'~**

**~'It pleases this Sesshomaru that you are respectful even in your thoughts.'~**

I could see them clearly now. They were still a fair distance away. Sesshomaru was in front and he was straining to contain his mirth at Miroku's mortification. Rin had to stop walking she was laughing so hard.

I bounded up to them while laughing. "Glad I'm not the only one who can't work the link."

My friends were startled by my sudden appearance. Which was weird because I was actually moving rather slowly. **~'Kami, humans are slow.'~**

I felt no pain seeing them again. I didn't even feel pain thinking about Kagome or Kikyo. Guilt maybe. My emotions were different. What I felt before my heat and what I felt after was different. It was like I didn't have human emotions anymore. At least, not human emotional reactions. Somehow I was both more emotional and less emotional at the same time. 'So fucking weird.'

Watching them react to me was like watching what Kagome called slow motion. I had noticed that Miroku's responses through the link were a little off compared to my family's but this was...

 **~'Indeed.  You'll need to adjust while you're staying here. Here:'~** He showed me how he interacted with humans.

It was like setting a mode in my brain. Human mode. **~'Uncomfortable.'~**

 **~'You get used to it.'~** Rin was sympathetic. Her brain wasn't as fast as mine and mine, apparently, wasn't as fast as my mate's but we were so much faster than humans that it was painful.

**~'How the hell did I ever fight demons? How the hell do humans fight demons? And how was Miroku even hearing us through the link?'~**

Sango and Miroku were over their surprise and were adjusting to my new appearance.

 **~'Their brains are faster than they realize. It's their reaction and comprehension that's slow. You were naturally adjusting the link for him.'~** Rin elaborated.

**~'That makes no sense. How was he laughing in tune to the link?'~**

Both members of my family cocked their heads at that. **~'He wasn't.'~** They said simultaneously.

'Ha! They both picked up my head tilt.' **~'Then how...?'~**

Rin tried but couldn't enter my brain. **~'I don't know.'~**

They were both insanely curious.

 **~'Dai-yokai and I exist on a different level than humans and lesser yokai. So...?'~** Rin started rambling in her head.

Sesshomaru's thoughts turned inward as well. He was excited to have a new puzzle.

 **~'Wait! Level! That's it!'~** I saw it then, with Rin's help. My brain saw different... planes... for lack of a better term. Like floors of a skyscraper. I had access to each one but the access was more limited the further up I... saw. Sort of. The levels could merge and the level didn't necessarily indicate superiority. I briefly examined each one. I saw there were more but I couldn't comprehend them because I'd never met- been linked- entered brains... hm, there was different access based on that as well. I couldn't enter any fully because I was linked. There wasn't a hanyou plane though. There was a basic plateau outside of the... skyscraper. It allowed the common traits- no, that's not quite right. Common... abilities? Meh, to co-exist in harmony in my head and be sent out logically to the others. There was another plateau above the one we were currently in. I couldn't figure out how to get there though.

Something started pulling on me...

"Urgh." I blinked back to- out of my brain.

I was in Sesshomaru's arms and he was kneeling on the ground. Sango and Miroku were hovering above me. Scent told me that, among a large amount of other things that my brain kept track of but considered irrelevant.

"I TOLD you he was fine!" Rin.

'Hearing is back.'

"I was so worried!" Sango.

'Ah, THERE'S sight.' Blink. 'Sango and Miroku look SO much older!'

Then the links unlocked. **~"Urgh."~** 'Too much...'

 **~/Worry./~** Sesshomaru most, Miroku second and Rin only a trace.

 **~'You collapsed when I was helping you but then I was locked out. Then Father freaked. I TOLD them you were fine but...'~** Rin. **~'IDIOT!'~** Sesshomaru. I knew he didn't mean it. He was franticly searching me physically, mentally and my energies. **_~'Mate injured?'~_** Sesshomaru's beast, Fluffy. 'Well, guess that answers my question.' I didn't have the capacity to think on it further. "Are you ok? What happened?" Sango. **~"What happened? I saw something but..."~** Miroku. This all happened at the same time. I understood it all even though the others couldn't understand what the others communicated.

My brain was... expanded? 'Every time I think shit can't get stranger is does.' It was painfully easy to control everything now.

My face lit up. Fluffy called me mate! I mentally stopped myself from being too happy. At Rin I said: **~'Sorry. Thanks for the help. I don't understand all the details but I can explore later.'~**

To Sesshomaru: **~'I'm fine. I just figured out my brain. Sorta.'~**

Next, to Miroku: **~'Sorry I pulled you into that. I didn't mean to. Entering someone's brain is... instant headache.'~**

"I'm fine Sango. I'm just not used to my brain." 'That sounded strange.' I wanted to do this all at the same time so no member of my pack had to wait but I couldn't. There was some lag.

 **~"Unn!"~** Rin was in pain.

Sesshomaru and my attention flew to her. I could see what was wrong. She just looked at me and seeing everything the way she did... there was too much to process.

 **~"It's ok, she's just got a headache."~** Only Sesshomaru received: **~'Tenshi thing. Her brain is...'~** There was no word to describe it but he understood.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" Sango had snapped.

Sesshomau released me and I moved at human speed away from him. "Sorry."

She threw herself at me and sobbed until I was uncomfortably soaked. My nose adjusted quickly. It was still awkward for me to have physical contact and I did my best not to throw her off. I patted her back twice with one hand and waited.

_^'You can comfort her better than that.'^_

'Shaddup. Where have you been, anyway?'

_^'You were doing fine on your own until now. Comfort her and scent mark her.'^_

'I am NOT scent marking her.'

_^'But she's the alpha bitch-'^_

'Who is mated to my beta.'

_^'Scent mark him too.'^_

'Urgh.' Apparently I needed to teach beast about humans.

Once she was done she held me at arm's length and studied my face. I don't know what she saw but I watched her fist come up to hit my jaw.

I allowed it. She seemed like she needed it.

Contact. "Fuck! Sango! What the fuck?!" She had a strong right hook. I rubbed and stretched my jaw.

"Asshole!" She was crying again. "Do you have ANY idea how worried we were?! And you just run up to us laughing?!" She raised her hand to punch me again but I caught it.

My family, pack and I flinched at the memory of how I was when Rin found me.

Miroku caught the mental picture Rin had of Sesshomaru taking me to get cleaned up. It was brutal. I was entirely tight, sickly, dirty, bloody skin over bone. My face was contorted in pain even though I was unconscious and the circles under my eyes looked darker than a tanuki's markings. My stomach was distended from starvation. I didn't know if it looked worse because I was human or not. If I'd been hanyou my hair still would have been black with all the dirt and dried blood...

**~'She shouldn't have seen me like that.'~**

**~'I... I couldn't remove your hakama. Seeing your face was bad but your chest... I couldn't see anything else.'~** Sesshomaru felt so much pain and guilt that tears came to my eyes.

He only sent all that to me but my reaction leaked to Rin and Miroku. Combined with Rin's and Miroku's emotions at the memory they both started crying.

Everything was compounding as each person's sorrow fed the others'. I cut every emotional link.

Miroku pulled Sango to his chest and cried into her hair.

"What?" Sango tried to pull away but her husband couldn't let her go.

"It was bad Sango."

Rin tackled me into Sesshomaru and hugged us both. She wiped her eyes and composed herself quickly. **~'I was so happy that you lived. When I realized it was you I shoved as much reiki into you as fast as I could.'~** "I honestly thought you were dead when I found you."

I didn't tell her that my heart wasn't beating so I probably was. Lucky for _them_ my brain was still working.

 

 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly would add more smut to this chapter if it weren't 33 pages. Heh. ^_^;;
> 
> Poor Sango, she gets left out of all the fun. But, with a village to run and a million kidlets she has enough on her hands. I love her character. Sorry if she comes off negatively but there are Sooooo many emotions to manage. 
> 
> Lucky for us the next chapter is pretty much pure porn.


	4. Spring Rain and Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lemony goodness for 3/5ths of the chapter then the angst fairy strikes again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \----  
> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.  
> ____

Rin was no longer sad. She was acting like she was sad and she was projecting that she was sad to Miroku but she was actually hugging her parents.

'We aren't even mated. I've known her- interacted with her for, like, two months, most of it I was unconscious for. How could she possibly consider me a parent?'

_^'You were with her a lot in the village... and her father is our mate. She's our pup.'^_

I ignored that. Partly because I didn't want to think about it but mostly because I was distracted.

Because she was also being devious. At first she was just giving Sesshomaru an excuse to touch his family without ruining his reputation and comforting herself. Now however...

To Rin: **~'This is SO CREEPY and FUCKED UP!'~**

Her hand was wrapped around the half of my back that was not pressed against Sesshomaru's armor. The armor that I cursed with every fiber of my being because it prevented me from feeling the warmth of his strong, muscular, smooth, flawless chest.

'Damn it!' I cursed myself.

'But-'

I needed to be strong, to resist.

'But, he just smells so fucking good!'

I cut Miroku off. No one needed to be connected to him right now. Because our daughter was pulling my suikan out of my hakama and directing her father's hand under it.

 **~'Oh!'~** His long, thin, perfect fingers were stroking up my spine. They were feather light but like fire that didn't hurt when it burned, just consumed.

I bowed my head to hide under my bangs as those fingers finished their trek and moved over the rest of my back in undistinguishable patterns.

"Nnnn..." I hoped the humans and my pup couldn't hear the moan that came when he suddenly raked his claws down my spine. I arched my back involuntarily. He didn't draw blood but he wasn't gentle. I knew there'd be marks.

He brushed the pads of his fingers under my hakama. Then added the length of his fingers. Then his palm. The tie pulled uncomfortably in the front as his hand moved lower. And lower.

 **~'Rin.'~** Even in our heads Sesshomaru was breathless.

I had forgotten she was there. Hell, I'd forgotten she'd existed. All I could feel, smell, and sense was Sesshomaru. He was possibly more aroused than I was. It would have taken more effort than I was capable of to determine who was feeling what through the link. All I knew was that I would destroy my mate's armor and he wouldn't be allowed to wear any again, ever.

'No! Fuck.' I tried to reign myself in before I did something that I'd regret.

Sesshomaru's other arm wrapped around my back and pulled me into him.

'When did I end up facing him?' My forehead was in his chest plate and my hand was latched on to his pauldron.

Then that arm snuck under my kimono and his hand firmly stoked up my ribs.

My tie came undone and my hand moved from my tie to his neck. He pushed into my hand as it brushed his pulse on its path. The pressure against my hips loosened as my ass cheek was cupped and the hand returned to the small of my back.

This his finger brushed a spot I knew existed but wasn't aware would make me throw my head back and knees give out. "Ah!"

I felt his smirk as he cupped the other cheek to hold me until I pulled myself back up. "Sess..." I buried my nose into his collarbone and inhaled deeply.

I tried to remember how legs worked as he squeezed the other cheek.

When I finally started figuring it out his hand moved up and his finger once again stroked the patch of skin at the top of my crack even lighter than the first time.

I whimpered and arched my back into him. My hips thrust forward as I rose onto my toes. I threw my head to the side to expose my neck. I didn't care if I was submissive. I just wanted him to touch me more.

His hand moved up my back to rest just below my neck, pulling my kimono up as the other started pulling down my hakama.

"Sess..." I lifted myself up toward the warm breath I felt tickling my neck.

 **~/Powerful annoyance./~** Untangling hands.

I freed myself from him and moved back so fast I was disoriented.

I caught my hakama against my hip so they wouldn't fall further as I held my breath in my constricted chest and looked up.

The last strap of the accursed armor came undone and it fell loudly and unchecked to the grass. Hungry golden eyes came to rest at what little of me was exposed.

I lost myself in a wave of powerful lust and was pulled into his head. I saw how my hakama were hanging at an angle by fingertips. The top of my red kimono was bunched up around the same wrist leaving an expanse of golden skin from just below my belly button to the top of a (not quite so) hidden erection. The tip of my hip bone and too much yet not enough below it. The trail of silky white hair leading down from my belly button was the last thing I comprehended before he ejected my consciousness and pounced.

My breath was forced from my lungs and parted lips as my back hit earth. One hand fisted in my hair at the base of my skull forcing my head back and cushioning at the same time. The other appeared at my side. The thumb pressing the hollow below the exposed hip bone and fingers as tight as they could be without claws puncturing the skin.

A rumbling growl came from on top of me as lips connected with the skin under my jaw. I rolled unseeing eyes up as pleasure shot through me. Pain made pleasure as I both willingly and was forced to expose more of my neck as fisted hair pulled fiercer. My claws dug into damp dirt as my arms helped my back arch held only in check by the pressure on the hip. A knee forced my cooperative legs apart and stroked rough fabric against the insides of my overly sensitive thighs.

I turned my head the fraction I could begging for more in the only way I could until the ragged breath I drew in finally filled my lungs.

Lips parted and a tongue dragged down to my pulse where lips closed, fangs brushed and suction started.

My hips were released and my legs flew around my mate trying to get my aching groin as close to the object of my desire as possible. My hair was released and I twisted my head to submit and expose myself to my seme.

"Sess-" lick "-hou-" suck "-mar-" bruising bite "-U!"

Arms strained against the hand trapping them above my head. (When did...?) The other sliding slowly up my side with pressure that neither tickled nor satisfied. His body angled back and my fire rat clad legs slipped down demon silk brushing my erection down his forcing us to both buck into each other. And my neck to be freed with a gasp from him.

Pressure on my chest as the tortuous hand came to a rest and a thumb stoked my nipple. "Sess!" My head thrashed and I bucked again but my legs were slipping. I struggled to get a hold that could bring any friction. The thumb brushed more lightly but I was more sensitive and my trapped cock throbbed against the fabric that was too rough.

I whined pitifully as my legs failed to find purchase. When I slipped once more I twisted my head violently to expose my neck and strained to arch into the most submissive position I could.

When fingers pinched the bud expecting another light brush I threw myself violently against my captor. My legs fell and I arched painfully. "Sess, please!"

Fingers pinched tighter and pulled while moist lips brushed lightly against the corner of my jaw.

I made the most pathetic pleading whimper as my legs flew apart.

"Please, what In-" my nipple was released "-u-" the hand brushed back down my side "-yash-" and fingers slid along the dip to rest on my thigh painfully close but much too far away "-a?"

I rolled as far as I could to try to get those fingers where I wanted them but they just started rubbing small circles- coming no closer.

Each twist and buck caused the circling fingers to retreat further.

Words failed me so I fell back and went limp. Ears flattening against the head leaning against my trapped arm the other side of my neck exposed. My eyes were closed against the moisture my torture and desperation wrought.

When both hands left my body I didn't move but a whimper escaped without my permission. I realized he had blocked the link and I had blocked my end long ago. I unblocked.

Fingers held my chin and as he turned my head I opened my eyes.

His mask was gone. Maroon lids were soft against glowing golden eyes. White strands pooled over his shoulders and fell around my face. Jagged stripes slowly smoothed and lips twitched.

The link opened and I felt what I saw. He loved me. He was sorry.

My lips twitched as I forgave him.

He cupped my cheek and lowered his lips to mine. Just a light brush before pulling back. Tender, sweet.

'Fuck no.' That was NOT what I wanted.

I blocked the link. Before he could regain his balance- mental or physical- I threw my weight to roll him onto his back.

While he was surprised I straddled his hips. "Fuck!" His erection throbbed against the sudden contact and I involuntarily leaned back and let him grind against me.

His knees rose and I wrapped my hands around the backs of his thighs, pulling his legs up so I could rest against them. Angling so he was brushing my ass and balls in the most pleasing way. Claws poked through to my skin as he forced my hips to move against each thrust.

Much too soon my lack of undergarments and the rough nature of fire rat made itself known. I leaned forward and pulled away; intent on getting a real kiss.

He growled and flexed his claws in warning.

I opened the link and he understood.

He used the left hand to push himself up and the right cupped my face.

I wrapped one arm around his back and helped pull him up while I moved onto my knees. My right hand cupped his face and I used my thumb to stroke a still semi-jagged stripe.

He leaned into my hand and I could feel how much he loved the contact. He brushed his cheek into my hand twice more before turning and kissing my palm.

'How is this the same guy who turned his back on me when I was a kid?'

I ran my index finger over his lips.

His eyes darkened and he held my gaze as he licked the digit. The grip on my face tightened telling me to watch.

I froze.

He took it into his mouth and sucked. Liquid gold communicating as he lowered to slowly take the whole finger into his mouth.

When he ran his tongue up the captured digit and tilted his head up I lost it.

"Fuck, Sesshoumaru..." I raised myself so he had to tilt his head all the way back to see my face. The arm I had around his back snaked up until my hand gripped his shoulder and forced his back to arch. I ripped my hand from his mouth, grabbed a fistful of hair and yanked.

His hips bucked, eyes closed, mouth opened and groaned. The arm that was supporting him slid backward and I had to support his torso. It contorted his spine further.

It left him at my mercy.

It was fucking hot.

I left the link open so I could learn exactly what he liked and how far I could push him. And I WOULD push him.

Beast, who had been quiet up until now, decided he'd help. My new understanding of my brain allowed us to work together efficiently. _^'He will be our mate. And he will enjoy it.'^_

I growled in agreement.

Sesshoumaru enjoyed the sound. A lot.

**_~^'Good bitch.'^~_ **

Sesshoumaru did not enjoy being called a bitch. He growled and tried to take control.

We were having none of that.

I released his shoulder and hair and grabbed the wrist of the arm supporting him and contorted it so his forearm rested along his spine. Wrist pinned between his shoulder blades the other arm joined it so I had them both in one hand.

He smirked. He thought he could free himself.

'Foolish.'

Beast bound his wrists together with reiki and bound it to his hair. Forcing his hands to stay up between his shoulder blades and him to expose his neck or pull his hair. We worked together to adjust the strength of the rope/barrier so it was a pleasurable tingle unless he fought. The harder he fought the worse the sting.

He forced the binding as soon as I moved my hands with more strength than I'd anticipated. When it burned him he threw his torso back and thrust forward with such force that he nearly unseated me. "Urrrrurgh-AH!"

I was alarmed until I read the link. "Kinky bastard." I smirked. He liked pain.

He panted as he came down from the wave of pleasure but refused to expose his neck to me. He liked this game.

While beast forced his ankles toward his hips and bound him I removed his kimono... as best I could.

"Kami-sama!" The moonlight (when did the sun set?) bleached his already pale body to pure white. 'He may be lanky but he is still built! Hairless, but who cares? Less things to get in my mouth while I'm licking him.'

He realized his legs were bound but didn't test the binding... much.

When he glared half-heartedly at me (for him anyway) I smirked so my fangs showed. I told him without words through the link that I would free him when he submitted.

He refused. But also looked forward to what else I was going to come up with.

I released a quick burst of yokai to check the area for threats before I took off my kimono. Then my hakama. Slowly. Normally I'd feel embarrassed but after being in his head I knew he found me attractive.

He enjoyed the show. Immensely.

I straddled him and lowered my hips to his. 'Silk feels fantastic!' I gyrated against his erection.

He growled when he realized he couldn't thrust with his ankles bound to his thighs and his back already arched due to his arms.

I made a deep slow grind and he forced his chin down, eyes shut with brow furrowed and ground his teeth, determined not to submit. I could feel how desperately he wanted to through the link and I knew I'd win.

I removed myself and his eyes flew open to find me. Then they widened.

I sat on my knees, legs spread, in precisely the right spot.

I flexed my- myself as slowly as I could. His eyes followed the movement. When he licked his lips it twitched on its own.

His eyes flicked to mine. We wanted the same thing.

He hadn't submitted but I ceased to care. Beast released the bindings and Sesshoumaru shredded his kimono as he flew to me.

He clasped the sides of my face and bruised our lips in his ferocity. I was a little annoyed he chose my mouth for his lips but didn't complain. My arms wrapped around his neck and pulled us together. Absently I noticed that he was on his knees and kept his head above mine as I came up to my knees.

Making sure I knew he was dominant.

**~'Bastard.'~**

He mentally chuckled.

Before I could retaliate he sucked my lower lip into his mouth and ran his tongue across it. I moaned and he took advantage.

 **~'Oh kami-sama!'~** His tongue slid over mine and I almost failed to notice that we thought: **~'He tastes so good!'~** at the same time. I needed more.

He tasted like... rain and flowers. I mapped every corner of his mouth while he did the same. It was like being in a sudden downpour at night in the spring. The kind where you can't see a centimeter in front of you but you can still smell all the flowers in the field. It was wonderful and I reveled in it.

He pulled back to attack my jaw and neck.

I panted and moved into each contact, shivering every time fangs traced a sensitive spot. My skin was overheated and I was freezing.

He yanked me to him and I obediently wrapped my legs around his waist. He was radiating power and heat. Our skin sparked as my reiki raised to the threat. His silk hakama were cold against my skin but allowed the energy to fight creating a sensation I couldn't describe. Mostly because my attention was focused on stroking his dick with mine.

The hand holding my ass and the arm wrapped around my back tightened as he drew a haggard breath.

I kept my hips working and freed some attention to focus on his neck. His skin was smoother than mine. Stronger too. But, it was also very sensitive. Kisses became licks. His skin tasted like thunderstorms. The cleanliness of rain combined with his raw power clashing against mine. The lack of salt was strange but I reconciled it when I realized he didn't sweat. 'Is that a canine thing? All the yokai I know are canines and none of them sweat. Or is it a yokai thing?'

He twitched when I found a good spot under the corner of his jaw. He inclined his head to expose more to me and I rewarded his submissiveness with the brush of fangs. Beast reminded me he liked it rough and I sucked hard enough to bruise the skin. He gasped and twisted his head as far as he could. I smirked and nipped all the way to his ear leaving another bruise just under the lobe.

He groaned and returned his mouth to mine.

This kiss wasn't crushing nor was it innocent. The hand on my back moved to cup the back of my head and he lowered me gently to the ground. The hand holding my ass going to the grass to support his weight. He moved his lips with mine and conveyed pure love.

I stopped thrusting and cupped his face, stoking his cheek stripes with my thumbs.

He pulled up and looked into my eyes. The love he felt for me was sent full force through the link. It was deep and all consuming.

I shied away from it and looked away suddenly feeling very exposed. I moved my hands to his chest and pushed gently.

He flinched and was overwhelmed by rejection.

 _^'He won't hurt us.'^_ Beast comforted me.

I wished I could believe him.

Sesshoumaru's hand moved from behind my head to cup my face and stroke my cheekbone. "Inuyasha." He whispered.

I allowed him to turn my head but closed my eyes before meeting his. **~'I can't.'~** I told them both.

He placed a chaste kiss on my lips and my brow furrowed.

"Inuyasha." He pleaded.

I could see my face through his eyes. I could feel how much he hurt. How much guilt he felt over the past. How sorry he was. The need for me to forgive and accept him was powerful.

'He loves me. He truly loves me.'

I could feel it. I could feel how he would never hurt me and would spend the rest of our lives serving me if that's what I wanted. He would do anything for me. I was his world.

I wanted to believe. I wanted to dive in and become his other half, his mate. I felt like I needed to. Like I would die without it. 'It never felt this way with Kagome.'

_^'Then do it!'^_

But I couldn't.

I severed our link and surrounded myself with reiki.

He was thrown back with the force of my shield. When he landed he threw himself against it, beating it with his fists and ignoring the burns he was receiving. "Inuyasha, please..." His voice broke. "Please!"

_^'NO! What are you DOING?!'^_

It was too sudden, too good to be true. Everything in my life that was ever remotely good went to shit, the better it was the shittier it became, and this would be the best thing ever.

I had to distance myself. I had to push him away. I would live in the village with Miroku and his family until they died. Then I'd protect the village and their progeny from a distance. Maybe I'd find some other great evil to overcome or just leave. There was the whole world to explore after all. Make some friends, move along before I got to close to anyone. Visit Rin every once in a while. I could survive that way.

After all, there was no reason. No explanation as to why, all of a sudden, he didn't hate me. That he accepted me. That he felt the way he did.

If he changed that suddenly he could change back just as fast.

And that I wouldn't survive.

 

 

 

 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gods, Inuyasha, you're a pain in the ass. *Sigh. Pinches bridge of nose.* You too Sesshomaru. Maybe even more so. Rin's gonna be so pissed.
> 
> Stupid angst fairy is a real cold-hearted bitch.


	5. Black Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter makes me laugh. It is also apt. Even if it is only a mental, emotional and angsty crash and burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

Decision made I stood up and brushed myself off.

"Inuyasha, stop. Now." He commanded.

'Ah, the commanding, dominant, do as I say or I'll kill you tone. I knew I'd hear it again.' My face twisted as I looked to the sky. 'I knew it was too good to be true.'

 _^'Stop! Go to him! We need him! He's our mate!'^_ I chained beast so tightly he couldn't talk and buried him.

I sniffed out my suikan and hakama and gathered them at human speed. After all, the humans would long be asleep now.

"Inuyasha!" He radiated anger and power. "You WILL listen to me."

I looked at his face as I finished adjusting. His mask was back. Cool and deadly. Demanding respect. Demanding obedience.

My sword pulsed, wordlessly telling me where it was. It seemed to know I was looking for it. I ignored my brother- half brother and tucked it at my side.

The bastard's power spiked when my back was turned and I heard him draw his sword. "Inuyasha." A warning.

That cinched it. I modulated my power carefully and turned my head my face a mask of cold indifference. "Didn't you have somewhere you needed to be?"

I expected him to attack.

He did not.

His power retreated and bakusaiga fell to the ground. He looked at me, pleading. "I..."

I could see the fight. He wanted to be with me. He was needed at his home. His eyes flicked from mine to the west as his mind worked. When his shoulders fell I knew the answer.

I sniffed. We were somewhere I'd never been before and I didn't know how I got here (I was pretty distracted) but I knew where the village was. "Don't worry, I'll take care of Rin." I waved my hand dismissively and traveled in my thickest reiki barrier. I didn't look back.

\----

Rin was in a single room hut on the rear edge of the village. It was out of place. Midoriko's cave was much too close and only storage buildings were nearby. I wondered what, or who, it was built for.

None of the guards or villagers who were awake sensed me as I descended to the hut's roof. 'They need more training. Just because it's a reiki signature doesn't mean it's safe.'

Rin didn't reach out to me so I guessed she was asleep. I couldn't hear her breathing or heart rate over her fire to be sure. If she was I didn't want to bother her. If she wasn't I didn't want to talk to her. I pulled my energy as close to myself as possible and sat with my head in my hands.

Beast was being a pain. He was upset about abandoning our mate.

I decided to remind him of just a few of the things that had happened to us because of him. I ran through the more... memorable, disturbing... fucked up ones for him. A lot of them included this supposed mate.

As much as I didn't want to I could still sense when Sesshomaru left for the west. It took him much longer than it should have. He was where I left him for hours. I refused to allow myself to think about why.

\-----

The few tears that escaped were gone when the sun started to rise and I decided it would be best to remain inconspicuous. If I was wanted dead it wouldn't be wise for people to know I was alive. No matter how much enjoyment I'd get from killing each one who came.

Rin smiled when I entered the hut. "Good morning!"

"Hey, runt. Were you up all night?" I didn't know how good of an actor I was but I gave it my best. My voice was the perfect blend of greeting and parental disapproval. At least to my ears.

She just smiled in a way that reminded me that she didn't need as much sleep as humans.

'Damn it.' She knew I was upset. Trying to hide anything from her was moronic. The fact that she didn't reach out to link with me didn't go unnoticed.

I sighed.

"I helped Miroku-sama get these clothes for you and Shippo-kun left this charm the last time he was here." She pointed out the items.

I didn't want to change here. I needed a bath badly; if only to remove my half-brother's scent. I also didn't want to be seen. Touching the clothes would leave his scent on them but I didn't see how I could avoid that.

"There's a bucket of water here. I got it out of the barrel in case I got thirsty during the night."

It was difficult to decide if her ability to know what was in my head was good or bad at this point. 'She has to know everything that happened. She would be able to see it. Is she not linking because she's mad at me?' My chest hurt at the thought. 'What was I expecting? She's HIS daughter, not mine.'

"Rin? Can you go somewhere while I change?" A good excuse to get away from her since I couldn't leave yet.

When she didn't respond I turned to look. She was already gone.

My shoulders slumped and my ears fell. There was no one around to act for. And my chest hurt.

Fresh sprigs of mint were next to the bucket. A mixed blessing. The water alone wouldn't totally remove Sesshomaru's scent but I hated the smell of mint. Rin knew both these things.

I barked a strangled laugh as my eyes filled with tears.

\-----

The new clothes fit well. They were a dark blue that were cut just like my fire-rat but were human made. Meaning I had to wear under-clothing because I couldn't repair them with a burst yokai or sit back and wait for them to repair themselves. After going without for so long I did not like having to go with.

I was wary of the charm Shippo made and powerful aura it projected (it wouldn't be unlike him to play some trick on me so I ended up with pink hair for the next year- again) so I decided to try something. I slipped into the tenshi plane of my brain and opened my eyes. I saw everything about everything but I didn't understand it instantly like she did. It was all there but I had to focus on it to read it.

The charm would make me look like a human. But not like me on a human night. It would change my hair color brown, my eyes brown, and place an illusion over my markings, claws, fangs and ears. It would also look like I was wearing sandals. He thought of everything. Including my yokai. It would appear to be reiki. He wasn't able to match the signature but the fact that it would change was amazing.

It was excellent. He clearly made it with me in mind and put a lot of work into it. I was proud of him. And a little sad. I checked when it was made.

It was made two years ago.

'Probably before I... Before Kagome... He must have been so excited on the way back to show us... And then he must have waited for me to return. Or did he blame me for the whole thing? Does he hate me?'

Suddenly I couldn't breathe.

'Too much.'

My hands went to my chest then head as I struggled not only for breath but not to cry. My chest tightened and I fell to my knees. It was too much. 'I thought I was over it. That I could see them again. That I could be with my pack. That I had a family...'

The tears escaped.

'My pack thought I was dead. I was gone for so long... I can't even rightfully call them pack anymore. They're just friends. Friends that will probably want to talk about Kagome, where I was, what happened...' I didn't want to talk. About any of it.

Suddenly the walls were too close. The smell of humans was overwhelming. I wanted to scream but that would bring people and I didn't want anyone to see me this way.

'What was I _thinking?!_ That I could come back and everyone would be happy? That _I_ would be happy? I don't get to be happy! I get to watch everyone I care about grow old and die! Except...

'NO! Don't think about them!'

_^'Who? Your family? Your mate and your pup?'^_

"SHUT UP!!" 'He is NOT my mate! We can't trust him!'

I needed to leave. I couldn't be here. I couldn't do this. I didn't care if anyone saw me, I couldn't touch the fucking charm. I stood up and ran for the door as fast as I could.

And right into a body.

"FUCK!!!" The force of the hit knocked me onto the floor. I couldn't see who I ran into because they were outside the stupid screen. I could smell who it was though.

"Owwww..." Rin.

I did NOT want do see her.

_^'Blood! Pup hurt!'^_

I noticed he left out the word our. Maybe he understood that we weren't family. Not anymore.

Beast growled. _^'I don't like it. But, I was listening to you last night while you were on the roof. I still think he's our mate but we can't perform the bond properly while you don't trust him. So I'm not going to force you. You'll see, in time.'^_

I had no idea how mating bonds were forged. Clearly there was more to it than human weddings.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow..."  Was being chanted from outside.

'Kami-sama! Fuck! Damn it!' I couldn't leave while Rin was hurt. I couldn't leave her unprotected either. If anything happened to her I would never forgive myself and she was strong spiritually and mentally but physically she was like a human. I was stuck here until... "FUCK!!" I slammed the back of my head against the floor, repeatedly. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...'

I could hear Rin, smell Rin and sense Rin's reiki but she wasn't using it to heal herself. In fact, it felt like she was preventing it from doing so on its own. 'What?' I reached out to link with her.

When she accepted I could feel her pain. She had a broken arm. A bad broken arm. 'SHIT!' I was on my feet when she... spoke, thought or whatever to me.

 **~'Do NOT come out here without your charm!'~** She was in so much pain it took her all her effort just to think that coherently.

I froze. I didn't want to touch let alone put on the fucking thing. **~'What? Why?! You're hurt? And why the fuck aren't you healing yourself?!'~**

"Oh, kami-sama! Rin-sama, are you ok?" Sango clearly hadn't noticed Rin's arm.

 **~'There are a TON of people out here...'~** "Y-yes. It's just..."

 **~'SO?!'~** I mentally screamed. I wanted to go to her because she was mine and she was in pain. But, I hesitated because she could fix it easily. Even if she couldn't she could still block the pain. 'Why the hell isn't she?!'

_^'Too much blood! Something wrong! Go to pup!'^_

**~'NORMAL people can't heal themselves!'~** Rin sounded exasperated. But she wasn't in pain anymore. She was blocking that now.

"RIN-SAMA! Oh, your arm! Miroku, someone- HELP!" Sango was panicking.

 **~'So what?! They think you're a MIKO!'~** I ground my teeth and clenched my fists so hard my nails pierced my hands. Keeping myself from going to her was getting more and more difficult.

**~'I know! That's what I'm saying! MIKO can't heal!'~**

'Wait... What?' That made no sense. I could heal... **~'What?'~**

"Hold on Rin-sama. Help's coming!"

**~'Why do you think Keade-sama and all the others collect herbs and stuff?'~**

Blood dripped onto the floor but it didn't stop me from smelling the huge collection of ningen collecting outside the hut. **~'I just thought they weren't powerful enough.'~**

"Oh, Rin-sama. It's so bad!"

"Here, use this to brace it."

"No, use this."

"Don't use that!"

"Oh, kami!"

"I think I'm going to be sick!"

I tried to ignore the comments but each one stabbed. She was my pup and she was hurt. 'No, not MY pup. Eventually Sesshomaru would turn on me. Even if we mated. No one could get over that much hatred.'

Beast sighed. But it was a sigh of resignation.

Like he agreed with me.

There was no argument from him. He knew how Sesshomaru had always treated me.

 _^'No-'^_ He started to disagree.

"COOL! I can see bone!"

That snapped what little control I had. I grabbed the fucking charm and ran out the door. I, none too gently, shoved people out of the way. Rin was covered in blood and crying. She was holding her arm awkwardly and half the bone was poking out. **~"RIN!"~**

**~'I'll be fine! Stop growling! You're freaking everyone out!'~**

I didn't realize I was growling. **~'Rin, heal yourself! You're going to bleed out!'~**

**~'Relax, I'll be fine.'~**

I could see how much blood was on her and how much was in her and I didn't like the ratio. **~'I can SEE that you're lying!'~**

"Back off everyone. Get back!" Sango was leading some miko and Miroku to Rin.

**~'No, they'll bandage me and I'll stop the bleeding. You're growling again...'~**

'Damn, need to stop doing that.' **~'Sorry, I don't like miko.'~** 'And none of them are getting near my pup.' I tried to link with Miroku to prevent a scene but I couldn't.

"Hey, you there! Give Rin-sama some space." Sango didn't recognize me.

'I need to link to Miroku so I can tell them who I am. But...' I looked to see if there was something different about him that was preventing the link but I couldn't tell. I'd never seen him in this... mode, before. 'Oh, duh!' I dropped out of tenshi mode and into my normal brain space. When I sent Miroku the link it connected immediately. **~'Oi! The brown haired guy is me. And keep those fuckers away from my Rin.'~**

 **~"What the...?"~** Miroku looked around him.

I face-palmed.

Rin took pity on me. "Miroku-sama, I'm fine enough. Can you just get me some bandages and houshi-sama will bandage me in my hut? I don't want a fuss..."

"When did we get a new monk? Where did you come from?" Unfortunately, Sango had become an idiot while I was away.

 **~'Asshole, shut up your idiot wife before she blows my cover! I'm Inuyasha, I'm using that fucking charm Shippo made me.'~** "I got here the other day..." 'Ugh, trying not to be rude is a pain in the ass.'

"Oh, that's right! We met you, you're traveling with Rin-sama." Miroku elbowed his wife and whispered in her ear.

Her mouth made a little o and she cocked her head at me.

My chest tightened. "Nn." The action reminded me of how my family started doing that to mimic me. 'Not family. Not anymore...' I shook my head to dislodge the painful train of thought.

Rin turned her head at me too, unknowingly causing me more pain. She could feel my pain but couldn't understand it. **~'What's wrong?'~**

I was not answering that. **~'Nothing.'~** I moved over to the approaching group before they could get to close to my pup. 'No, not mine...' Pain. "Ugh." I shook my head again. 'I really need to get these thoughts out of my head...' Sigh.

_^'Focus!'^_

'Oh, right.' "Here, I'll take care of her." I, rudely, took the supplies from the miko. One was going to argue but between my narrowed eyes and Miroku's comforting hand and head nod she acquiesced. I walked over to Rin, my hands full of supplies, and realized my problem. **~'Shit. Miroku, I can't pick her up and act human...'~**

"Let me help you get her into your hut... Sango, dear?" Miroku looked at her pointedly and moved to Rin's side.

She caught on quickly. "Alright everyone! Clear off! Go back to your work!" She took the supplies from me and walked into the hut.

I picked Rin up gently and Miroku pretended to help.

When we got inside the hut Rin ordered us around. "Don't put me on the futon, I don't want to get it bloody. Get some water on the fire. Use those strips as rags..."

I rolled my eyes at her while sitting in the corner. I knew why she didn't heal herself, I just didn't like it. I also thought she should send those two away and have me wrap it for show. I didn't voice either opinion.

When the couple was occupied following her commands she stuck her tongue out at me.

"I'm impressed Rin-sama. I thought you'd be in so much pain you wouldn't be able to talk but you're totally coherent." Sango chose the wrong moment to be observant.

 **~'Can normal miko block pain?'~** I asked just her when I felt her panic.

**~'No.'~**

**~'Idiot.'~** I turned my head to look out the window. "I'm blocking her pain. I can heal her too but she won't let me."

"Wow! Really? That's so cool! Why won't you she let you heal her?" Sango's voice was a little too excited. And high-pitched.

I shrugged. Miroku felt pensive through the link but it seemed he had figured out how to block his private thoughts. I wasn't going to pry to find out what he was thinking.

"Because I didn't want to blow his cover. People will come from all over to get a chance to meet him if they find out he can work miracles and we don't even have a name for him." She winced as they accidently tweaked her bones. There was too much pain to be blocked.

I sighed. "Move." I shoved them out of the way, kicked Miroku out of my head and moved back into tenshi mode. It was not helpful. I couldn't see the bones when they were in the arm so I couldn't see if they were in the right place. 'Well, that explains how she couldn't tell her food was cooked through.' There were more limitations to this... sight, than I had originally thought. I moved my brain back into... default, where I had sharper senses and used my reiki to heal the bone. I sensed Sesshomaru's yokai react to my reiki. 'But, that's impossible! She doesn't have his yokai...' I noticed she was wearing mokomoko. **~'You can heal whatever else you want.'~** I told her as I jumped away from it.

 **~'She doesn't recognize you. Your yokai is hidden.'~** Rin moved her arm around to made sure it was healed correctly. And, judging from her emotions, to show off.

"That is soooo coooooo!" Sango started prodding Rin's arm. "But, why didn't you heal the skin?"

 **~'She?'~** I shrugged at Sango. I couldn't think of any excuse that made sense.

**~'Yes, mokomoko is female.'~**

Miroku slammed his fist into his hand. "We should call you Yoshi."

I choked, because of both statements. **~'How is it female?'~** "Why would you call me good luck? I caused this! Based on my history I am the opposite of good luck. I am the epitome of bad luck."

"I know!" He laughed. "And Rin-sama's name means severe, cold, dignified! It's perfect!"

Sango started laughing too.

I snorted angrily and glared at them.

Rin did too. **~'It just is. I can't explain it. It's not like mokomoko reproduce, it's just like it... is.'~** "It's not funny! Now, someone bandage me."

Miroku and Sango did as asked, but giggled occasionally.

**~'Where did mokomoko come from anyway?'~**

**~'I don't know. I know grandpa had a two-tailed one and that when father needs more storage mokomoko will grow another. It's like it's a part of him. He said it was his in a way that seemed possessive and he said another's wouldn't work for him. I don't know if inu-yokai farm them, create them or just find them.'~** "Not so tight. No one will notice it's not real."

"Gomen."

 **~'Are they all female?'~** This was interesting. I wondered if I could get one if I needed one.

 **~'I don't know that either. I don't think so though. It's...'~** "Eep!" Rin's eyes went comically wide and I could feel her embarrassment.

 **~'What?'~** I was curious as to how that could possibly be embarrassing.

 **~'Nothing!'~** She... thought, a little too quickly.

"Sorry, did that hurt?" Sango looked worried.

 **~'What?'~** I pressed.

"No, I was just thinking..." Her face was as red as the blood in mokomoko. "Who's watching the kids?"

**~'Seriously, is it that bad?'~**

"Uh..." Both parents looked at each other.

I was torn, I wanted to know something embarrassing about my dick (ugh, wrong word choice) of an older brother but I also didn't want to think of him. The more I dithered the more depressed I became. I decided thinking about him wasn't worth the possible humor. 'And, if it is really funny, I will think of it often and thinking about him...' Sigh. I looked back out the window, resigned and thoroughly depressed.

"I'll go honey. You're better at bandaging and she still has that cut." Miroku exited quickly.

Rin sensed my mood. Unfortunately, she misunderstood it. **~'Fine. It's female because it suits him. His yokai is feminine.'~**

"WHAT?!" I yelled so loudly every jumped.

They looked at me like I was crazy.

Then I fell over laughing.

"It's NOT funny **!" ~'Do you have any idea how much shit he gets because of it?! I mean, he kinda looks like a girl, has more feminine markings, has never... ah, taken anyone to- I mean, he's tried but... Shit! Forget that!! Has refused all mate requests and is supposed to be alpha of the entire clan! The leader of the entire west!'~**

"Y-y-you mean..." Laughing. "He's a..." More laughing. "A..." **~'VIRGIN?'~** I was laughing too hard to get the word out. Then I realized what she (didn't) say more fully. I made a very girly shriek as tears rolled down my face. "OH!" Laughter. "Oh, KAMI!" The laughter was starting to hurt but I HAD to verify...

 **~"Don't..."~** Rin was mortified. She seemed to know what was coming.

"He..." Laughter. "H-He..." More laughter. **~'He couldn't... (what's a nice way to put it?) _perform_ the mating ritual?'~** I stopped laughing enough to gauge her reaction.

 **~'I don't know what you're on about.'~** Rin turned her back to me and turned off the emotional part of the link but I could feel the heat of her blush.

"I mean, he couldn't..." I remembered Sango was there and although I was being an asshole I didn't want to embarrass Sesshomaru if I was right, and I was pretty sure I was. 'I'm not going to think about why.' **~'Couldn't get it up?'~** I pictured him, on a futon, with a faceless demoness below him apologizing and I DIED.

**~'...'~**

I felt the disapproval so I modified the image. Him, on a futon, a faceless demoness straddling him, and him ignoring her and reading. Swatting her hands when she tried to strip him. Which made me shriek again. **~'I honestly think I'm going to die!'~**

 **~/Fury./~** Rin growled so loudly I heard her over my choking laughs. "It was more like this:" She pictured him, humiliated, finding no interest in any male or female partners brought for his pleasure for his first heat and berating them so they wouldn't discover his problem. Killing the first one after a lot of trying and her mocking and laughter. Cultivating his cold personality and killing ruthlessly to hold onto his dignity and his rule. Turning down all mating requests, no matter how beneficial, and ignoring the threats that came along with them, including waging a brutal war against a former ally. Leaving during his second heat to avoid the entire situation. Finding... "Eeep!" She cut the visual there.

I caught something. A flash of red. I couldn't tell what it was but there was no way in hell I was going to pry. I felt very much ashamed. Then, confused. 'He didn't have that problem with me...' I remembered how great he felt underneath me, rubbing... I whined when I realized that I would never feel that again. 'DON'T think about that!' Tears of sadness threatened.

I was concentrating so hard on not thinking about last night that I couldn't focus on anything that would distract me. Memories started flashing. Hair pulling. Twisting hands behind a back. Arched backs. The taste of spring rain and flowers-

 **~"NO!"~** My body curled into a fetal position. I started taking deep breaths to try to calm down.

"I'm... going... I'm going to go..." Sango sounded scared.

I didn't care.

"See you for dinner Sango-sama!" Rin pried to find out what was wrong with me.

I allowed her into my brain and created a little black box for my consciousness to sit in so I didn't have to see, think about, or relive anything she wanted to know.

\-----

The box was effective. The only problem was: it was effective. I couldn't tell when she was done or how much time was passing or ANYTHING and I couldn't access beast to ask him. 'There's no way in hell I'm going out to check. Who knows what I'll... see.' So I waited.

And waited.

'I'm bored.' I couldn't access memories. I knew I had them, I knew about them, but I couldn't get them. I could remember general things... but everything I could dredge up I didn't want to think about. Everything was unresolved questions, feelings, reactions... everything... regarding Sesshomaru. I knew who Rin was but I couldn't ponder anything about her. I knew I felt she was my pup and that I didn't want to feel that way (because of, guess who? yep, Sesshomaru) and that she was a tenshi- or at least (Sesshomaru) thought she was and she agreed. I didn't know if I agreed but the fact that I didn't think it was a fact that she was kinda implied that I didn't. Whatever she was she wasn't ningen. 'And... that's it.' There was nothing else. I knew I had a pack. I didn't know who was in that pack. Only that I didn't feel terribly beholden to them. No, I only felt that way to my family. There was someone else too. Someone important. Split in two...

I sighed.

'Hey, if I created the box, I should be able to modify the box.' I tried to bring the element of time into the box.

I could not.

It seemed that because I currently had no concept of time I couldn't... whatever you would call it (create?) it. If I left the box I could grab it and bring it into the box. But I wasn't willing to do that. 'Something to remember for next time I guess.'

...

'Kami-sama, could I be any more bored?'

...

'Sesshomaru would... No!' I smacked myself, mentally. 'Or maybe physically. I don't know if I have control over my body...' It didn't hurt so much to think about him here. Maybe because I didn't have lungs or a chest to feel tight when I thought of him. Only the mental pain. Oddly enough, my heart still hurt. 'But, I can't feel my heart. Sooooo...' I tried to figure that one out and couldn't. 'I wish Kagome had psychology books from her time here because I seriously think I'm crazy.' I didn't have any major mental illnesses. 'At least from the yokai point of view. I would if I were human. Because of beast.'

'Ah, Kagome. That was the one.' Pain blossomed-ripped through me at the thought of her too.

'Well, I had depression. Even if I didn't rip my heart out of my chest I was suicidal and that's not normal- even for a yokai. Unless the yokai loses their true mate. But, it's not really suicide... The spiritual pain of missing the other half of your soul would kill you anyway. Even without the emotional pain and physical pain. You just wither away in misery if you don't die instantly. Unable to eat, unable to sleep, unable to sense anything other than blinding pain and the guilt that comes from not keeping your mate safe compounded exponentially due to the nature of true mates...'

Sigh.

Even though Kagome and I hadn't actually performed the mating ritual I had acted like she was my mate when she died. 'Well, a loved mate. Even if I didn't love her like a loved mate.' Actually, I went overboard for even that. 'Probably my stupid human side.' That seemed likely. 'I mean, it's not like I was attracted to her or anything. I mean, she was hot and all but...' Huh. 'I wasn't attracted to her. When we kissed it was just weird. Nice and all, but... Boring. And I really, REALLY didn't want to take it further.' I snorted, remembering the time she "accidently" rubbed my dick all through dinner at Keade's. "I thought it was your leg." 'HA! Honestly.' Then she was all upset because I was mad at her. 'I wasn't even all that hard. And the only reason I didn't forcefully stop her was because I didn't want to make a scene.' But that wasn't entirely true. I didn't want to make a scene because I wasn't all that turned on. 'Even if we got married I don't think I would ever be hard enough, long enough, to...'

'Oh, shit.'

I had the same problem as my brother. The EXACT same problem. 'The only time I've ever been hard is...' I tried not to finish that thought but... 'when I'm thinking about or with HIM.'

'Oh, shit.'

There was only one reason for a yokai to not mate an acceptable... partner that I knew of (not that I was an expert)... 'If they had met their other half. Their...'

'Oh... SHIT!!'

'Don't think it... Don't think the term. If you don't think it, it won't be real.' I snorted at the sheer absurdity of that thought. And it distracted me from not thinking. (Another truly absurd thought.)

'True mate.'

'FUCKING FUCK!'

Now I HAD to think of that fucking bastard because I had to convince myself that he wasn't... 'I refuse to think that term in regards to him again.' ...that.

Sigh.

'Fuck.'

'Well, I'm not bored anymore.' I rolled my eyes at myself. Both for being overly sarcastic and for avoiding what I, now, needed and really didn't want to do.

'Fuck.'

Sigh.

'C'mon, fuck! Stop avoiding thinking by fucking swearing.' I wasn't going to comment to myself about my overuse of that fantastic word. 'Because I'm supposed to be thinking of my true...' NO. 'Fuck, my BROTHER.' That was better. That was the only "my" I could apply to him. 'Although, if he is my... mine, then...' Sigh.

'Fuck.'

'Ok, ok... Ok. You can do this.' Deep, mental, breath. 'Let's be logical.' (Not a word I'd ever thought to apply to myself when thinking about my... bastard half-brother. Or apply to myself in general.) I decided to rehash everything I knew about true mates first.

  1. You recognize them as soon as you meet them as your other half, no matter your age or maturity. If you're immature you feel a need to be near them (as in physically, emotionally and mentally), always. If you're mature you feel the need to be near, protect, provide for and fuck them, always.



'Ok, yes, when I first met the bastard I felt the need to be with him. It hurt when he turned his back and it physically hurt when he didn't turn back and actually left.' Exactly to the definition, actually... 'But, c'mon, I mean, he was my only family. And I was alone! And little! And helpless!' I pulled up the memory of that day. Focusing on his face. 'Because if we were true mates he shouldn't have been able to leave me like that.'

'Did he look excited when he approached?' Because it looked like he did. I replayed the scene again. He looked pissed this time. 'Wait, how did his eyes look before the snort? Was there as flash of love or am I imagining that?' It was pointless. I recognized that it had been too long and the memory had been colored and twisted. It no longer represented reality.

I didn't bother going into the after maturity part. It was clear that both of us felt all true mate-ly now. 'Well, it's clear I do anyway. I don't know if he was looking for me but he did respond and save me when my beast called for him. And the love I felt radiating from him during...'

  1. Once you've met your true mate you will never feel attracted to another.



Sigh.

  1. You will always love them. If you meet before maturity your love will be platonic until maturity.



'If the fact that neither of us killed each other counts as love... But, do I love him now?' I checked. I did. 'I think.' I didn't really know what love entailed. 'The only person who loved me who didn't try to kill me was my mother. And that certainly wasn't romantic love.' I sighed.

Well, there was Kagome.

'But, there was something off about that relationship. I don't think love should involve control over each other. And she really wanted to control me. If she said jump I was supposed to say how high, or just fucking jump. Even if it was stupid.' Thinking about her was making me depressed so I moved on.

  1. You are made for each other. Yin and yang.



I had no idea about that one. It was true that we were polar opposites in almost every way but I didn't know if that counted.

  1. You...



'Shit. Can't remember that one. Or if there are any others. I should have listened to beast more often. Oh! That's it!'

Your beast will recognize them and guide you to them. However, your beast will not be able to tell you that the other is your true mate.

'Something about your beast never revealing your fate...'

It was clear. 'Sesshomaru is my true mate.'

This made me depressed. 'Does he only love me because of that? Is that the only reason he never killed me? Would he hate me if I weren't?'

I didn't even have to think about the answer. 'Probably. Like, 99% likely probably. The only reason it's not yes, 100% is because he may have totally ignored and been indifferent to my existence if we weren't.'

So, now, my problem was what to do about it.

'Wait, can you have someone as your true mate but them not be the same?' Knowing my life it was possible. 'A couple that is fated to be together. That is made for each other. That will have the purest truest love.' The fates fucking hated me. But, you could always rebel against your fate. 'Isn't that what I did when I left last night? So, maybe that's what he's been doing?' I thought about it and remembered something Rin said-thought-whatever, "I don't think it was you who caused all your suffering. I mean, I believe Naraku and all that was your fate and by overcoming you can now reap your reward." 'Did she mean that Sesshomaru caused my suffering because he turned his back on his fate?' It made a fucked up kind of sense when you thought about it. 'Because, he's suffering now because I didn't trust him. And the whole mating situation he went through. Of course, I'm suffering too... But, life never is fair.'

'Especially when fate is involved.'

I still needed to figure out what I was going to do about it.

Knock, knock, knock.

'What the fuck is that?'

Knock, knock, knock!

'Is something-someone trying to get in here?'

Stab.

'Ow! Fuck! How did I get stabbed?' I waited for another stab while pondering whether or not I should answer.

Stab!

'Ow! Shit fuck!' I decided that I should, because the next stab would probably hurt worse. 'Now, HOW do I get out of here?' I decided to move in the direction the stab came from.

Stab, stab, stab.

'Ow, ow, ow!' I had been in here too long. I couldn't remember how I created this box. My only hope was that the stabs would keep coming or that someone would be able to get in the box and come get me.

Stab, stab, stab!

'Ow, ow, ow!' Sigh. As used to pain as I was I still didn't enjoy it. I also had no idea how I was feeling it.

Smack!

'What the hell?' There was a barrier. 'I must have reached the edge of the box.' I felt around. 'Now, how do I get out?' I tried creating a door.

Nothing.

'Hm...' I tried stabbing the barrier.

It stretched around my stab but I did feel it hit something. 'Maybe it's what's stabbing me?' I held the barrier there, trying to understand the thing on the other side.

I felt that... whatever, pushing against the stab. Then banging against me franticly.

It felt like they were panicking.

I felt another pushing against my barrier.

I had no idea how to communicate that I was stuck.

The banging continued. The other was... caressing me? 'Ok. Let's think about this logically. If I'm not in control that means that beast is. And he wouldn't let anyone new in my head, I don't think. So, that would be Miroku, Rin and Sesshomaru who would be able to get in. Oh, and beast is already in.'

STAB!

'Ow! Shit.' I stabbed back. I really didn't need a distraction right now. 'Now, Rin or beast would stab me, probably not the monk. And the only person who would caress me...'

'Fuck.' I still had no idea what to do about Sesshomaru. 'Would a life of celibacy be worth it?' I didn't have an answer to that. I did know that I wasn't ready to see- interact, whatever with him.

'But, I already don't know how to get out of here. If I retreat, or block them by making the barrier stronger I may never get out of here and I'll be stuck with nothing to think about but my bastard brother until I fade away.'

I didn't want that to happen.

'I guess I'd have to see him again anyway. I mean, he'll just track me forever until I finally give in and mate him.' He was that stubborn. 'Or until he kills himself...' The fact that him committing suicide was something that I actually thought he might do (and based on the whole miko incident it seemed very possible) if I died or rejected him scared the shit out of me.

I whimpered.

'As much as I don't trust him and am not sure I want to mate him... Whatever happens I don't want him to die.' I pictured him as skinny and filthy as I was lying in a field. No will to live, just waiting for the sweet release of death. Because everything was all his fault. Eyes closing... Exhaling for the last time...

Just thinking about it was so physically and emotionally painful I started crying.

The tears ran down the sides of my face and into my ears. I whipped them away.

'Fucking annoying when that happens. Another reason to hate being human. Those fucking ears!' I didn't bother to call myself a hypocrite because I hated my hanyou ears too. I knew I was.

'Wait a minute...'

There was buzzing in the back of my head. I ignored it.

'Why am I human? I wasn't human in the box...' The buzzing got louder and more annoying. There was also pressure on my chest. 'There wasn't that either...'

My chest was wet. And it wasn't dark.

'What the fuck? Am I out of the box?' I decided to try to talk to beast. Focusing on anything else seemed impossible. 'Beast? Can you hear me?'

Nothing.

I started to get worried but then I remembered I had human ears. 'If I'm human I don't have beast.' Ok, that was a duh. 'Apparently I'm an idiot again. Note to self: don't spend so much time in the box.'

I could understand that it was Rin's voice coming from my chest but the words were muffled by my top so I couldn't understand what she was saying. All I could see was a mass of black... 'I'm assuming hair.'

Time. 'Oh, fuck. How long was I in there?' I tried to think back to when the last new moon was but I couldn't. I was still sleeping all the time and I hadn't checked the moon last night-or whenever that was. Because I was starting to get the feeling that I was gone for a long time.

"Everyone out." I recognized that voice. Sesshomaru.

'Holy fuck. He's actually here.' My breath hitched and my eyes moved to where his voice was coming from. Rin was in the way. I hadn't actually expected him to be physically here. I figured beast would have been able to reach him at his home and he'd be in my head. 'How the fuck long was I out?' I didn't think he'd come back until the rebellion was squashed and then however long it took to deal with his mother. I had figured at least two months. 'Has it been that long already?'

There were loud protests to his order.

I couldn't understand them because it seemed everyone was talking at once. 'I can't even separate who's all here with these stupid human ears. Although, if these ears weren't human I'd probably be deaf.'

Because Sango was shouting still. "...AND WE SHOULD TRUST THAT YOU HAVE HIS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART?! IF YOU REALLY CARED YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HERE MONTHS AGO! NEVER MIND HOW MANY TIMES YOU HAVE TRIED TO KILL HIM IN THE PAST. HOW CAN YOU EXPECT US TO TRUST YOU? AND ANOTHER THING-"

"SLIENCE HUMAN!" Sesshomaru roared so loudly the ground shook.

'Ow, ears. Wait, months?!'

My eyesight had finally cleared (as much as it ever did while I was human) and I watched as Rin's head snapped up. I could feel her panic shoot through the link. Somehow I knew it was her who was caressing me. 'Weird, because she was mad at me.' The monk was the only other... being or whatever, in my head so it had to be him who was stabbing. 'Huh, guess I don't know him as well as I thought.' Thinking that normally would have made me depressed but I was so overwhelmed by his increasing fear I didn't think I _could_ feel anything else. I kicked him out of my head so I could think.

Sesshomaru started growling angrily. The sound was absolutely _terrifying_.

Sango had finally shut up but she was resisting Miroku's attempts to get her to leave. " _Please_ Sango..." He whispered after much of what I assumed was shoving based on the sounds from behind me.

Sesshomaru was defiantly going to kill Sango, soon, if she didn't leave.

I wanted to look at the idiot onna. Tell her with my eyes to leave since my voice wasn't working. 'Ugh. Why the fuck did they orient my head toward the door?!' Being human made me even more paranoid than normal and, with the general mood in the tiny hut, I was starting to freak out.

"GET. OUT. _NOW_." The words were guttural but understandable. The growling did not stop.

Rin leapt off me with inhuman speed and, with Miroku's help, dragged a protesting Sango out of the hut. I heard the door flap rustle and Sango's complaints fade, then increase in volume, then fade again as she got further and further away.

'Huh, didn't know Rin was fast. That's good. Even if she's not strong enough to fight her attackers she can at least run away.' That was stupid. She was moving normally in the cave.

Sesshomaru stopped growling and approached me slowly, gauging my reaction with each step.

I was wary of him. He may be my true mate but that doesn't mean he couldn't kill me before the ritual. The only ill side effect for him would be celibacy and he seemed pretty adept at being that. And as nice as he'd been recently I never trusted an angry Sesshomaru. 'That would just be plain stupid.' I wasn't sure if he was pissed at me or just the others but that growling had me on edge.

When I could clearly see the pain and concern on his face my heart twisted and I looked down. I wanted to turn my head and look at the wall on the other side of the futon but my survival instincts wouldn't allow him out of my sight. He was much too close already.

"Inuyasha..." His voice was strangled and thick.

Hearing my name like that, from him, was too much for me to bear. 'It would have been better if he were angry.' I closed my eyes, ignored my instincts, and turned my head to the wall. 'Oh... My chest.' It hurt. Tears threatened.

He closed the distance and knelt down next to me, ignoring my pathetic attempts to scoot away. "I'm... I'm sorry... So sorry. I had no idea..." He was speaking so quietly I was having trouble hearing him.

'Oh, kami! My chest!' It hurt so badly I didn't even care if he killed me anymore. I rolled so my back was to him and wrapped my arms around my (once again boney) chest tightly. As if the pressure would help the pain.

It didn't.

"You have to understand! I thought I was protecting you by staying away!" He was getting louder so I couldn't purposely block out his words. "I couldn't leave in the middle of a coup, someone would come after me and they'd find you..."

The pain became too much. "Nn." I curled my legs to my chest as he trailed off. I stopped trying to breathe and just held the air I currently had in my lungs. I hoped this would help with the ever increasing pain.

It didn't.

"When Rin told me that you'd gone and neither your beast nor she could find you the only excuse I had was that Rin needed me and I couldn't leave for that. She's only a human to them! They wouldn't understand! They'd come just to kill her for distracting me! And if they arrived here before I could... I couldn't let them find you." He placed his hand gently on my shoulder.

I could no longer hold my breath. I kept the sob that escaped as quiet as I could as my eyes also disobeyed me and the tears fell. I wrenched my shoulder away from his touch and curled into an even tighter ball. I sucked in a large breath and held it to keep more sobs at bay.

He whimpered and even without the link I could feel his pain. "I'm sorry. You have no idea... I should have come when your beast called for me. I knew I should have. It took everything I had to keep my beast from taking over and forcing me to go. And with each call it was more difficult. But, I was in the middle of one of Mother's schemes and Rin said you were fine, other than that you were missing..."

A less quiet sob escaped. I tightened my lips around my remaining air and clenched my teeth together so tightly I thought I felt one crack. 'Leave, just go! I don't want to hear this!' It was just proving that he could never be my mate. That I couldn't rely on him.

"I didn't notice how much time passed between each call so I didn't realize when they stopped. My beast retreated. Rin wouldn't talk to me. The notice that you had ceased eating was intercepted. I didn't know!"

'It just gets better. Even after all that he didn't care about anything other than himself.' A combination sob laugh consisted of the last of my air.

It must have startled him because he stopped talking.

'Just how long did it take for him to finally come here?' I started laughing. "I..." I couldn't get anything else out. The laughing was starting to get hysterical. 'I want you to leave. I don't want to see you again.'

"Inu...yasha?"

The sun chose that moment to rise. Once the change was complete my emotions were more manageable. The laughter and tears stopped. My muscles relaxed. I took a breath through my mouth.

_^'You're back! I missed you! I was so worried!!'^_

'Sorry.' I gave him a review of what he missed while the sun was down.

He was pissed. _^'Yes, he told me essentially the same thing. I didn't feel the need to respond to him. At all.'^_ He wanted to catch me up on everything I missed but we were interrupted.

The hand came back. "Inuyasha?" Panic was creeping into his voice.

I leapt away from him, moving so quickly I got dizzy. "Leave." I ordered as I held my head in my hands.

He didn't move.

My head stopped spinning. I looked up at him with fangs bared and eyes narrowed. "Leave."

He forced a link faster than I could prevent it. I felt all his suffering. His pain. Most of all... His guilt. **~'I'M SORRY!'~**

I noticed the tearstains. The bags under his eyes. His general state of disheveled-ness. My eyes widened. To humans it would be invisible, he'd look just as polished as always. But to me it was painfully obvious he was distraught.

Beast scoffed.

 **~'Inuyasha, please! PLEASE! I'll do anything, give ANYTHING to have you forgive me.'~** He was desperate.

I could feel how close he was to losing it. 'Even with as much of an asshole he is I don't want him to...' I remembered the pictures I had created in my head of him dying and winced. I didn't want him to lose it. My breath whooshed out and I relaxed. Shoulders slumped. Ears drooped.

I felt him suppressing his hope and at the same time his increasing feeling of foreboding. He held his breath.

I sighed.

"I'll listen to you."

 

 

 

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, Inuyasha is being reasonable and logical! Sorta, for him anyway.
> 
> Is anyone else sick of me just writing angst? I am. Stupid angst fairy keeps plotting with the plot fairy. Bitches. Just back off and let me write porn! *Cries little crocodile tears.*


	6. Shippo's Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst. Some boring plot stuff. And, I'm not quite sure how because it wasn't in the plans, but there's some sexy bits for you as well.
> 
> Oh, and it's a _bitch_ of a cliffhanger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> -. Small break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.  
> ____

Sesshomaru exhaled loudly. He was extremely relived. "Thank you." He allowed a little more hope to blossom.

 ** _~^'Humph. I don't see how we owe him this.'^~_** Beast was pissed and he was passive aggressively letting my half-brother know it.

I felt Sesshomaru's pain at beast's harsh words. He winced and whimpered slightly.

 **~'We don't.'~** I answered simply. Honestly, I had no idea why I wanted to listen to him. I didn't trust him, and with this latest event that lack of trust was well founded. I didn't know everything about being a mate, but I sure as hell knew that when your mate called out to you for help you fucking answered. 'Unless you don't care.' I managed not to wince physically but I wasn't able to stop my mental reaction to the thought. /Depression./

The bastard took that harder than I thought he would. His face crumbled in pain and his whole body wilted. The guilt was overwhelming. He knew he had fucked up. The hope vanished.

I actually felt kind of bad for him. I shook the feeling off.

'I can't believe this asshole is fated to me. The fates really REALLY hate me. Fucking true mate bullshit.'

 _^'Agreed.'^_ Beast sighed. ^ _'I'm glad I don't have to hide it from you anymore. Even if I hate that it's him. You know, I think you had the right idea from the get-go. We can't mate this asshole.'^_

I was amazed. 'Are you SERIOUS?'

 _^'Completely.'^_ He said with a dead voice.

I wondered what the hell happened while I was gone.

Before anything else happened I needed a fucking drink. And a bathroom break. I made sure I wouldn't run into anyone while doing both. I had the charm in my pocket just in case but...

\----

When I returned I looked to Sesshomaru **. ~'I'm going to kick you out for a little bit so I can listen to beast. Then I'm going to enter your brain and find the answer to every question I've ever had.'~** I felt weak. My yokai and reiki were low and my muscle mass seemed to be gone again. I was having trouble standing and until I ate something I wasn't sure I could even sit upright through all this.

My brother felt this and fed me some yokai.

**_~^'I've got a better idea. Let him watch.'^~_ **

**~'Fine by me.'~** I shrugged and fell onto the futon. 'Huh, I'm weaker than I thought.' I had intended to be at least halfway graceful in my decent. 'Never mind that.' I closed my eyes and rolled over. Facing away from the door. And Sesshomaru.

I took a deep breath and created a space in my brain. Everyone could see, feel, hear and completely experience beast's memories but the bastard was stuck in a box that he couldn't leave or communicate though. He wouldn't even be able to tell we were getting his emotions the whole time. I smirked.

Sesshomaru didn't fight when I pulled him into my brain box.

**~'Go ahead beast.'~**

**_~^'Gladly.'^~_ **

\----

I watched as beast replayed the scene leading to my "retreat." It was humiliating. 'Kami, I knew I could be an asshole but damn!' I didn't really want Sesshomaru seeing me laughing at his pain but beast knew he was watching so he must have showed it for a reason.

**~/Mortification./~**

I winced as Sesshomaru's reaction deepened as the scene continued. When Rin got pissed I had to temper the link so I could stand it. Clearly he had no idea we could feel him or he would pretend it didn't bother him.  
-.

When I entered my box beast was thrust into control of my body. "Hey, hey, oi!" He whimpered. "Where'd you go?"

"What just happened?" Rin asked.

Beast looked up at her and realized he was in control. "I don't know! I can't find master!" /Panic./

-.  
**~/Irritation./~**

I mentally smacked myself. I needed to hear his thoughts if I was going to understand the emotional reaction. But, I didn't know if I could get his private thoughts without him realizing I was monitoring him. I decided not to risk it.  
-.

Rin cocked her head and blinked. "You mean, Inuyasha?"

"Yes!" 'Duh!'

-.  
I smirked at his manners.  
-.

Rin's eyes narrowed. "He's not there?"

'Oh, kami.' "No." He said it as if he were speaking to an idiot. "And we _need_ to find him!"

Rin growled low in her throat.

-.  
It was amusing. It sounded like a human growl. Not near as impressive as mine.

I felt Sesshomaru's short burst of amusement.  
-.

Rin initiated a link. **~'Ah, that's better.'~**

~'Pup, we _have_ to find him. Now.'~

**~'Why? I mean, I think I kinda over-guilted him. He's probably just hiding in some corner trying to come to grips with everything that's happened.' /Irritation./ 'Wait, what happened between Father and Dad? I noticed he wasn't bonded when he came back and Father was really upset...'~**

**~'Master freaked out. I mean, he explained it to me and it makes sense, he can't trust mate.'~**

-.  
'Oh kami.' I didn't want Sesshomaru to get all this. I was tempted to block it...

**~/Guilt./~**

But then, I'd miss out on his emotional reaction. 'Plus it saves me from actually talking to him about it.' I didn't feel like talking about my feelings, ever, so it was a win.  
-.

**~'What do you mean, freaked out? I mean, Father told Dad about everything, right? They sat down and talked-'~**

"HA!" Beast let out a barking laugh.

**~'They didn't talk?' /Anger./~**

-.  
**~/Wince./~  
** -.

"Grrrrr." She growled. **~'I told him. I TOLD him he needed to sit down with Dad and talk. TALK!'~** "ARGH!" She threw her hands up in frustration.

-.  
I swear if Sesshomaru had ears they'd be slicked back so far they'd be invisible with how bad and embarrassed he felt.  
-.

**~'Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a problem. But not our biggest one. We _need_ to find master!'~**

-.  
**~/Irritation./~**

I huffed in annoyance. 'What is he irritated about?'  
-.

**~'Calm down. I'm sure he'll come back eventually.'~**

**~'You don't understand! I can't create new energy without him. I need to be in the background, my mind home, to create yokai. And if I can't make new yokai then when we run out I'll disappear. There's not a reiki consciousness so once I'm gone there's no one to control the body. You know, to make it eat, or drink...'~**

Her eyes went wide. **~'What about the new moon?'~**

**~'What about it? If there's no yokai when the sun goes down there's not going to be any to return when the sun comes back up.'~**

**~'Shit.'~** She contemplated for a second. She kept narrowing her eyes at him, us, no, him.

 **~'What, what do you see? Can you _see_ where he is?'~** /Hope./

She let out her breath in a huff, proofing up her bangs. Then she rubbed her face with her tiny hands.

-.  
Beast didn't seem to notice but I noticed that her nails were extremely long for a human. They didn't look sharp, like claws, but...  
-.

Beast sent her his irritation at her lack of response.

-.  
I rolled my eyes. That _was_ her response.

 _^'Shut up you. Humans are weird.'^_ He growled at me.  
-.

 **~'No, I can't find him. I _think_ he's there. But it's hard to see inside things from the outside.'~ ** She paused. **~'Do, do you mind if I enter your brain?'~**

He wasn't happy that she couldn't find me but was hopeful when he pulled her in.

-.  
The visuals cut off and we just floated in the nothingness that was my brain.

 **~/Shock./~** Then, **~/amusement./~**

I could only assume Sesshomaru was making a snide comment to himself about emptiness.   
-.

'Ok, I don't know how to make the levels visible.' Beast said.

'It's ok, Beast. I saw them once, I think I can reproduce it...' Rin said.

Her version of my brain was a lot brighter than mine was. She made the "entry plane" a field of flowers and the "levels" looked like some sort of mix between the skyscrapers I saw them as and a traditional Japanese castle.

Beast made Rin look a lot younger than she looked in real life. She also had little black koinu ears. And fangs.

-.  
I rubbed my temples, exasperated and embarrassed. 'Beast...'

And felt Sesshomaru's laughter.

 _^'Shut up. That's how I see her.'^  
_ -.

They looked around. The entry plane seemed to go on forever. They looked up and saw that other plane but didn't understand how to get there. They saw another plane below too.

 **~'So? Where do we start?'~** Rin asked beast.

Beast shrugged. 'The levels, I guess?'

-.  
He paused his memory there. **_~^'We looked in every single level. Do you have any idea how many levels there are?'^~_** He glared at me.

 **~'Nooooo...'~** I led.

**_~^'There are over 500. 500. And we searched. Every. One.'^~_ **

I had to ask, **~'How? I mean, they aren't living spaces. They're...'~** I frowned. **~'...states of awareness-es?'~**

**_~^'Not for me! Rin couldn't even enter them properly.'^~_ **

That was interesting. Sesshomaru thought so too. I felt his desire to see them for himself.

 **~'Show me how you see them.'~** I commanded.

He tried, but I couldn't see anything. I wanted to ask Sesshomaru if he could see anything from beast because the only emotion I was getting from him was confusion but I figured either he didn't or he didn't understand enough to communicate so I didn't let more out of the box.

Beast and Rin spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to get to the planes above and below the "entry" but they couldn't figure it out. Beast was able to discern enough about them to conclude I wasn't there. Watching them gave me some ideas of my own. I was eager to try them out but beast reminded me that this was more important.

_^'Don't you want to find out why I'm so pissed at "mate"?'^_

'Right, right.'  
-.

Rin and beast decided to give up and exited my brain.

\----

"Hey, they're waking up!"

'The alpha-bitch is tooooo loud.'

"Rin-sama, Rin-sama! Are you ok?"

Beast heard Sango shake Rin and he growled low under his breath.

"I-I'm ok," she coughed, "Sango-sama."

Beast watched as Sango got Rin some water and proceeded to smother her with affection. He growled a warning when Sango hugged her so hard she squeaked. He was irritated that Sango didn't seem to care about him but more worried that she was going to hurt his pup in her enthusiasm.

Sango froze when she heard the growl and turned, her eyes full of fear.

Beast rolled his eyes. 'Honestly,' he thought, 'I never once tried to kill them.'

-.  
Sesshomaru reacted with vexation and heartbreak to that remark.

I noted his reaction and told myself to ask beast why he never tried to kill my pack but did attack his supposed mate. Later. If I kept interrupting beast we'd be here forever.  
-.

To avoid her overreacting to his presence he said, "Hey, I'd like some water too."

That seemed to have the opposite reaction to what he wanted. The taijiya let out a deafening screech, pushed Rin to the ground behind her protectively and attacked.

Beast sighed in irritation as he dodged her attacks.

-.  
**~/Anger./~  
** -.

"No! Sango-sama, stop!" Rin cried.

Sango paused.

Beast landed his back flip next to the water bucket and sipped some out of cupped hands.

-.  
'Show off.' I admonished him lightheartedly.  
-.

Miroku chose that moment to come through the door-flap. Beast dodged his attacks until Rin convinced him that I- beast was safe.

Beast allowed Rin to explain the situation, which she did an extraordinarily poor job of ("Inuyasha's missing in his head somewhere so Beast is in charge. We were looking for him.") and the couple allowed beast and Rin out to relieve themselves. Everyone was worried the charm wouldn't work but it did. Beast was thankful for that. He hated being indoors.

"So, what do we do?" Sango asked once we were all settled again.

Beast's ears swiveled at the sound of Rin's stomach growling. "Well, we gotta eat." He was avoiding telling the whole truth.

-.  
I was a little surprised that beast had taken up my habit of dumbing down my language when around others. 'Another thing to add to the list of things to ask him later.'  
-.

Both Sango and Miroku looked uncomfortable at that request. The monk rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

"I can hunt for us, ya know. Ya'll don't haveta be put out or notthin'."

The couple looked more uncomfortable and Miroku did his annoying nervous chuckle thing.

-.  
I felt both Sesshomaru's current and beast's remembered indignation at the same time. They assumed the couple didn't want beast loose in the village. I knew better. They were hiding something and I waited for the hammer to drop.  
-.

"What?" Rin finally asked.

Her question was answered not by the couple but by the door-flap rustling.

Beast stiffened. He felt and smelt a yokai. He leapt in front of Rin in a protective crouch.

-.  
**~/Approval./~  
** -.

"Hey, what's everyo-" the sentence was cut off with a gasp.

Beast sniffed to make sure and straightened once he was sure. He stayed in front of Rin though.

-.  
That reaction both bothered and pleased me.  
-.

"I-I-Inu... yasha?" Shippo struggled over my name.

-.  
Beast and I felt a pang of guilt. Sesshomaru did too.

'Geez, I forgot all about the kid.' That made me feel horrible.  
-.

Beast opened his mouth to speak but shut it once he realized he had no answer. He wasn't his master.

When no one responded Shippo circled beast sniffing. Once he was done he took several steps back. We smelt the tears hidden by his bangs.

Beast put his hand out and opened his mouth even though he still hadn't found the words.

"What the HELL?!" Shippo's head shot up and the tears flowed freely. "You're ALIVE?!"

"Uh-" Beast had no idea what to say to that.

"After all this time?! And you, what? Decided, what?! WHAT?!" He shouted his confusion as tiny claws dug into his palms and blood slowly flowed.

-.  
'Oh, kami.' I felt like shit.  
-.

"Uh..." I heard what beast wanted to say, 'I wanted to go back. _I_ never forgot about you. I'm sorry.'

-.  
I was very glad he didn't voice those thoughts.  
-.

"I'm sorry, kit." He settled.

"Sorry? You're sorry. That's great." He said with venom. "'Cuz that just fixes everything doesn't it? That's what _they_ said too." He pointed at the couple. "At least they had an excuse. _You_ were supposed to be there when I got back."

-.  
'Oh, kami.' I didn't realize it was possible for me to feel worse. But, apparently it was.   
-.

"You know what _sorry_ doesn't fix?" He glared into beast's eyes, undaunted by the red. "It doesn't fix coming home, super excited to see my parents-"

-.  
'Oh, shit.' I felt a powerful sense of foreboding.  
-.

"I returned from training and EVERYONE was gone! Keade-baba was dead, the couple was gone, and the village was happily celebrating because my father and the kuro miko who belonged to a yokai left! The only thing they knew was that the man I considered to be my father had BEGGED a yokai to kill my mother because she no longer wanted to marry him! Because he kept cheating on her! The yokai had even dissolved her body in acid so they didn't have to hold a funeral! Then they LAUGHED! Said she got what she deserved for consorting with a hanyou. Because my kind could NEVER be trusted. Then they tried to KILL me! AND IT WAS ALL. YOUR. FAULT! IF YOU HADN'T KEPT CHEATING ON MY MOTHER SHE WOULD HAVE TRUSTED YOU ENOUGH TO MARRY YOU!!! _AND YOU KILLED HER OUT OF SPITE!! YOU BEGGED YOUR ASSHOLE BROTHER TO FUCKING KILL MY MOTHER, YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO DO IT YOURSELF!!! AFTER EVERYTHING SHE DID FOR YOU! YOU'D STILL BE STUCK TO A FUCKING TREE IF NOT FOR HER!!! I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!_ "

-.  
I felt so much guilt my heart broke. 'The first time he called me father and I wasn't even there for it.' I mentally snorted at how I avoided the point.

**_~^'The first time he calls us father and he's telling us how he hates you.'^~_ **

I clutched my heart as beast twisted the knife.

It didn't help that Sesshomaru wasn't faring much better.

I growled. 'Why, why does he never make sense?!' Then my eyes widened. 'Oh, shit. The kit's right.'

_^'What?!'^_

I whimpered. 'He's right. If I had been, if I hadn't always gone off with Kikyo-'

Beast cut me off. _^'Shut. Up. Watch the rest before you freak out.'^_ His voice held so much alpha-command in it I obeyed unthinkingly.  
-.

The pup growled in my arms. Then she leapt across the room with impossible speed and slammed into the kit throwing them both to the floor. "DON'T." She punched him in the face. "SPEAK." Another punch. "OF." Punch. "THINGS." This punch drew blood from the kit's nose. "YOU." Punch. "DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!" She punched him so hard she broke the skin on her knuckles.

**-.  
~/Awe. Pride./~**

I was tempted to have the same reaction and would've if Rin wasn't fighting her brother.  
**-.**

"BITCH!" The kit roared and threw her to the wall by her bandaged arm. "What could YOU possibly understand?!"

-.  
That pissed both Sesshomaru and me off.  
-.

Beast caught the pup as gently as he could before she could hit the wall. But he had to move very quickly and her breath got knocked out of her when she landed on him when he landed on his back.

The kit released a scream so loud his throat became raw. "Sure, defend HER! You don't even move when she HITS me!!" He threw himself at my exposed neck. Beast didn't want to hurt him and there was no way to defend us without doing so or putting the pup in danger. 'Well, I'm going to die anyway...' He thought as he exposed my neck further to keep his attention away from the pup.

-.  
I was in shock.  
-.

Rin hadn't regained control of her lungs but we could feel her fury. She flared her reiki around her hand and backhanded him across the hut.

-. **  
~/Glee./~**

I was impressed. It was next to impossible to fight when the air was knocked from you. And the flare of reiki seemed to give her a major strength boost. She even managed to temper it so it didn't burn him.  
-.

She started breathing again and tried to attack him some more. "You will NOT hurt my Dad!!" She screeched.

The kit lifted his head, spat out a tooth and glared.

Beast held her struggling body to mine. She put up a valiant effort but she was no match for his strength. When she started to flare her reiki again he had to stop her. "Pup, stop! That's ENOUGH!"

She glared but reigned in her reiki and stopped struggling. "You're lucky, brat. I could have killed you easily."

-. **  
~/Preening./~**

I laughed at my brother's reaction. That, and she looked and sounded so much like him just then.  
-.

Beast sighed. "Look, I'm sorry that your mother died. But it wasn't my fault-"

He interrupted. "Like hell it wasn't! I hear about anyone else begging for my mother's death."

"You don't understand-"

He interrupted again. "How could I _possibly_ misinterpret that?!"

"She was trying to kill our pack! We had to heal the slayer's baby, she almost killed it-"

"You're fucking lying. My mother would NEVER do that."

The monk took that opportunity to speak up. "No, Shippo-kun. That's true. Our youngest carries some of Inuyasha's reiki because of it. I watched the whole thing. There was no way to save Kagome-sama. She had become a kuro miko and was insane. Inuyasha did what he had to do to-"

"Liar. You're lying. I don't believe you." But, he seemed more unsure than he was earlier.

The taijiya shook her head. "He's not. She would have killed us all." Then she muttered loud enough for everyone to hear, "Of course, if he hadn't cheated with Kikyo-sama all the time she wouldn't have believed those girls, gone dark and lost her mind..."

-.  
I flinched at the instant regret and guilt I felt.   
-.

'Great. That was SUPER helpful.' Beast was sure the kit wouldn't listen to him anymore after the slayer's comment but he had to try. "That is true. But the reason-"

"Was that you're a two-timing asshole?" She muttered.

He growled.

-.  
So did my brother and I.  
-.

So did the pup. "No, you stupid _cunt_. It was because he was going through his first heat and Kagome-sama suppressed his yokai with the kotodama no nenju so much that he couldn't hear Beast. If Beast wasn't being suppressed Inuyasha never would have gone to either woman because he'd already met his TRUE MATE. It wasn't even possible for him to RUT her let alone mate her."

-.  
I winced at that. Somehow it made me feel inadequate.

**~/Wince./~**

'What, why is he wincing? ARGUH!' I was frustrated with myself.  
-.

Her announcement was met with stunned silence.

 **~'I think you've ruined your reputation, pup.'~** Beast thought at Rin. He wanted to add that his master wasn't technically two-timing because he made it very clear to the alpha-bitch that he chose the dead one over her and that it was her choice to come back and stay. But the pup wasn't finished.

 **~'I don't care. This is important.'~** "So, it was actually Kagome-sama's fault she died. I understand that the beads were necessary at first but they should have been removed as soon as possible. Which, from what I understand was three days later after the whole Yura incident. Keade-sama said she tried to convince that sadistic bitch countless times to remove them but she always refused. She _liked_ controlling Inuyasha. She didn't really care about him at all." The pup's voice seeped venom.

-.  
**~/Agreement./~**  
I felt disheartened at her statement. Especially since she knew more than others. **  
** -.

Monk: "Well..." Slayer: "I don't think that's true..." Kit: "That is NOT true! She LOVED him."

The pup rolled her eyes. **~'Not from what I saw.'~**

Beast wanted to agree with her, but he didn't. "I know, in her own strange way, the miko did love us." 'Honestly that's why I didn't kill her every time I broke free. I may have disliked her but she was pack and I owed her a lot.' **~'Plus, it's not like my true mate acted much better...'~** Both he and I were upset about that. He knew we were made for each other but remembering just a few of the things his master went though because of their mate had left a bad taste in beast's mouth that was getting worse with time. 'I mean, I knew, but I wasn't sentient enough to fully experience every aspect.' And he knew there were much, MUCH worse memories.

-. ****  
~/Guilt. Shame./~  
-.

"Use her name! She hated it when you didn't use her name." The kit growled.

 **~'There are good reasons for why he acted that way.'~** Rin comforted Beast.

 **~'I hope that's true.'~** 'The only way to convince Master we could trust him is if our mate wasn't truly a petty dick.' **~'Because there is a chasm the size of an ocean to overcome.'~**

-. **  
~/Terror./~**

That emotion from Sesshomaru did not bode well.  
-.

Shippo spat out more blood and growled.

Beast worried that Shippo would attack again but didn't want to move Rin behind him in case it triggered him.

The room became watery and swayed.

Beast tried to shake it off but everyone's voices started to echo. And then blackness started creeping into his vision.

 **~'Beast, no! Hold on!'~** Rin called in our head.

He didn't have the energy to do as she commanded. He retreated and called out to our mate in inu. **_~^'Help!'^~_** He knew it was pointless, by the time he arrived it'd probably be too late, but couldn't stop himself.

-. **  
~/Panic./~**

I ignored the painful stab of worry from my brother. 'It has to be a conditioned response.'  
-.

Beast continued the story. 'I smell something pure and delicious.' /Worry./ 'But...' The world faded to black.

-.  
Beast stopped producing memories and just "talked" for a while.

**_~^'I woke up after a few days. Turns out that the pup and I were in our head for, like, three days. So, we'd been there, like, a week-'^~_ **

I felt a twinge of pain. Beast was doing the "like" thing. 'The only other who'd done that was...' I hesitated but I knew I needed to think her name. It was just easier sometimes than others. '...Kagome.'

 ** _~^/Guilt./^~_** Beast felt bad for hurting me. He hadn't intended on talking like the old alpha-bitch. The pup had picked up the habit from her and he was mimicking the pup. **_~^'Sorry, Master.'^~_**

**~/Vexed./~**

I sighed. I really, really needed into Shesshomaru's brain. 'First things first. It's ok Beast. Just talk.'

**_~^'We'd gotten dangerously low on yokai. We'd needed a source since even when I passed out I couldn't produce any. Of course, my chosen mate had better things to do-'^~_ **

**~/Shame. Regret./~**

'BEAST.' I snarled. It was one thing to be snarky it was another to be that blatantly hurtful.

He snarled back, but it was a submissive snarl. Inu for I don't like it but I'll obey. I didn't bother to push for an apology. 'Wait, how do I know inu?'

Beast continued, **_~^'The pup had communicated the problem through mokomoko to_ him _-'^~_** He snarled the word.

I let out an exasperated sigh.

**_~^'...and he said to try to feed me yokai or reiki. Well, the pup fed me reiki, which was good because I couldn't produce that on my own either-'^~_ **

**~/Curiosity./~**

**_~^'...but mokomoko couldn't feed me. I'd never linked with her and although I woke up every once in a while I wasn't coherent.'^~ He sensed my question and answered, ~^'We don't know why we couldn't link. It should have been fine because it was the_ lord's _-'^~_** He said the title like it was a curse.

I shook my head. It looked like that was as close to respectful the brat was going to be. Then I tilted my head, 'since when do I CARE if ANYONE is respectful to the bastard? Or if anyone is respectful to anyone?'

Beast didn't let my thoughts continue, **_~^'yokai. But, anyway, the pup was able to get in my head and perform a link with the kit so he could feed us.'^~_**

I was taken aback. 'The kit was my responsibility. I had never really seen him as my son, more like an annoying little brother. But that didn't make me any less responsible for his safety. I was his alpha, leaving him, without even the care of the beta or new alpha-bitch was totally irresponsible and reprehensible. '

**~/Depression./~**

My eyes widened. 'Sesshomaru can hear me!' Then I realized my mistake. 'Shit.' Now, he knew I could feel him.

_^'Idiot.'^_

'Shaddup.' I figured I might as well let the bastard out of the box. I was about to do so when Beast stopped me.

**_~^'No, trust me. You'll need to be separated.'^~_ **

'What?' I wondered what could possibly be so bad. That horrible feeling of foreboding crept back up.

**_~^'Anyway, the pup got me back up and moving. The pack decided to name me Yoshi the houshi._ **

**_~^'I continually praised the kit on his skills. The charm worked well. The pup and I spent our days helping the guards identify reiki signatures so the town wouldn't come under attack from holy people. Sure, if there wasn't a taint then the person wasn't evil. But non-discriminatingly killing yokai isn't considered evil and part of the town's population was yokai. I'd even seen some hanyou. That little bat hanyou was here with her mother. I didn't ask why._ **

**_~^'My inability to name people was a problem. The leader of the monks was our beta and they didn't give me any trouble when I was with them. They just thought I was weird. The pup took over the leadership of the miko and they hated me. The previous alpha had it out for us. She hated yokai and men. Since the pup and I were known accomplices of the lord of the west-'^~_** He said the title super disrespectfully and I was surprised the mocking tone didn't get a response from the boxed holder. ** _~^'we were on her shit list. The pup, surprisingly, more so than I. At least, at first. The bitch thought she was the yokai's whore. That fight would have been entertaining if it weren't so fucking creepy. When it came out that I was the one he was after... well...'^~_**

He changed the subject before I could ask what happened.

**_~^'We also discussed the "relationship." Or, lack thereof. She wouldn't discuss anything interesting with me. She said that was his place. I could feel her reluctance so I didn't push the issue._ **

**_~^'The kit's charm affected her sight so we stayed bonded all the time so she could monitor my energy levels and feed me when needed. The pup was so taxed between her duties and my feedings that she ate an enormous amount and slept all night every night._ **

**_~^'I was worried about her. She was constantly wrapped in mokomoko but if she was having conversations with the lord she didn't allow any part of them through the connection. Every once in a while her mood would sour for no apparent reason. As more time passed it happened more and more frequently. Then, she stopped wearing it._ **

**_~^'The day of the upcoming new moon was stressful the first time and it didn't get any easier. Everyone in our pack was scared. What would happen without you there? Would you come back with the sunrise? As the day progressed I got weaker and weaker. By the time night fell I was completely incoherent. The pup said the moment the sun fell behind the mountain I fell over and we were unresponsive. She told me later that she entered our brain and searched for you all night but couldn't find either of us each month. It was just her with me all night this time because the beta and his mate's pup was sick and they didn't want to draw attention, more attention, to me._ **

**_~^'The pup had checked all around us before she went on her search. But, she miscalculated. As head of the miko it was her responsibility to aid in childbirth and one of the villagers went into labor but the other miko said they'd handle it when they saw how overworked and tired she was. The pup told the beta miko not to disturb her that night but the birth didn't progress properly and no one knew what to do. They were desperate so they ignored her request._ **

**_~^'The beta miko entered our hut without warning. The pup was too distracted to sense her aura in time. Neither of us thought to keep the charm on inside the hut. She took it from me so she could see without the interference earlier. Besides, I was human._ **

**_~^'When I woke up I heard the beta miko scream. I was low on yokai because I was unable to feed the day before (I was too out of it). The pup was weak from staying up all night and neither of us foresaw what happened next.'^~_ **

I was thrust into another memory.  
-.

"W-w-what did you do to that man?" The beta miko stuttered.

"Nothing. I was just assisting him through-"

"You turned him into a yokai!"

"NO! He's a-"

"I KNEW you were evil!"

Beast sat up slowly, readjusting to being aware again. Waking up in control was unnerving for him. He prepared to draw some reiki from the pup.

-.  
**_~^'I had the worst timing ever.'^~_**  
-.

A wave of purification power was thrown at Beast. He didn't have enough reiki to deflect the attack and He couldn't absorb the energy without a link. He stared wide-eyed at what would become our death. **~'Mate!'~** He instinctually cried.

_-. **  
~/Upset./~**_

I huffed at the vague emotion and nodded Beast to continue.  
-.

The pup threw herself in front of us and shielded us the best she could. But, she still didn't know how to make shields against un-tainted holy power. She tried but in her haste she unthinkingly stole Beast's yokai to make a shield.

He didn't have enough available to do anything but dampen the wave. And since Rin was acting as a yokai conduit she took the full blast. As soon as she realized what was happening she terminated the link to protect us.

Beast tried to grab her but he was now not only disoriented but also weak. He didn't have any links to draw power from.

He watched her fall through my fingertips into the smoldering remains of the fire.

He was in the process of pulling her out when the beta bitch gathered reiki for another wave.

-.  
**~/Rage./~**

That pissed me off too. I hoped she was dead.  
-.

'Must. Kill. Bitch.' He growled in rage. He (gently) threw the pup onto the futon and launched at the onna.

His tackle threw them through the reed door and outside the hut.

She screamed in anguish as her arm shattered under her.

Beast's smile turned feral at the sound of her pain. He was torn for a moment. She needed to suffer for hurting our pup but she also needed to be eliminated quickly so he could care for the pup.

-. **** _  
~^'It was that moment of hesitation that cost me dearly.'^~  
_ -.

Another miko had come to see what the holdup was. She was just outside the hut and had heard what the beta miko had said.

'Why does she have weapons?' Beast pondered. Then he felt the purifying arrow pierce his lung and smelt the burnt flesh. She was weak, which was the only reason we survived. It took the last of his reiki to keep the damage contained.

He coughed blood all over the miko below him and let out a gurgling roar as he pulled the offensive stick from himself.

-.  
I didn't wince at the remembered pain. 'After all, we've had worse. That's nothing.'

My brother did. It was like he felt nauseated too.

'Weird.'

Beast ignored us and continued.  
-.

He was now outnumbered and with only a little yokai and no reiki clearly overpowered. He leapt to the hut's roof and flattened our body to the back part of the roof to hide from further attacks. He tried to check on the pup with his other senses but it was no use.

Then, a burst of panic when he remembered he'd left the fang inside.

The miko's scream brought more villagers and soon the whole town "knew" there was a violent yokai on the loose. The guards were coming and the holy people were already talking strategy.

He yelled that he wasn't dangerous, that the miko had attacked the pup but he didn't have enough breath to speak loud enough for them to hear over each other and the warning alarms. The lung was filled with blood and in the process of collapsing.

He didn't even have the yokai available to stop the bleeding. He could only move at human speed, boosting his speed with yokai or reiki wasn't an option. So, he couldn't run away. 'I wouldn't want to anyway. I needed to protect the pup. If they thought she was a kuro miko they might try to kill her. At least right now they are focused on me.'

-. ** _  
~^I was terrified. If I didn't live I couldn't protect the pup, we'd both die. The alpha-bitch, the beta and probably their entire family too, for being accomplices. 'I screamed for my mate.'^~_**

Beast then remembered the call. I was fascinated for about a third of a second. It was different than the others and I couldn't properly translate it.

**~/Terror, self-loathing, horror, guilt, pain.../~**

Sesshomaru's emotions were freaking me the fuck out. Because he was freaking the fuck out. It was like he was having a panic attack only it was rage toward himself and the feeling of helplessness was staggering. I was honestly worried he'd hurt himself somehow.

I dismembered the box and found him, curled in a ball, trying to scratch his mental skin off.

'Ok, he's lost it.' It was horrifying.

Beast said nothing but radiated disapproval as I restrained my flailing brother. I couldn't bind him with reiki here (I tried) but this was my brain and I still managed to get him to stop trying to kill his mental self. I even healed the damaged he'd done.

 **~'Look at me.'~** I commanded, alpha rising in my voice. Based on what I'd read of Kagome's books he needed someone to pull him out of this state and comfort him. To pull him out I needed to be dominant (they used some other word but it meant the same thing. I think).

He went completely submissive. Limp, neck bared, submissive sound and everything.

That was also terrifying. 'But, on the upside, he's not trying to claw anything anymore...'

I was tempted to grab his chin and force his face to mine. But, that was the human way. And he was an inuyokai.

Beast refused to assist (I made a mental note to punish him later) and I had very little yokai instincts without him.

'Shit.'

I could only think of one thing to do. Rely on the inu instincts I had in abundance.

I growled my approval and he relaxed minutely. I straddled him, 'How the hell does he still smell good?!' and licked his jaw.

He let out another submissive whimper and I nipped his jaw. He twitched under me and groaned at the small pain. But, not in the right way, the submissive way. The other way, the good way.

That sound went right to my... mental cock and I attacked his neck. His wrists were still in my hands and I forced them over his head. He started grinding into me and I nipped him to remind him who's in charge.

He retuned to submissive stance and I rewarded him with several bruising kisses. Going down his neck I decided he was wearing too much and, since I was in control in my brain, vanished his top so I didn't have to stop. He mewled his pleasure but didn't move.

~'Stay.'~ I barked in inu and released his wrists. My hands gliding over his perfect, smooth, toned abdomen.

He twitched but obeyed so I rewarded him by lightly running my claws down his sides.

He wiggled and scrunched up his face. He'd yet to open his eyes, which was disappointing but he didn't move his arms.

'It tickles!' I realized. I was tempted to torture him but the pink nub of his nipple begged for attention.

I wasn't going to deny such a well behaved bitch his reward.

I latched on roughly with my teeth, but not my fangs, and he gasped and arched his back. I felt his massive erection rub against me in the process and I, somehow, got harder. 'Kami, I want to touch it.' But, my asinine virgin nerves prevented it. I switched nipples and tweaked the recently abandoned one between my fingers while testing just how much pain was too much on this new one.

He threw his head back and panted between arches and howls. No matter how rough I was with him he only felt pleasure. I didn't want to push any further than I already had and end up actually hurting him so I stopped and sat up.

Sesshomaru's head snapped up, eyes wide, and he whimpered for more. Chest heaving with his pants, his mouth open slightly, hair totally disheveled and face blushed perfectly.

I saw he hadn't moved his arms and I was tempted, oh so tempted, to vanish his bottoms and fuck him senseless; staring into those molten eyes the entire time. I wanted to find out how many times I could bring him to orgasm before he passed out. Then wake him up and have him suck my dick and cum on his face. 'Oh, kami!' My dick was painfully hard now.

'Why not?' I reasoned. 'After all, he's being such a good boy-'

Something punched my head, hard.

I turned and snarled ferally at whatever being that had a death wish. None were stupid enough to interrupt two such powerful beings during mating.

Beast gave me just enough time to realize I was essentially mentally masturbating before he cuffed my head again.

This time is was Sesshomaru who snarled. The sound of one protecting his mate. He was sitting on his elbows and had eyes narrowed and teeth bared.

Beast froze. Neither of us knew whether my brother would recognize him without fluffy's help in his current state of mind. Or what damage could be inflicted in my brain.

'Fuck.' I couldn't remember and or didn't know the inu for: don't get involved- I'm your alpha. So, I settled for shooting him a glare and settling more of my weight on him.

He huffed his acceptance but kept shifting glares to my beast. He also didn't lie back down.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and rubbed my face. And tried to will away my erection. It was just as hard, if not harder to will away a mental erection. I sighed and pulled up the image of Jaken Rin had given me.

'Bleh.' I shook the image away. 'That did it.'

When I opened my eyes I saw my brother looking up at me in confusion. He was wordlessly asking why I didn't dispose of the interloper and finish what I started. Not the confusion I was hoping for. I needed his stupid, arrogant, dick of a rationality in the eyes with confusion as to how he ended up like this. Because I was certain he wouldn't be on his back if he was in his right mind.

His expression changed.

'Kami, he's sexy.' He totally had "do me" face right now. He had dipped his head so he was looking up at me through hooded lids. His tongue darted around his lips and although the panting had slowed, it hadn't stopped.

'Nnnn... I want to. But I can't. But, kami-sama that face... No. No. You're supposed to be doing... something...'

 ** _~^'You wanna find out what happens to your kit or not?'^~_** Beast said harshly.

I felt my hair smack Sesshomaru in the face with the speed I used to turn my head to Beast. **~'What? Shippo? Something happened to Shippo?'~**

Beast nodded, his face twisted horribly.

My brother growled his disapproval when I leapt off him and grabbed Beast. **~'WHAT. HAPPENED. TO. MY. KIT?!'~** I roared.

Beast turned his head and I could feel the pain emanating from him. I even saw a tear...

I was scared. Beast wouldn't cry like that for no reason... **~'He better not be...'~** I didn't want to think it but I did, **~'dead.'~**

He continued to cry. I could feel the sorrow he was drowning in.

**~'He better not be fucking dead!!!'~**

He didn't respond in any way.

 **~'Are you FUCKING kidding me?! I didn't even mean to leave! I just needed a space to think! Kami fucking shit!'~** There were no words for my feelings and I swallowed them. **~'Can nothing _ever_ go right? I just wanted to sit and think about my life in peace for an hour. And yes, escape for a little bit. Is that so much to ask? After all I've gone through is it too much to ask that I be allowed to do that when fate throws me a shit storm?'~** I was mostly in shock and denial but there was a heavy edge of guilt and shame.

 **~'What the HELL happened?!'~** I demanded. There was a shred. A small, dangerous, shred of hope that Shippo could still be alive.

And I clung to it.

 

 

 

 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that's the worst cliffhanger in the existence of fanfiction. (It's totally not. But, it's still pretty bad.) I actually didn't want to end it there. But, the next scene is going to be over 10 pages so I thought it would be too much.
> 
> Plus, I kinda have a thing for cliffhangers. We're in love.


	7. What the Hell Happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gore of a sexual nature and gore in general. Implied attempted rape. There's nothing much there, at least nothing traumatizing (I hope), because I don't like N/C situations. 
> 
> There's also an addition to the how to read this story section. I think you can figure it out without it but I thought I'd warn you anyway. *Shrugs.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> -. Small break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

I paced as I waited for beast to calm himself enough to continue. I knew that what came next was painful for him. I had half my eye on my mate, I was worried he was still out of it and would do something stupid if left to himself. But he just sat, regally, under one of the trees that occupied the entry plane. He didn't acknowledge my hovering but in a way he did, since he avoided looking at me at all costs.

Damn it, I still REALLY wanted him.

'Oh shit.' My eyes widened as I stared at nothing. 'OH SHIT!' I tried not to think the thought but... 'I was totally about to mate my brother.' I swallowed nervously. 'Not fuck. MATE.' I shook my head trying to go into denial.

_^'Yeah, you should totally thank me.'^_

'Aw, fuck.' I ran my hands through my hair. 'Can Sesshomaru...' I trailed off looking at him. I knew he could hear my thoughts when he was in the box. 'But can he hear them now?'

_^'Biased on that blush I think the answer's yes.'^_

I groaned. I had no idea how to actually perform the mate bond but I had a feeling it was instinctual.

Thankfully Beast took plunged into a memory rather than taking the opportunity to educate me.  
-.

He was scared. It was his job to protect and now he'd gone and put his entire pack in danger. He knew his mate had felt the call though. He allowed himself a small amount of relief at that fact.

-.  
**~/Guilt. Shame. Sadness./~** Sesshomaru turned his head so I couldn't see his face.

He didn't feel self-destructive so I didn't pry into his mind. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear his thoughts anyway.  
-.

Beast coughed up several mouthfuls of blood. 'Shit, need to get blood under control if to hold off.' He realized he was getting fuzzy. He didn't want to lose control, it was hard to breathe and without his sense of smell he might hurt someone important to us.

When his vision started to go he had no choice.

He jammed two fingers into his collapsed lung and spread them in order to drain the blood. He couldn't remember anything else from the medical book that would be helpful.

It was enough.

He was able to focus again, just in time to hear the plan. The villagers were going to light the hut on fire and then hunt down the evil yokai. The other yokai had said I was still there. Wanting to but unable to protect the girl.

'If they burn down the hut they'll kill the pup!' He chanced poking his head out. 'They're too close, and I don't see anyone from my pack.' Which was a mixed blessing. If they were there they maybe could stop the assault, if they weren't they wouldn't get hurt.

He couldn't afford to wait. He tore a chunk of flesh out so he wouldn't have to keep his fingers in his chest-

-.  
**~/Nausea. Pain./ 'Nnnngh.'~**

My eyes flashed to my brother. I was briefly concerned he was hurting himself. But, no. 'It looks like he's going to be sick.' "Oi, asshole! Don't puke in my brain!"

I smirked when he glared at me. He no longer felt sick. As sick.   
-.

-the bleeding would kill him faster now, but at least he wouldn't have to do everything one handed.

He leapt off the roof and jumped through the hut's window. The landing inside the hut was sloppy. He'd underestimated how long it'd take him to bleed out.

He'd have to change his plan.

Beast located the Fire Rat and wrapped Rin up in it. Making sure every part of her was covered. Then, he looked for Tessaiga.

He could hear the villagers surrounding the hut. He snarled loudly to make sure none would enter.

"Hey, stop! Don't do that! I'm telling you! Lemme through! HEY!" Shippo's voice rang through the crowed.

Beast's eyes widened and he turned to the door in horror.

"Ow! STOP! No, I won't let you! Hey! OW!"

A whimper escaped beast's throat. He shook it off. 'I need the fang...'

"NOO!"

A scream.

"Ugh!" Shippo's grunt of pain was accented by the tang of blood in the air.

-.  
My heart stopped.  
-.

"DAD! THEY'RE GOING TO-" More blood, both ningen and Shippo's. "-AHHRGH! NOOOOO! I WON'T LET YOU HURT MY-" A canine yelp echoed off the mountainside.

-.  
I didn't realize I was on the ground until I was pulled into a warm chest.

 **~'Breathe.'~** Sesshomaru commanded.

Not really necessary because I _was_ but then I guess I needed to mentally breathe too because when I did I felt better. 'This is insane.'  
-.

Beast snapped. He loosed a guttural roar that shook the very ground. He stuck his claws back into his self inflicted wound and loosed an attack as soon as he exited the hut.

The blades of blood were dissipated greatly by the shields the holy people had erected in front of the attacking force. But those that were in the path were still cut deeply. Several fell.

Arrows, some flaming, rained down and without my armor several sunk deep into our body. Beast only bothered to dodge the holy ones. He knew he wasn't going to make it out alive. He shoved his claws back into the wound for more blood.

"You hurt my pup and my kit. Stop threatening my family and I'll let you live." He cracked his knuckles threateningly. 

But, the ningen seemed to know it was an empty gesture. He didn't have the yokai left to launch another attack. "Ready?" Someone called out and the archers prepared another volley.

"NOOO!" Another child's voice rang out.

"Fire!" And the volley was loosed.

Beast stared at the incoming arrows. He couldn't dodge all the holy ones this time. He raised his left arm to shield his face and twisted his body.

Holy energy burnt a hole in his arm and his leg. More normal arrows were lodged in various parts of his body. We both winced as we felt the pain of one ripping our ear. He absorbed a small amount of reiki from the attack and used it to stop the worst of the bleeding from his lung. The reiki wounds self cauterized.

-.  
'Was that a benifit of having my own reiki or something else?' My eyes widened when I noticed, 'We can absorb energy?'

 _^'Not enough for taking a hit to be worth it.'^_ Beast muttered sadly.

I understood what he meant. In order to stop the bleeding of his chest wound the arrows had done a lot more damage than they should have. His arm and leg were basically useless now.  
-.

Beast's sense of smell was rendered useless as the smoke from the burning hut behind him thickened.

He coughed up what he hoped was the last mouthful of blood and held it in his mouth. He didn't have the energy to do the blades of blood but he could infuse the mouthful with the same energy and spit the denser weapon at the closest enemy.

His eyes caught movement and he focused on something unbelievable: Shiori, the little bat hanyou had a barrier up and was protecting Shippo with everything she had.

'Damn it! Now she's in danger too!' Although he was very glad someone was protecting his kit since he couldn't.

Some idiot decided that I was weak enough he could approach. We killed him with that mouthful and it became harder to stand.

The ringing of the alarms was giving beast a headache. Even if he only had one ear that wasn't full of blood. He was tempted to shake out the offensive liquid but didn't think he'd be able to stay upright if he did. 'Why the fuck are those still ringing, isn't everyone already here?!'

My- our question was answered by a massive explosion at the front gate.

Screaming.

The angry mob became a distracted panicked mob as another explosion threw shreds of the nearest building in all directions.

Beast hesitated for a full second.

'If I go back for the pup... But the kit... The pup has armor.' He prayed that would be enough and he started hobbling to the kit and his protector. He couldn't allow the chance for two to get injured. Even if one wasn't pack. We'd protected her in the past. It was close enough.

-.  
'Plus she doesn't deserve to die for protecting what I'm supposed to.'

_^'Yeah, yeah. That too.'^_

I could feel Sesshomaru roll his eyes. I poked him in the rib. Hard.

 **~/Pain. Irritation./~** He wisely kept his mouth shut. But he rolled his eyes again.  
-.

Beast approached the pair.

"Stay back! I won't let you hurt him!" Shiori warned.

"It's me, you don't remember? With the sword?" Beast was cursing his inability to use names.

She was wary and didn't drop her shield.

Beast could tell she was getting tired. Apparently it was difficult to maintain the shield without the gem. "C'mon. I hav'ta save him and the pup in the burning building. Then we need ta get the fuck outta here."

She stared at Beast for a long second before dropping her shield.

Beast scooped up Shippo and stuck him in his haori. "Wait by the door." He ordered the girl as he ducked inside the hut. 'Fuck! The smoke is killer!' /Concern./ 'The pup's been breathing this in...'

He grabbed the pup and set her outside the hut. "Protect her. The haori will protect her from human weapons." He went back in for the Tessaiga.

'Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where the fuck is it?'

"Inuyasha!" Shiori called.

He heard the pup coughing. 'Good, she's breathing. Still need to find the fucking fang.' He coughed. The fire was burning him and the smoke was too thick to see the hand at the end of his arm.

"She says she has the Tessaiga!"

'Thank you.' He said to the kami and got out of the hut as fast as he could.

"C'mon!" He grabbed Rin and threw her over his shoulder and took the hanyou's hand. His eyes were watering and it was hard for him to see. He coughed violently but kept moving.

He hid deep inside Midoriko's cave. Set Rin down gently. And fell onto his back so as not to hurt Shippo.

"Inuyasha!" Shori cried.

'Damn, it's like being with the bitch all over again. Inuyasha, Inuyasha, Inuyasha. Fucking annoying.'

-.  
I laughed. It was true. I was just as bad though.

Then I felt bad. Worse than bad. I missed her. I felt guilty.

Sesshomaru pulled me back into him and rested his head on mine.

I nuzzled into his neck and refused to think about why I shouldn't be doing this. I just accepted the small token of comfort.  
-.

"'M fin' 'nough." The adrenaline had run out. Beast had little yokai and no reiki left. 'Need sleep. Conserve...'

-.  
_^'Then I passed out. I don't know for how long. The pups' screams woke me up.'^_  
-.

The first thing I noticed was there was a spear through my stomach pinning me to the ground. 'Damn it! Why is it always the fucking stomach?! Every fucking time!!'

"Get away from me! DON'T TOUCH ME!" Rin shrieked.

We smelt ningen men. They were aroused.

-.  
My brother let out a terrifying growl. **~/Rage./~**

I felt the same amount of murderous anger but mine was tinged with guilt.

 ** _~^'Calm down and let me talk. Think. Show you what happened. Whatever.'^~_**  
-.

Beast tried to sit up to protect her but the spear prevented the action. 'DAMN IT! I'm so fucking weak!' He broke the spear off and stood up.

Rin took the opportunity Beast's distraction caused to stab the man holding her in the heart. She twisted the knife and he dropped like a rock, ripping the dagger from her hand and her kimono from her shoulder.

The other literally shit himself in fear. Beast's growls were the things of nightmares. I could only imagine his face.

"You DARE touch MY pup?!" He barked.

Before the ningen could answer Beast severed his manhood from him and shoved it in his screaming mouth. He watched with malicious glee as the man choked and bled to death.

-.  
Sesshomaru took some satisfaction from the fact that both men were dead. He just wished they would have suffered longer.

I could practically hear the torturous suggestions running through his head. I had a few of my own.  
-.

Beast gathered Rin into his arms and held her tight, rubbing her back and pulling her kimono back up over her shoulder. "You ok, Pup?" We could smell the salt of her tears and she was trembling.

 **~'I'm fine, Beast. Thank you for saving me.'~** She let out a shuddering breath. **~'I'll check on Shiori.'~** She pulled back, eyes wide. "SHIPPO!" She shouted.

We winced at the sudden exclamation and our ears flattened to our head.

**~"You have to go save him! He woke up and gave you all his yokai. He was sleeping to replenish when the men came. A woman took him, we have to find him!"~**

Beast growled. **~'Show me!'~**

Rin showed Beast her memory.

-.  
She'd spent too much reiki healing us and was resting. The kit was already asleep. The hanyou was keeping watch but she too was spent. She kept nodding off. Every once in a while a snore would wake our pup and she'd snap at the hanyou from her spot cuddled at my side. She'd also lift her head to check on the kit who was cuddled against us at the side nearest the cave entrance.

The pup woke to an evil high pitched laugh.

"Found them!" The yokai had black hair and three green stripes across her cheeks. She had a black mokomoko wrapped around her shoulders. Her skin was bone white and there was something distinctly feline about her.

-.  
Sesshomau growled at the sight of her.

I shushed him, I knew we were nearing the end of Beast's tale.  
-.

The pup let out a (very non-threatening ningen sounding) growl.

The hanyou leapt into action. She attacked the yokai onna but was smacked into the side of the cave so viciously the wall cracked around her form.

"Shiori-chan!" The pup cried.

The pup glared at the yokai and stood in front of the still unconscious kit and us. "Who are you? What do you want?"

The yokai looked down at the pup. "You're Sesshomaru's ward, yes?"

She didn't miss the fact that the yokai didn't add the honorific. She considered her answer for a second. The pup jerked her head up and held it proudly, looking the onna straight in the eye. "That's right. And you are?"

The yokai turned to the ningen men peering around her. "You can have her. Make sure she suffers but she lives."

The men rubbed their hands together greedily and one of them licked his lips.

The pup gulped. She didn't have the reiki left to thwart both of them at the same time. 'I can't stop them and no one knows where we are. Oh, Kami-sama. Maybe if I keep screaming Inuyasha will wake up. Or Shippo-kun. Hell, even Shiori-chan would help.'

She put on her bravest face. "You wouldn't DARE touch me. Sesshomaru-sama will know and he'll kill you slowly and painfully. _Very_ painfully." She glared with her last threat.

The onna laughed the annoying laugh again and still none of those who were unconscious stirred. "I don't think so little one. As we speak he's fending off an army. They'll wear him out and I'll arrive just in time to describe what happened to you. I think I'll take this kit as proof." She yanked the kit up by the tail and he didn't even twitch.

"NO!" The pup screamed, praying that her shrill shriek would wake someone, anyone. She crawled over my body to try to snatch the kit away.

The yokai hung the kit out of the pup's reach and laughed again.

-.  
I was so angry at her and mostly myself I was shaking. 'This is ALL my fault! If I'd been there no one would have been low on energy. I could have protected them. I SHOULD have been there!'

Sesshomaru wiped tears that had yet to fall from my eyes. I swatted his hand away, pushed away from him and ordered Beast to continue.  
-.

The yokai shoved the pup out of the way and she couldn't help the cry of pain when she hit the cave wall opposite the hanyou. "Oh, who do we have here?"

She peered into my face and leapt back, hissing like a cat.

"Inuyasha!" She snarled. She grabbed the nearest ningen's spear and shoved it though my stomach with her free hand.

A cat like yowl rang through the fading light.

The yokai's head snapped up. "I'll be back! Do what you wish."

The pup winced as she heard the kit's tail snap at the speed the yokai left.   
-.

"Well? What are you waiting for?! Go find her and get Shippo-kun back!!" Rin finished.

She didn't need to tell us twice. Beast shot out of the cave like a bullet. He didn't bother to heal the hole in his stomach. He had felt the yokai onna's power and he knew he'd need that energy for the fight that was sure to ensue. We were both glade the reiki wounds were gone at least.

We followed the kit's scent into the middle of the village.

The cunt (she didn't deserve to be called a bitch) was standing over a fallen neko-yokai and was bleeding profusely.

'This is going to be easy.' She was out of yokai and was close to collapsing.

Beast let out a guttural roar so terrifying everyone who heard it stopped their fights and turned to the source.

The offending yokai onna didn't even get a chance to scream before her head was parted from her shoulders. Beast cut her into a mush with his claws, occasionally throwing the odd bone or spine over his shoulder, when he felt finished he stepped on her head. Relishing the feeling of brain matter between his toes. The scene caused many of the invading force to retreat.

Beast was having none of it. He went to draw the fang but it rejected him. 'That's just stupid! Seriously, what the fuck?!'

He decided to stick with our old attacks. They took less yokai energy than when I was collared and did as much damage as before the stupid beads. None of the invading yokai survived.

Beast was about to turn on the villagers who had hurt his pup but Miroku pulled him out of his homicidal rage.

"INUYASHA, BEAST! Your master wouldn't want these people killed." He initiated a link.

-.  
I disagreed yet agreed at the same time. They needed to be punished at least. 'Preferably painfully. Like a maiming. They would have trouble attacking people with a limb missing.'  
-.

Beast was thinking along the same lines and denied the link.

"Beast! Have you seen Rin-sama or Shippo-kun?" Sango called.

'The kit!' Beast snapped out of his rage.

"The pup is in the cave with the komori-hanyou, go check on them!" He ordered them both.

He started sniffing frantically for the kit.

-.  
Beast broke out of the story to allow a sob to escape.

I smelt his tears. Which, when I realized I could smell his tears, was insane. We were in a place with no real physical form. Right? So, I was creating the scent? "Urgh." I was, somehow, giving myself a headache.

I pulled out of my future-mate's arms and wrapped mine around my Beast's chest, leaning my head against his taller shoulder.

 **~'Show me.'~** I commanded.  
-.

He found the kit. It was next to the neko-yokai's body.

The yokai let out a shuddering breath and Beast absentmindedly ripped his heart from his chest and threw it into the wall of a random hut with one bloody clawed hand while grabbing Shippo with the other.

The kit was cold. Our heart stopped.

Beast did everything he could, but it was no use. There was no yokai left in him and without it beast couldn't establish a link to give him some. He tried what Kagome's books called CPR but it was no use.

The kit was dead.

-.  
I started laughing.

I laughed so hard tears ran down my face and I fell to the ground, holding my sides and kicking the air.

I could feel my head-mates' concern for my sanity but ignored them.

'They didn't notice! Oh, kami-sama! Thank you, thank you, thank you!' I tried to get my giggles under control so I could explain to them.

I had no luck.

"Don't you see? Didn't you notice?"

 **~'No.'~** They said at the same time. Both wary of approaching in case I snapped.

"Shippo's ALIVE! That was one of his doubles! He enchanted something with his fox magic to make it look like him."

Then it occurred to me.

'If Shippo's alive where the hell is he?'

 

 

 

 .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger? Really?! C'mon, man!  
> Sorry. This is the part of chapter six that I cut off so it wouldn't be so long. I would continue this short chapter but the chapter wouldn't have proper flow.  
> \----  
> Thank you:  
> Everyone who left a review at any given point in time. I'm glad you're enjoying my story and I hope you continue to do so. I'm sorry there isn't much sex yet, but don't worry, there will be lots in later chapters!  
> naturechild02 on DA who gave me the idea to change the formatting to make mind-speak more noticeable. You can find her on twitter: @authormkrepps and on AFF: MarieKrepps  
> Rumiko Takahashi-sama for her wonderful stories and characters that made this story possible.  
> \----  
> Disclaimer:   
> I don't own anything. Well, actually I own a lot of shit. Some of it is pretty cool. All of it is worth next to nothing. I really don't own anything that is in the Inuyasha universe. I kinda own this plot and all OC that come with it. No profit is made from this little gem. But, due to the nature of bi-polar I probably won't finish it. So... yeah. I don't care if you want to finish it if I haven't updated in over a year.   
> \----  
> Other notes:  
> If anyone knows of a pdf site I can upload this story to I can add color coding to further help with any confusion about who's speaking please msg me.  
> \----  
> Update:  
> Chapter 8 is partially written and scheduled for update on 6/16/16 it takes longer because I actually try to edit this one. Follow me on Tumblr at http://www.tumblr.com/blog/theartone for updates on all my writing/drawing and on twitter: @GizmoTrinket for updates pertaining only to this story.


	8. An Explanation... Sorta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little squiffy here. Attempted rape. *Sigh.* I really didn't want to write another N/C situation but it honestly has to happen. Ok, it doesn't have to happen. But it makes for the best flow and explanation. I'm sorry. I'll try not to make it too graphic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> -. Small break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.

I kicked everyone out of my head and returned to my... body, the outside world. Whatever. 'This whole not knowing the right words for everything is getting annoying.' When I was... re-melded with my... body...  (Sigh.) I realized I was STARVING.

'What the fuck, Beast?'

_^'What? I was depressed!'^_

'Yeah, and you were depressed because you were weak. So, you just decided to weaken yourself further?!' I scolded him with alpha in my mental voice. 'And you call me an idiot.'

He felt guilt and he felt stupid. He also felt irritated.

I groaned. I felt Rin's reiki, hovering, and allowed it to link.

**~'Finally!' /Wary./ 'Is Father awake yet? Fluffy is acting all weird and won't let me in.'~**

I tried to sit up to look but I couldn't. I was wrapped tightly in mokomoko. I struggled and Sesshomaru came over to me. "Oi, get this thing off of me will ya?"

There was no response. I looked up and met red eyes. 'Great, fluffy's taken over.' /Panic./ 'Did Sesshomaru get back into his body? Did he get lost somehow?' I looked her in the eye and created a link. **~'Hey, is your master home?'~**

**~'He is not my master. We are equals.'~**

I sighed and worked on prying mokomoko off of me. **~'Great, fine, whatever. Is he there?'~**

**~'He is.'~**

/Relief./ I wasn't separating my conversations but fluffy wasn't allowing Rin to hear her responses. **~'No, fluffy's in charge. She wants something, I think.'~**

_^'Master, be careful! I think she intends to mate you by force.'^_

'Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?!' I was exhausted, weak, wrapped up in some semi-sentient part of my fate intended mate and worried about one of my... pups, children, I was worried about my kit. There was no way in all the hells of any religion I was going to let myself be mated like this. My struggles increased.

~" **Get the pup out of this conversation."~** Her tone was threatening and the scents rolling off her, as well as her body language, she was crawling toward me with a hand on the tie of her kimono told me Beast was right.

 **~'Inuyasha... is everything ok?'~** Rin stumbled on not adding an honorific to my name. She knew I didn't like them.

I ignored the stab of guilt that came from that stumble. She hadn't used my name in too long.

_^'Get rid of the pup. You're going to have to fight for dominance. If she succeeds she will be the dominant one and you'll have to bear the pups... And you're not... equipped properly to do so. She'll eventually kill you.'^_

'WHAT?!'

"Tell her yes. You know what will happen if you don't." She growled in inu, her voice thick with alpha.

'Kami-sama fucking shit! And I thought Sesshomaru was terrifying!'  **~'Yeah, Rin. I'm gonna try to calm her down. Go to Miroku and Sango. Stay there until I say.'~** I only sent her strong determination. I did not send her my fear or any other of the horrible emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

_^'She doesn't know that you can only create pups like a human male can. Even if you were you wouldn't be able to carry them through your human night. Once she figures that out you'll be faulty and she'll kill you, true mate or not. And I don't think she intends to mark you as her true mate.'^_

'How would a male... oh.' I'd pondered this, of course. I knew that penetration was necessary and I knew far too much about human mating habits due to a filthy monk. Human onna created their own lube so rutting with men was (if done properly) pleasurable. Human men were able to get pleasure from penetration as well. He'd said a well placed finger during orgasm could make you black out. I was horny enough to try this during one of my hot springs runs. Chewing off my claw did not cut it. Nor did filing it down.

Penetration fucking hurt without lube and that was just a finger. Plus, her claws weren't trimmed and, as far as I understood, some prep was necessary.

I'd assumed that Sesshomaru had a plan for this during our mating. Beast told me that lesser yokai had invented a lube that worked well for elderly partners, male and female, that could no longer produce enough natural lubricant. Or that animal fat could be used in a pinch.

Gross, but preferable to what fluffy had in mind.

Rin hesitated.

Fluffy removed the kimono but held onto the tie. I forced myself to remember that it wasn't Sesshomaru's chest I was seeing. She moved to my feet that were succeeding in the battle against the absurdly long mokomoko.

'This is, without a doubt, the absolute most fucked up situation I've ever been in ever.' **~'Rin! Go, NOW.' /Arousal./'~** I didn't really want to send her that, hell, I didn't want to feel the little amount I did ('cuz even though she wasn't Sesshomaru she still smelt and looked like him and that was completely fucked up) but it was the only thing I could think of that would get rid of her and would keep her out of the way during the upcoming fight.

And there would be a fight.

I forced Beast to merge with me. Together we growled out the inu for, "You are the bitch. We are dominant. If you relent we will make it enjoyable."

She barked a laugh then yelped when we ran our claws through mokomoko.

"We are prepared to fight." We layered our voice with as much alpha as we could.

Her eyes narrowed.

'Where the fuck is Sesshomaru?!' I really didn't want to hurt mokomoko or Sesshomaru's body. Beast really didn't give a flying fuck and was actually looking forward to some bloodletting. _^'If you care that much go get him, dumbass.'^_

'Go where?' I asked as it dawned on me. 'Duh, into Sesshomaru's brain.' I retreated and gave control of the body to Beast.

 _^'Don't do more than you have to but don't let us be fucked.'^_ I warned, totally meaning the double entendre.

He slashed into mokomoko again and growled at Fluffy. 'Yeah, yeah. Whatever.' He sounded dismissive but I knew he understood and wouldn't take it too far.

I took a deep breath. Beast had told me other people could wipe us and or take control. It only made sense that the reverse would be true. On the mental exhale I threw a link, as hard as I could, into fluffy.

She tried to resist and I could feel the mental joy Beast had at the opportunity provided by my distraction. I didn't risk any of my focus to find out if he capitalized on it, fluffy's defense had cracked and I shoved into her brain.

\----

This was different than going into someone's brain that wanted you there. It was also different because I wasn't going in to take control or even look at the body. I was going in to look for the sane part of my half-brother. I figured if I couldn't find him I'd move on to subduing fluffy.

That was the plan.

The problem with the plan was that I sucked at making plans. Even before the beads and all that shit I was more of a fight it, if I can't win I run away kind of guy. And I didn't go looking for a fight. Well, until Kagome. And Kikyo. Urgh.

I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I was in a sort of palace. But everything was... off. It was disorienting as fuck. There really was no point in trying to be subtle, not that I'd be any good at it. So, I shouted, "OI, SESSHOMARU!"

When there was no response I wandered around. I was briefly tempted to just windscar the entire building but I didn't know if that would cause brain damage or something and he really didn't need to be _more_ unbalanced.

I found a courtyard area and looked out to see just how big this place was.

It was _huge._

There were several levels and when I climbed the outside of the building to the roof the complex seemed to go on forever.

"Ohhhhh... Fuck that." I let go of the building and fell to the ground. I decided to try to reach Sesshomaru with my mind-speak to see if he could tell me where to go. **~'Sesshomaru? Can you hear me?'~**

There was no response.

**~'Sesshomaru? If you can hear me you really need to respond. Fluffy's out of control.'~**

Nothing.

"Fuck."

I really had no idea what to do from here. I knew I needed to take control of the body and subdue fluffy but I had no idea how to do that. I paced, back and forth across a stone path trying to come up with anything helpful.

I tried willing myself into the conscious part of Sesshomaru's body.

Nothing.

I tried calling fluffy to me.

Nothing.

I climbed to the roof to see if there was some way to leave the palace area and after running across two buildings it didn't seem like there was.

"Well, shit. Now what do I do?!" I was frustrated and angry. I didn't have time for this shit. I didn't have time to deal with fluffy. I didn't have time to figure out how my stupid powers worked. I didn't have time for ANYTHING because I had to go save Shippo.

"You know what? Fuck it!" I took my fang from my side and aimed it at the nearest building. **~'If you can hear me, wherever you are, you might want to hide because I'm going to do what I do best...'~** I pulled the needed yokai from the link I was using with Beast. "WINDSCAR!!"

The building was obliterated. It was kind of fun. I hadn't touched the tessaiga since Kagome. Some part of me felt I didn't deserve it. I got it because of her and since she wasn't around anymore it didn't seem right to use it.

"WINDSCAR!"

Another building collapsed. I couldn't blame myself forever. By punishing myself I'd hurt the ones who still needed me. Kagome wouldn't thank me for abandoning Shippo. She wouldn't thank me for making Sango and Miroku worry.

"WINDSCAR!"

"And another one bites the dust." I laughed. They had the strangest music in the future. Kagome had translated that song for me from ... English, I think it was called.

Yes, I loved Kagome.

Just like I loved Kikyo.

I had hurt Kagome by holding onto the dead. By holding onto Kikyo. Now I was hurting my pack by holding onto the dead. By holding onto Kagome.

"It's time to move on." I mumbled to myself.

"Took you long enough."

I whirled around to face Sesshomaru. The taller bastard was more masculine and, impossibly, more immaculate than in reality. "If this is how you see yourself you are _stupidly_ vain."

He rolled his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about, but we should probably stop my beast if we're to find your kit."

My eyes widened in surprise. "Did you set this all up?"

He glared at me. **~'Of course not. Fluffy took advantage of my disorientation in order to give me what she thinks I want. And take what she wants.'~**

"So, wait, what?" I thought he wanted me as his mate. Was that not true? Was- "ARGH!" I shouted as the palace disappeared and we were standing in front of the massive true form of my brother.

"He freed you then?"

"I am perfectly capable of freeing myself." He retorted to the large inu.

"Yeah, that's why you didn't come until he destroyed the building I was holding you in." She barked a laugh.

"ENOUGH!" He ordered, voice dripping with alpha.

She raised her hackles and growled.

They stared at each other for a long moment. They seemed to be having an argument or discussion or were fighting for dominance. I wasn't really sure what they were doing. I wasn't sure how to help either. I wanted to go back into my body. We were floating in some sort of space that looked like the sky but was full. But not full at the same time. That was dark as pitch and light as the brightest sun at the same time.

I hated it.

After a little bit I got edgy. I was feeling more like myself, less depressed. I felt great. Like before Kagome, where my head was all clear. And after Kagome arrived, where I had a pack. And my pack was in danger.

And these two still. Weren't. Moving.

"ARUGH!" I threw up my hands after pacing became too little.

Neither of them blinked.

I wasn't sure if yelling at them would result in something good happening or not. Without Beast I wasn't really privy to all the inu rules or the yokai ones. I knew that not breaking eye contact was serious in inu and they were likely fighting for dominance.

I didn't really know what that meant for a yokai.

Did who ever won take control of the body? What happened to the other?

I felt like that was something I _should_ know and the lifelong resentment I felt at being abandoned filled me again. I growled but quickly stopped, I abandoned Shippo. I had a shitty selfish reason for doing so and it was only for two years but...

My breath left my mouth in an angry huff.

'Maybe Sesshomaru had the same thing. Dad died, he was way young, like, thirteen or something-ish. What happened to the West?' I stretched my neck. "Damn it." I really did need to hear him out with an open mind.

Open-ish.

They were still staring at each other.

'Do their eyes get dry?' I blinked reflexively at the thought. Then I dismissed it, clearly they didn't. They could probably control the sensation since this was their brain. Or something.

I watched them more closely, they weren't moving, but their faces were twitching. So little that I wouldn't have been able to notice if I hadn't been watching for it and wasn't super human. An eye twitch here, a brow twitch there. A lip twitch...

Beast could probably tell me what was going on. How I could help. And what the possible outcomes were.

"Oh, FUCK!" My eyes widened in horror. 'What was happening to Beast, to me?! What if this is just some illusion to stall me?!'

"Fine. Agreed." Sesshomaru said just as my last thought finished.

I was ejected from their head.

\----

"Ungh." I rubbed my head. I had the _worst_ headache.

_^'Welcome back. /Cheerful./'^_

'Yeah, yeah.' I checked myself over. Not sore in any places. Fully clothed. Although the garments had seen better days.

Sesshomaru moved and I looked over. Normal golden eyes. Good.

"Out." I ordered.

He looked insulted.

I rolled my eyes. "I need to change. Then we'll go find Shippo."

He gave me a flat look. **~'Really? I've already seen-'~**

I kicked him out of my head before he could finish that thought, Comment. Whatever. And pointed to the door. "Get."

He eyed me, probably wondering if he actually had to obey. I watched his nose twitch and could partially hear the war in his head.

'Do I have to? I'm the lord of the west. I don't take orders. But, he's my mate. I have to make him happy.'

Beast snickered at my inner monologue.

I glared and he huffed, flipped his hair over his shoulder and exited. "This Sesshomaru will go tend to important matters."

I initiated a link, because I wanted to make fun of him, not because I didn't want to feel him close to me or anything.

_^'Liar.'^_

  **~'Important matters like grooming and bonding with your daughter that is royally pissed at you? Gonna go beg for forgiveness? Or are you going to go bathe and change into a less bloody kimono? 'Cuz you look like you got your ass kicked.'~**

He growled too low for ningen to hear in response and I laughed.

Things were _finally_ looking up.

\----

Once I was back in the fire-rat with tessiga tucked at my side I stretched and shook myself. I'd used a piece of cloth torn from the ruined clothing to clean myself well enough. Spending all that time depressed and filthy had given me a little bit of a complex about being too clean.

Beast had neglected to eat in his depression so food sounded like a really good idea. I hopped out the window, found a nice boar outside and devoured it raw.

'Good.'

_^'You can't avoid this forever.'^_

'Yeah, yeah.' I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. I'd taught Shippo all about running away and hiding. How to leave a trail if he ever got kidnapped after the first time I'd had to track him down (what was the deal with everyone always getting kidnapped around me?) and he was good at it. Plus I taught him how to make a double of himself to avoid being kidnapped altogether.

No matter how tired the kit was he would wake if someone broke his tail. It was quite sensitive and stupid bones were covered in... nerves. Nerve endings? Meh, they were super sensitive.

I rolled my shoulders and jump ran over to the burial area. There was a small mound covered in flowers (clearly Rin's doing) and a rock etched with his name. I sniffed it and didn't smell remains.

_^/Hope./^_

I started digging.

"Really, now. _Must_ you be so uncivilized?" Sesshomaru's voice was oozing distaste.

Rin, who I could smell behind him, smacked him.

I was digging as a dog would. **~'It's better. Shaddup.'~** This way I wouldn't harm his remains and I'd be able to find the-

"YES!" I let out a triumphant whoop as I held the small figure above my head.

Beast started dancing in my head.

Rin initiated a link and I could feel her joy. She'd watched me train Shippo in this when she wasn't in miko training.

However, Sesshomaru felt alarm. His nose was twitching wildly.

I tilted my head in silent question but got no response. I looked back at the figure and examined it. It was filthy but... There was a... hair? Yes. I pulled the long slivery-white hair that was wrapped around it and sniffed it. It kinda smelt like Sesshomaru.

I looked back at him, for a split second feeling the accusation but when I met his eyes it was clear. The owner of this hair was not his. It was a relative.

He wouldn't open his mouth but he told us both: **~'Mother.'~**

 

 

 

 

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter! I wanted to go into politics but I realized that would make the chapter too long and this would flow better. Better to put the boring plot stuff at the beginning when you have a decent attention span. ;)
> 
> Thank you:  
> Everyone who is still with me. I'm sorry I took a break from this story. My life snapped out of control, as life tends to do, and I wasn't in the proper headspace to write. I'm back now though.


	9. An Apology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OMG they're going to actually talk OMG!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm alllliiiiiiiive! God, I'm sorry it's taken me this long to update. I've been working on this chapter off and on for seven months. You've no idea how hard it is to write for two fandoms simultaneously.  
> \----  
> -How to read this story:  
> \---- Section break.  
> -. Small break.  
> "...(none)..." Speaking aloud. +Internal +External.  
> '...(none)...' Thinking. +Internal.  
> ^'...(italics)...'^ Inner consciousness (beast/yokai/whomever) thinking. +Internal.  
> ~'...(bold)...'~ Mind-speak. Reiki +/- Yokai + Internal.  
> ~"...(bold)..."~ Mind-speak and speaking aloud simultaneously. +Reiki +Yokai +Internal +External.  
> ~^'...(italics + bold)...'^~ Inner consciousness using mind-speak. +Internal +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> /...(none).../ Emotional response. Internal. +/-Reiki +/-Yokai.  
> ~/...(bold).../~ Emotional response received through link. +Internal.  
> ^/...(italics).../^ Inner consciousness's emotional response. +Internal.  
> ~^/...(italics + bold).../^~ Inner consciousness's emotional response sent or received through link. +Internal +Reiki +Yokai.  
> \+ Always.  
> +/- Can be chosen to be included or not.  
> Internal: Can be heard/felt/whatever by inner consciousness(es).  
> External: Can be heard if the consciousness(es) have ears and are in range.  
> Reiki: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using holy energy to link.  
> Yokai: Can be heard/felt/whatever by consciousness(es) that are using yokai energy to link.  
> ____

I frowned at him. I could tell he was serious, but I couldn't read his expression and he had shut off the part of the link that allowed me to sense his emotions. Was Shippo safe in her care? Was he happy?

But mostly I wondered, **~'How do we get him back?'~**

"We'll just go and talk to her. I'm sure it'll be fine." Rin said dismissively.

Both Sesshomaru and I turned to her with equal expressions of shock. I recovered faster and got to see the foreign expression on my mate's (yes, I'd completely given up fighting it) face. While it should have been funny to see him staggered it seriously worried me. I stared at him until his face returned to normal and we both watched each other, communicating through expression alone.

His concern for my kit, my mixed but mostly negative feelings about going to our ancestral home and meeting his mother, his protectiveness toward his daughter/pup/hidden tenshi and pleasure at finally having me at his side where I belonged.

I felt myself lick my bottom lip and bite it, exposing one fang.

He exhaled as his eyes followed my tongue's movement. I could see the struggle for him not to mimic me.

That was... hot, painfully sexy... nice.

_'We both have to agree before you can mate him properly.'_ Beast reminded me.

He told me that the strongest links came from trust and agreement from all parties on the first... mating.

_'Rutting.'_ Beast crudely corrected.

My father had mated Sesshomaru's mother without her beast's trust. There had to be more of a story there than just a political move but I didn't know it. I wondered if Sesshomaru did and if he'd tell me one day.

But, most importantly true mates had to bind to one another, heart and soul. In order to do this I needed to actually talk to the bastard.

God! That was going to be _fucking_ _awful._

But good communication and a solid foundation was probably important to a good relationship.

Probably.

**~'You are aware she'll kill him on sight.'~** Sesshomaru sounded mentally horrified. The expression didn't show on his face.

I wondered, briefly, if that was a royalty thing or a Sesshomaru thing. 'Will I be expected to do that ice face thing?'

Beast didn't respond.

Rin shrugged. **~'We'll see.'~** She thought smugly. She clearly thought differently.

While I trusted Rin's judgment on most people I didn't trust this. She hadn't seen the... reigning Lady person since she got her sight (had she?) so she couldn't possibly know. I was the result of an affair. I doubt the female yokai could have mated again. There had to be some bitterness and there was probably a reasonable reason she didn't take me in.

And a reason why Sesshomaru was still making eye-twitchy huffs at his pup. Our pup.

I listened to the familiar buzz of them blocking me out of the mental conversation they were holding through me. Beast calmed his agitated pacing in my brain and I admired the work that Shippo put into his little figure. It was a nine tailed kitsune and although I could tell he had carved it himself it was still better than most trained humans could accomplish.

**~'Gods, I miss him so much.'~** I didn't realize I was projecting until Rin took my free hand.

**~'We all do, Inuyasha-sa- gomen.'~** Her nose wrinkled as she cut off the honorific. "We'll get him back. You'll see; it'll all be ok."

I sighed. "In my experience, Rin, nothing ever works out the way it should." I patted her hand and looked away to blink rapidly.

**~'This time, brother, things will be different.'~**

**~'Could you maybe not call me that when we're supposed to... you know?'~** I made a vaguely crude hand gesture.

My head was filled with his mental laughter and his lips twitched into a small smile. Rin let out a loud laugh before covering her mouth with her hands.

Sango was approaching. "What's going on?" She asked us before she'd be able to hear a response. She was clearly accustomed to working with nervous yokai. She made sure to announce her presence and her intentions.

I plucked the hair from the figure and lobbed it at her.

She caught it and I felt my heart swell with pride. Sango was tough, smart and not just for a human; male or female. It was sad the only way she could get the respect she deserved was by creating her own town. So far the village was too far away from any strategic point to be attacked by fighting lords, human or yokai. I wondered how long it would last. 'I _will_ be here for her when it happens.' I vowed.

_'Good.'_ Beast agreed.

One good thing would be that whatever idiot decided to attack them would underestimate them. A town of mostly women and weak men? They'd think and would be slaughtered. Sango had a more realistic view on human... mortality than Kagome did. She'd defend her way of life to the last fighter. Sango was one of the most honorable beings I knew. Pity her lifespan was so short.

"What is this?" Sango asked when she was close enough to hear an answer. However, she noticed the dug up grave at the same time. "Shippo?" She asked, hope saturating the name.

"Alive." Rin said.

"We think." Sesshomaru added.

Sango frowned at him and narrowed her eyes.

"His mother took him." I pointed at the idiot with my thumb. "We can't be sure what she's up to but we're pretty sure she'll keep him alive 'cuz she wants me."

"Well, what are you waiting for then?! Go get him!"

"We do not yet know this Sesshomaru's honorable mother's intentions for Inuyasha-sama. We must know that he'll be safe before we endanger both of them. It is likely Inuyasha-sama's kit will be safe until we come for him." Sesshomaru explained.

Sango flinched every time he used the honorific on my name. "That's..." She lost her train of thought.

I guessed she was torn between saying it was weird to hear the bastard talk about me like that and saying that the situation we were in probably had a simple fix.

"Indeed."

I had no idea what he agreed with her on.

She stood up straight. "Right. So, how can I help?"

The bastard raised one eyebrow and asked condescendingly, "You?"

Sango clenched her fists at the insult. "Yes, me."

"This is not a battle against the evil of a rogue yokai. Fighting this Sesshomaru's honorable mother would be declaring war on all white Inuyokai and possibly all black and brown Inuyokai as well. It is a fight a mere ningen onna cannot win."

I could _see_ Sango's rage rising to the surface and decided to intervene. "Right. Then she probably don't wanna fight then."

Sesshomaru shot me a flat look as my grasp of the language kept devolving. It was clearly irritating him and I responded by smiling innocently except for one flashed fang.

He retaliated by opening the emotional part of the link and showing me exactly how my fangs made him feel.

"Kami-sama! Are they always like that?" Sango looked disgusted.

"Uh-huh!" Rin nodded with innocent glee. "They're very sweet."

"Urgh. Disgusting."

Sesshomaru shot Sango a small glare. Not the terrifying one, one of the nice ones. The one that reminded her exactly who she was insulting. "Enough." He demanded.

I wanted to growl, to show him he wasn't the boss. I was the pack leader and he needed to look to me before scolding the current... alpha female if he... wanted... to...

"Oh... _fuck._ " I murmured.

_^'Yeah...'^_ Beast agreed.

If I was going to be alpha then I'd have to rule the West and there was no way in fuck I was going to even attempt to do that.

**~'I shall be the alpha.'~** Apparently the bastard caught onto my thoughts.

I mentally scowled at Beast for not closing the links for me, he mentally rolled his eyes back and I decided if I was going to die by explaining just who would be alpha then I didn't really want to do it in front of the pup or involve the town. Or Sango.

The tall idiot was bristling, catching the edges of my thoughts and emotions through the links I never bothered to shut but wasn't using to project. He was preparing for a mentally verbose argument.

I could already hear all his points and agreed with every last one. He was more mature, more knowledgeable, more able to manage our assets (including the double entandre), but...

**_~^'Butt indeed.'^~_** Beast laughed.

I blushed redder than my fire rat.

Sesshomaru's eye twitched twice before he figured it out. **~'Well... To borrow an expression from you, fuck.'~**

"You more than me, I think." I started laughing uncontrollably.

"HEY!!" Sango shouted.

I swallowed the next fit of near hysterical laughter and focused on her face.

'Oh, right.'

Beast sighed.

'Shaddup you, this is mostly your fault. At least I have the excuse of dealing with out of control hormones.'

Sango noticed my momentary distraction. "Shame on you, Inuyasha!" She near growled. "I would have thought that your first priority would be saving Shippo from a psychopath-"

"She's not-" Rin interjected.

"You don't know the history, Rin-sama." Sango interrupted. "Sure, she's calmed down now. But, after Inu-taisho's death she was..." She looked for a word before finishing lamely, "violent."

**~'Thank you.'~** I thought at my pup for distracting the headman. Sango didn't assault men anymore but I'd hate to have her fall back into bad habits because I was around.

"The inu-yokai had a lot of in-fighting after Inu-taisho's death. The other colored clans wanted to overthrow the reigning white inu-yokai. The neko-yokai saw the opportunity to strike while the clans were at war with each other. They planned to overthrow the strongest clan, the white clan, first then move down the line making and breaking alliances as they went. What ensued was a battle on a scale not seen for decades." Sango explained. "Then, of course, the dragon-yokai wanted revenge for **Ryūkotsusei."**

I looked at Sesshomaru, had he fought too?

"There were spies within the white clan, yokai that had mated with a member of the brown or black clans that constantly attempted assassinations. The lady Inukimi was not truly recognized as the clan leader as Inu-taisho decreed that women could not rule. Sesshomaru-sama was far too young to be taken seriously." Sango looked like she wanted to say more on that subject but decided not to.

I made a note to ask her about it when my brother wasn't around.

"What happened?" Rin asked, entranced with the story.

"Lady Inukimi showed them that a woman can be just as if not more of an effective leader than a man. She was ruthless and stories of horrifying tortures were spread so widely that we have them recorded as a warning. She taught Sesshomaru-sama and together the two of them nearly singlehandedly ended the coup, uniting the inu clans and defeating the neko-yokai. The dragon-yokai fled rather than face such a powerful adversary as Lady Inukimi."

"Interesting." Sesshomaru commented. "But not entirely accurate."

"My point is that you an- that Lady Inukimi as heartless, ruthless and terrifying. There might be yokai that see Inuyasha as the true clan leader since his mother was Inu-taisho's true mate. Based on history I think it's safe to say she'd meet any threat to your, or her, place with swift, harsh action."

Rin frowned. **~'I don't think so, she wants grandpups too badly. If you two mate before seeing her...'~** She trailed off suggestively. When I sent her my confusion she outwardly rolled her eyes in exasperation. **~'You need to get knocked up Inuyasha.'~**

**~"No way! It's not even possible!"~**

**~'What do you mean? You cannot carry young?'~** Sesshomaru looked deeply troubled.

I blushed. **~"Of course not. What would happen on my human night? I'm a man!"~**

Sango squeaked when I said that last part aloud and excused herself. Which was both a blessing and a shame. She probably knew more about all this than I did and might be able to come up with a solution. At the same time I really didn't want to talk to her about this. It was hard enough wrapping my own head around the situation I didn't want to discuss it with others!

The lordly idiot clearly hadn't considered this. He paced while he thought and blocked the links.

"You need to talk to each other. There's an easy solution to this." Rin said.

**~'Tell me!'~** Sesshomaru demanded.

**~'Only if you can't figure it out for yourself.'~** She said as she walked away.

"She's willful." I said.

Sesshomaru snarled at the implied insult.

"I didn't mean it badly! She needs to be tough to put up with you!" I could have smacked myself. "I didn't mean... Oh, fuck it. I did mean that. You're a pain in the ass."

My brother didn't respond outwardly to my comments and he'd blocked the links again. "Come with this Sesshomaru." He said, reaching out his hand for me to take. **~'We must talk in private.'~**

**~'Stop fucking with the links, it's giving me a headache.'~**

Sesshomaru unblocked all the links on his end and I could feel him drop the link to Rin. I did the same.

We flew to the clearing we'd... played... in earlier. I imagined I could still smell traces of our musk there but decided it just had to be memories.

**~'Inuyasha, I need to apologize. I've let you down so many times.'~**

**~"It sounds like you had your reasons."~**

**~'Yes, but my mate should come first.'~** He frowned and got a little wrinkle between his eyebrows. I wanted to lick it.

'Damn this meadow.' It was messing with my thoughts.

_^'No, I agree, it's sexy to see him worked up over us.'^_

**~'But you can't ignore your duty.'~** I said to my half-brother, ignoring Beast.

**~'That's what I always thought and you've always suffered for it.'~** Sesshomaru took a deep breath. "Inuyasha, will you do me the honor of mating this Sesshomaru?"

I froze. "But, what about-"

"You must lead. This Sesshomaru cannot be the mate you need as well as-"

"No." I interrupted his nonsense. I didn't know the first thing about ruling and wanted no part of it. "We'll figure this out. I think realizing you had a problem will make it better. But we can't do this now. We need to go to Shippo. Your mother won't wait forever."

**~'We should be mated before you meet her. It would be safest.'~**

"Fuck that. I'm not taking a mate because of pressure." I looked into his golden eyes. "When I mate it will be for the right reasons. I'm not going to rush this. We're going to do this right."

**~'How will we deal with the mating issue? If I make the alpha bite I won't be able to carry and if you make it you'll be the rightful ruler.'~**

"If that's the rule it's stupid. We can just change it."

"There are rules of the court. This Sesshomaru cannot just make decrees-"

"Oh, fuck that. Of course you can. And if it'll cause problems Rin has a solution. It's not somethin' we have ta worry about right now anyway." I said closing the subject. "Now, I'm shit at planning so you need to come up with a way to get our kit back."

Sesshomaru was practically glowing. **~'Our kit?'~**

I shrugged. It was time to start acting like a team. He'd apologized and he still had a long way to go before I trusted him (I knew there'd be a lot more talks in our future) but we'd made progress today. He wasn't the only one with problems in the relationship. If he was willing to change so was I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a short chapter! Please stick with me. I promise I'm back and will update semi-regularly. Comments make me write faster (and are the only reason I haven't abandoned this).  
> \----  
> Thank you:  
> Everyone who is still with me. I'm sorry I took a break from this story. My life snapped out of control, as life tends to do, and I wasn't in the proper headspace to write. I'm back now though.  
> naturechild02 on DA who gave me the idea to change the formatting to make mind-speak more noticeable. You can find her on twitter: @authormkrepps and on AFF: MarieKrepps  
> Rumiko Takahashi-sama for her wonderful stories and characters that made this story possible.  
> \----  
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own anything. Well, actually I own a lot of shit. Some of it is pretty cool. All of it is worth next to nothing. I really don't own anything that is in the Inuyasha universe. I kinda own this plot and all OC that come with it. No profit is made from this little gem. But, due to the nature of bi-polar I probably won't finish it. So... yeah. I don't care if you want to finish it if I haven't updated in over a year.


	10. Meeting Mother

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently one update every seven or so months is going to be my new normal. :( Sorry it's so short, I like to end on cliffhangers.

"So, what's the plan?" I wasn't going to try and come up with one. I wasn't the smart one and I had a feeling running headlong into danger wasn't the best idea anymore.

**~'We leave Rin here where she'll be safe.'~**

**~'I don't know about safe, didn't you see what happened?'~**

**~'My mother cannot be trusted not to kill her again,'~** Sesshomaru thought with a frown.

**~'Alright, we should leave everyone else here too. It sounds like a full frontal assault would be suicide anyway.'~**

**~'Indeed.' /Apprehension/.~**

I figured he was nervous about leaving Rin. **~'Leave mokomoko with her and actually come if she calls. She'll be fine. It'll be good for her to build up her strength again anyway.'~**

**~'I'm not worried about Rin.'~**

I furrowed my brow. **~'Then what-?'~**

**~'I'm worried about you.'~**

That was nice. More than nice.

**~'I still think we should mate.'~**

_^'Of course he does.'^_ Beast wasn't having any of it.

 **~'It'd make you safe,'~** he insisted.

I snorted. **~'I'm sure I'll be fine. I have tessaiga.'~**

Sesshomaru frowned. **~'It won't be enough. At least rut with me; that will give my mother pause.'~**

**~"Stop pressuring me!"~**

Sesshomaru took a step back and blinked at my shout. He looked horrified. "It was never this Sesshomaru's intention-" he started when he realized the link was shut.

"Are you gonna be talkin' like that the entire kami damned time?!"

"This Sesshomaru could ask the same of you."

It felt wrong to have any distance between us, physically or mentally so I opened the link again.

 **~'It is expected that I speak that way. It will be expected of you too,'~** Sesshomaru thought.

**~'Fuck that. I speak the way I do for a reason. I was uneducated, which was your fault by the way, so I'm not-'~**

**~'You speak that way because you want to be underestimated. It will not be helpful to you in this case. Speak only when spoken to and speak properly.'~** He must have sensed my rejection of the idea because he continued, **~'You will already be underestimated. The best way to prevent disaster is to leave your enemies scared or guessing. No matter what you do they will not be frightened of you.'~**

I drew my sword with a smile. "They just haven't got a good idea of everything I can do."

"Stop it." Sesshomaru sighed. **~'Even if you rounded up every acquaintance you were friendly with you could not even kill my mother let alone everyone else. She was more powerful than Inu-taisho when I was born. She has aged since. It is a hopeless situation. You must show her that you can learn and are a worthy addition to the pack.'~**

I didn't like that idea. I'd walked into hopeless situations before but always on my terms. I was about to play a game when I didn't know the rules.

**~'We'll have to fly, I don't like going so close to the new moon. I can try going alone-'~**

**~'Fuck that, the kit is my responsibility and I'm the one who's got to save him.'~**

Sesshomaru looked at me pleadingly. **~'She won't hurt me. But I can't protect you.'~**

**~'When have you ever cared about that?'~**

**~/Hurt./~**

I wasn't going to apologize. **~'She stole _my_ kit so she wants to see _me_. You going alone won't do anything. This is something we have to do together.'~**

I could tell Sesshomaru agreed with me.

This was a test, somehow. I wasn't sure what was being tested or why, if it was the relationship I had with my brother or if it was about me fitting in to a pack that was outside my social status or both or neither but whatever was going to happen at least I'd have Sesshomaru by my side. Plus even though they somehow knew about me I seriously doubted they knew what I could do.

**~'We'll use the link, you can help me from making any big mistakes. And don't worry about the new moon, we can't wait. We'll just be in and out. Quick and easy. She'll meet me, find me odd but acceptable and move on. Right?'~**

Sesshomaru had an eyebrow raised as if he thought I was crazy **. ~'It's the best we can hope for.'~** He swept me into his arms. **~'Ready?'~**

I nodded and light surrounded us- we became light, whatever.

\----

The castle was magnificent. Sesshomaru un-light balled us on the approach and flew with me in his arms. I could have asked him why but I felt I knew the answer. He was entirely focused on the building in front of us and I suspected he wanted to be ready if there was an attack. I was thankful for the reprieve. My human body could rely on my yokai side for survival in the light sphere but it wasn’t comfortable.

He nuzzled my head with the sides of his neck and basically rubbed himself all over me.

 **~’What are you doing?’~** I asked.

**~’Scenting you. Mother might pause if you smell like me.’~**

I rolled my eyes but didn’t complain. Beast wasn’t jumping to return the favor and since Sesshomaru didn’t ask I didn’t bother. Who knew? It might be a dominance thing or something.

Sesshomaru landed on the steps and carefully set me down. He took my hand as we climbed and held on to it as the door opened.

It made me fidget. I wanted my hand available if a fight broke out.

 **~’Stay quiet. Don’t speak unless you’re spoken to,’~** Sesshomaru reminded me.

**~’Yeah, yeah. I got it.’~**

Sitting on a throne of sorts was a beautiful woman that looked shockingly like my half-brother. She was beautiful and Beast was drawn to her.

‘What are you thinking?!’ I hissed at him.

_^’She reminds me of our mate. She has the same instincts.’^_

‘Stop it! You’re freaking me out!!’

She didn’t appear to be about to attack. In fact, she looked happy to see me. Her nose was twitching a mile a minute.

“Sesshomaru, welcome home. And Inuyahsa,” she leaned forward, “welcome home.”

 **~’What do I do?’~** I asked Sesshomaru.

**~’Thank her.’~**

“Thank you,” I said but I sounded rather startled.

“You have nothing to fear here,” she said. “After all, you’re my son’s mate.”

**~’Did you tell her?’~**

**~’No. Don’t confirm it, just smile.’~**

I did but, **~’Isn’t that sort of confirming it?’~**

**~/Stress, fear, nerves./~**

The emotions from him were strong and I dampened them so I could focus.

“Oh, but you’re not mates. Not yet.” She smiled darkly. “Why is that, I wonder?”

The emotions got stronger and I opened my mouth to reply but Sesshomaru elbowed me. **~’DON’T SAY ANYTHING!’~** he nearly mentally shouted.

“Well, I’ll find out eventually. Come with me, Inuyasha. Sesshomaru, while you’re here you should take care of some of your duties. Your responsibilities pile up when you’re away.”

Sesshomaru growled and stepped in front of me. “No.”

There was a sparkle in her eye and she showed a fang. “No? Really now, you say that like I’m going to eat him. Relax, I won’t touch your mate… much.”

Sesshomaru snarled and leapt at her.

Suddenly she was gone, standing right next to me. She grabbed my arm in an iron grip. “He always did have that temper. So unbecoming. Come along, now.” She pulled on my arm.

I dug in my heels but it was no use. She was stronger than me. ~’Sess, what’s going on? What do I do?’~ I could feel her power spark against mine, I would be less than useless in a fight against her. I didn’t want to fight her, either. She was my mate’s mother and I was in her domain. Even if I could get her with my tessaiga Sesshomaru didn’t want her dead.

We walked through something shimmering and the link cut out. Sesshomaru threw himself against it but couldn’t pass through. He pulled his sword but the barrier held.

I didn’t know what to do. I tried my link again but it bounced off the barrier. I started fighting her but she held my arm. I could sense that she would rip it off before she let me go. Beast wasn’t any help, he was happy to be in her clutches. I looked back at my mate, still fighting at the barrier viciously.

I didn’t sense any malice from Sesshomaru’s mom and I knew Sesshomaru wouldn’t give up until he got to me. I decided to wait and see what would happen. Maybe I could attack her or escape when she let her guard down.

“Don’t worry, no one can get into these rooms but me. We won’t be disturbed.”

That sent a shiver down my spine. Suddenly I worried that she felt for me what Beast was feeling for her. Would she try to mate me? Would that even work?

I didn’t know and I didn’t want to find out.

My ears flattened to my head and I held in a whimper. I wanted to be back with Sesshomaru. Why hadn’t I mated with him when I had the chance. Now I was at risk, anyone could mate me if they wanted.

 _^‘Relax, if you’re mated you can still change and mate to your true mate,’^_ Beast reminded me.

‘I don’t want to be mated at all! Why are you going along with this?! Help me think of a way to get out of here!’

There were a mixture of odd smells coming from the doors of the hallways she was leading me down. Some of them were so strong I had to hold my breath as we passed. They stung my nose. I didn’t know how she could stand it.

“Since you’re pack you can call me Inukimi, it’s a little nickname Sesshomaru had for me when he was younger.”

I didn’t say anything. Why had I agreed to this?

“Now, I know what you’re here for. You’re after your kit. I’m taking you to him now. He’s with his tutor.”

“Tutor?”

“Yes, of course, dear. He’s your kit. He should be raised properly.”

‘What the fuck?! She hated me, why was she playing mother to my kit?!’

_^’Who said she hated you?’^_

That brought me up short. I was pulled on by Inukimi and started walking again. ‘Didn’t she? Sesshomaru said… didn’t he?’

^’She doesn’t seem to hate you.’^

No, she didn’t. I held my tongue. Sesshomaru said to be quiet and until I knew more about Inukimi and her temperament I would continue to do so.

We turned a corner and I couldn’t hear Sesshomaru’s desperate attempts to get to me.

“I’ll give you two some time alone but then I want to spend some time with you. I know the kit has been wanting to visit those… _humans_ -“ she said the word as if it left a bad taste in her mouth, “-that are his _family_. I’ll let him go on one condition:” she paused dramatically, “that you stay with me. Send Sesshomaru to take him back to the village.”

I was in no position to argue. If my kit was ok and I could ensure his safety I’d do anything.

I nodded.

“Good!” She wrapped her arm around mine so she wasn’t dragging me, we were walking more naturally. As if we were in each other’s confidence.

We were too close. I hated being touched and this was more intimate. It made me slightly sick.

A set of doors opened on their own and we entered a room where Shippo was sitting at a table with another kitsune. They looked up at our entrance.

“Inuyasha!” Shippo cried and jumped at me.

I tensed, expecting him to claw me.

Instead, he wrapped his arms around me in a hug. “You’re back!”

“Um, yes. Hi.”

Inukimi winked at me and exited with the tutor.

“How are you? She didn’t hurt you, did she?”

Shippo hopped down and gave me a flat look. “Of course not. We’re pack.”

I didn’t quite know what that meant.

“She’s been having people teach me things. I’ve learned so much! I know all about Inuyokai and she’s even taught me about instincts and Beasts and heats.” He looked down. “I understand, now. About you. And tell Beast I’m sorry for getting so mad at him.”

_^’Tell him it’s ok. Tell him we love him.’^_

I rubbed the back of my head. “He says it’s ok.”

_^’Tell him we love him, idiot.’^_

‘I can’t say that!’

Beast fought me and took over.

 _^’What the hell are you doing?!’^_ I demanded.

“Inuyasha won’t say it because he’s too shy but we love you,” Beast said.

_^’Gah!’^_

Shippo smiled at us. He was too shy to say it back too.

He changed the subject. “Come see what I’ve been doing!”

Beast relinquished control and I sat and watched as he showed me things. I thanked him for his charm and didn’t have to pretend to be impressed by the progress he’d made.

All too soon Inukimi came back. She had a… minion (?) carrying tea for her. She sat down and the… servant (?) poured before exiting.

Shippo crawled onto her lap and took a cup. She took another one and gave me a _look_ so I took the last cup. I couldn’t grantee it wasn’t poisoned so I only pretended to drink.

“Shippo-kun, I’m going to have the tutor work with Inuyasha for a bit so you can go back and visit the village and your humans.” Her lip curled at the word but her distaste didn’t show in her voice and Shippo couldn’t see her face.

“Oh,” Shippo looked longingly at me.

“Don’t worry, once Inuyasha’s caught up you can do lessons together.”

Shippo clearly found that acceptable. He nodded and babbled to us both about one of his lessons.

I found I couldn’t hate Inukimi too much. She was clearly taking good care of my kit. He hadn’t been abused in any way. That didn’t mean I suddenly trusted her.

The servant came back to pour everyone more tea and I got a _look_ for my cup still being full. I didn’t care, I still wasn’t drinking it.

I realized that she had a servant here. So there must have been another way in. She’d said the barrier only let her through but that was obviously wrong. It let me through. I should have realized it immediately. ‘Fuck, I’m dumb.’

_^’Why do you think I call you idiot?’^_

I had relaxed a bit in Shippo’s presence but tea time was over and Inukimi stood, gently setting my kit on the ground. They walked hand in hand to the door and I followed, tense once more.

Sesshomaru was still fighting with the barrier, he looked desperate. He only stopped once he saw us.

Shippo let go of Inukimi’s hand at the sight. He paused, clearly scared of my mate.

“Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you.”

Shippo gave me a _look_ (what was it with everyone doing that?!). After a moment he nodded, clearly deciding to trust me.

I felt something in my chest glow at that.

Shippo tried to walk through the barrier and bounced off it. “Oh, right,” he said and turned to Inukimi.

“Stay here, Inuyasha.” Her eyes narrowed as she said this and it was clearly a threat.

I swallowed but nodded.

Inukimi took Shippo’s hand and walked him through the barrier.

I walked up to the barrier (it was clear now that if she was holding on to a person they’d be able to pass through. “Take him back to the slayer’s village,” I told my mate through the barrier. “Keep him safe. I’m going to stay here for a bit.”

“Inuyahsa,” he said. He didn’t do anything rash, though. Not with the kit so close.

I swallowed thickly and twitched half of my mouth up in a brief smile. I tried to tell him with my expression that this was the deal, that I’d traded my freedom for the kit’s.

Sesshomaru looked wrecked.

Inukimi scolded him for making a scene. Not that there’d been anyone around to see it. There weren’t any guards or anything that I could see.

We stared at each other for a long moment, finally, Sesshomaru’s expression fell. He couldn’t do anything, not now, not with the kit.

“Keep him safe,” I reiterated.

He nodded.

“Have fun, dear,” Inukimi said to Shippo.

Shippo waved at her and Sesshomaru flew the kit away.

I watched from where I was trapped from.

I’d never felt so alone.

Inukimi waved at the retreating figures before turning to me with a hungry expression.

‘Oh, fuck. What have I gotten myself into?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to beta give me a holler. Stories of mine with betas get worked on more regularly. ;)


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